Wednesday, July 30, 2008

cicadas







last week, I heard the first songs of the cicadas of this summer

ah, the bittersweet sound of the cicadas' song

it marks the lull and warm days of summer and to me… reminds me that August is immanent, and that the summer is almost over

the lulling chirping sounds drive the fireflies away

in summer's past, I can remember making love to the sounds of the cicadas nearby

this summer, the sounds of the cicadas are bittersweet

I wonder if I've fully taken advantage of this hot sticky season, swam enough, sun bathed enough, enjoyed the outside enough… sadly, I've spent more time hiding from the joys of summer than I have taken it in

consumed by drama and stress, single life, moving, accidents, mistakes, heart break and disappointment… I have forgotten to enjoy fully, be present, and take in the great experience only summer can offer

the chirping lull of the cicadas

memories of juicy peaches, caresses on beaches, salt water covered skin, lazy days in the sun, cold glasses of iced tea laced with honey and mint, his fingers running across my lips, outdoor concerts filled with pot smoke in the air, hiking up that mountain, chillin' on the porch holding hands, bursting blueberries, freshly painted toes wiggling in the sand

the cicadas call, they remind me there's still time to enjoy these things, it's not over, but the clock is ticking on summer

I have much to be grateful for, dancing with friends, trips to Coney Island, kissing him on the beach, front row for Franti & Spearhead, celebrating my birthday and my 90 days on the same day, celebrating my son's birthday, summer solstice BBQ at Mary's, fresh raspberries, new job, opening my heart for a moment to taste a heart connection, holding baby Izzy, my clarity and serenity, midnight swims, forging friendships and finding fellowship with my girls, lots of fireworks, got more ink, finding our new house, playing golf, watching my son swim for the first time, catching up with old friends, pool parties, bbqs, meeting Liz Baily, discovering that I can incorporate Buddhism into my program and jeesh, summer ain't over yet….

cicada's just reminding me…there isn't much time left, so I better take advantage now… just one more month to go..

what I want to do before the summer's end…ride on the back of a fast motorcycle with a fun companion, eat more summer fruit, lay on the beach until I turn dark brown, throw a bbq of my own, bike ride with my son around the reservoir, hit the outdoor skate parks, APW with Radiohead, take Z to Zume Flume, go to Coney Island again, meditate at the monastery, and kick it on my new porch at my new house, finish step four, read another book, make a thing of ice cream, go hiking and have a little more fun...summer sunny...toasty... sexy... FUN...

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

waiting....













No one could have explained this new life to me before... they just wouldn't have made any sense. I wouldn't have believed that a life of clarity would be this way.

Up until the night of the very end, I never pictured myself clean. I couldn't look forward at a life that didn't include getting high and drinking.

A friend said to me over the weekend, that sobriety is the greatest weirdest trip he's been on...more than all the drugs and drinking we've done...it is sobriety that is the trippiest trip of them all.

You know, he's right.

I understand what he is saying. I am still green, this is still so new. It is some sort of trip, and adventure with freak outs, joy, connectedness, realization, and an understanding that I have a choice.

I'm making different choices, but now... as I morph my way of life into something else, I feel as though I'm in a bit of a holding pattern.

I am now Waiting for the universe to unfold it's plan for me in front of me. This is counter-intuitive of what I understand, of what I know.

Taking suggestions, I pray, I meditate, I pray some more... and wait to see if my quiet speaking brings me the things I ask for. As a spiritual person, I know to pray for things in a white magic way. I ask for the universe to make decisions, and never worry about the material... just the peace and the love to fill the potholes and cracks in my soul and my heart.

If you ask me, was the old way working for me? My answer would have to be no. My life was unmanageable, and I became the thing that got in my way as much as the thing that manifested so many realities.

Taking in life, and it's still my life, but doing it in a place of clarity... I feel like I'm on some sort of trip...except, unlike a drug induced trip...this one keeps going and going and going.

I keep doing 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3.... surrendering, handing my will over... and find myself sitting back and letting my HP drive.

Life keeps coming, throwing the stuff at me, and forcing me to challenge me to be clean another day.

I experience such a range of ups and downs, gains and losses, things to be grateful for... and have to endure all the stuff life just keeps throwing into my time line.

Today, I pray for others. I see that I can give, and love differently. Inside, I have compassion, and recognize that the way things look on first impression are not always as they seem.

My greatest supports right now come from places I never expected.

There are promises, of a peace I've never known before, of a love and magic that will bring me all the things I truly want and deserve.

Yet... I am waiting... I am waiting... I am waiting.... I am waiting....for my life to unfold in front of me....my new life... to open up in front of me....





Thursday, July 17, 2008

the cure for the shame







The best way to get over feeling ashamed of doing something completely impulsive and stupid....do something way more stupid and embarrassing....have a good laugh...and realize that the consequences are really no big deal....

Oh, how I adore my inner spaz, she's fan-frickin-tastic baby!

Blahging on... I have to say, the beginning of my week was pretty horrible...if you and I didn't connect, let me catch you up....

I felt immense urge and pain to fall right back down the dark hole. I wanted to go backwards, crack a bowl, and a beer, and take away the pain with what I know works. Well, not really, it's a temporary fix…but in the hours that surrounded my days…I so wanted to just drink again…

But, my will didn't win, my HP protected me and guided me through the darkness...

My clarity wins, this time.

What did it take...well...I did something really dumb, in front of more than a gaggle of strangers at the gas station in the middle of Kingston, with my son in tow....yeah, I was distracted, full of rage, hideously resentful when I pulled in...something's wrong with my coolant thingy in my car...so I buy another giant bottle of the toxic green liquid while filling up my tank. I do that thing, you know, where you stick the gas cap into the pump so the gas keeps pumping while I huff and puff in the store looking for more coolant. I refill the leaking thing under the hood. Mind you, I have no clue what I'm doing, I'm not exactly car savvy.

I'm pissed I don't have child care and I have to go to my stupid mandatory one on one session with that wretched counselor at mandatory rehab. I loathe her, and her stupid comments. I abhor that she has the desicision to give me my drivers license back or not. Oh, I just want to go punk rock on her ass and beat her down in my cherry toed boots.

But, I'm wearing open toed heels, that ain't gonna work.

Distracted, and lost in my head, where dark thoughts are consuming me, I finish refilling the coolant, get the cap twisted back in place, close the hood, get in my car, turn up the music and drive away.

I'm sitting at the edge of the parking lot, when this adorable young boy comes up to me with my gas cap in his hand, "Mam, you forgot to take the pump out before you drove away, here's your gas cap."

Ooooooops!

I turn around and see about 15 car loads of people watching me. They are scowling, as though I did something to them.

I walked back to where I was pumping, put the nozzle back in it's place. Thank the boys about 20 times over. Smile at the man shaking his head at me, and say, "oh well, I guess I lost my mind a little, but you wouldn't know what that feels like…hah hah…because, you know, you've never made a mistake in your life."

Fuck him. Fuck them.

Thank you to the guys who bothered to get me my gas cap back.

Thank you for not trashing my car.

Thank you for insuring that I didn't injure anyone, accept my ego a little.

Thank you for helping me find the laughter in it. For realizing the consequences were pretty miniscule. That in the grand scheme, I'm just a cute spaz, and cute spazzy girls are bound to do some pretty funny spazzy things in front of a gas station full of strangers during rush hour.

What did I do after that?

I laughed out loud at myself...turned up the Modest Mouse track kickin' out of my speakers...and went on to the next thing…

I have to live life no matter what, it's the attitude I've got while dealing that makes all the difference.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

chasing the dragon







My heart shut down this weekend, my body went limp.

I had some sort of emotional hangover, which took me over and left me over exhausted and unmotivated.

What happened?

Sensory overload.

I dealt with a mix of emotions, memories and an influx of experiences that left me fried.

But the one I didn't count on was the memory I dealt with today…

Today marks the two-year anniversary of meeting "him". It dawned on me sometime this afternoon, when I realized…it was exactly two years ago this weekend that our worlds collided.

To say that I was a little blown away is an understatement. Could it really be two years now since my life was altered…my heart blown open, and my Addiction to Love born.

My four-month affair came on quick and fast, love at first site, every day a perfect miracle. Oh, I was in love, but with what? I was in love with a concept. I was in love with the idea of being in love. In reality, I'm not sure I really knew this person at all.

For this magical period of time, I felt something I had never experienced before, a high so high…that when he abruptly left me, I suffered from a wicked withdrawal and heartbreak so intense, I never believed I would recover.

It's like Chasing the Dragon, you smoke up the delicious opiate…but do you actually catch anything? You're drawing in the smoke…with the hopes to achieve this immense high…but it's fleeting…it doesn't last. You catch nothing, just a craving for more, and a higher high. And in the end…you never actually catch a dragon, just a painful feeling of coming down and withdrawal.

Ahhh…how quickly it came on…we had the most amazing chemistry right from the start. We were saying "I Love You" in just a few days. The Sex was Perfectly Perfect. Our mind's melded and he gave me everything I wanted, without having to ask…I was just getting the Love High strong, hard and fast. Without using a lick of rational thought, I let him move into my life right away and incorporated him into my world instantly.

The rush, the high, it was so exhilarating. In hindsight I can see it for what it was. A mirage. This affair was not based in reality. In the real reality, I didn't know him at all.

Like the first rush I felt the first time I snorted a line… this brief encounter brought me a rush that made me feel a host of intensely heightened sensations…just like that fabulous feeling one gets from the first time they try a new drug. The first time I tried this brand of Fast Hard Love, it distinctly left an indelible impression and I was hooked.

For a short moment, a few months, I was lost in a magical feeling that I feared to question, because I knew deep down, it couldn't be real.

And…then, it was done. He left. No explanation, no break up. He just disappeared.

No source of replenishment…I had a bad love sickness…a pain so cutting, it destroyed me, the withdrawal so unbearable…I didn't think I could live or breath through another day.

My heart was ripped in half, the pain so excruciating, I'm still not sure if I've ever really healed.

And thus I became… a Love Junkie.

I was left, abandoned, with no answers and when I got them later, they didn't really fix anything or make anything better. All I wanted was to recapture it again, and so I danced, from boy to boy, hoping meaningless sex, dating without emotion, faking a feeling of romantic interest might cure me of my horrific disease.

Deep down I'd question if I'd ever re-find that feeling again. But it never came. It won't… it isn't based in a reality I live in. It was meant for that time of my life only, and won't reappear. I don't think I can handle it again. The rehabilitation process was just so difficult.

I'd pray and pray to feel that way just one more time….lost in the pain of lusting for a high that only existed in this one space and time. I looked backwards and forwards in time and space…but this maniacal adventure was to happen to me only once. Never to be recaptured again.

I've been in love before. I know how it feels. Each time, each person, brings a new twist to the emotion. Each relationship that has marked the timeline of my life, is connected to something else, something toxic. Each man in my life paralleled my habits, whether they were coke, booze, ecstasy, booze….they partied like I did, and thus we were a match.

This person and I shared a kismet bond, we had both left our abusive spouses, and loved weed, sex and driving fast literally and metaphorically…it was fate. We nurtured each other post-marriage in that quintessential rebound way I've read countless articles about. Oh yes, post break up, I finally listened to my friends and family and understood that I was in some sort of rebound haze, and that it couldn't last.

So today, I acknowledge…that I am guilty of lusting for Love. For craving the chaos and drama, for being an obsessive freak, for perpetuating an idea that this could be something I want. It's not good for me.

By wanting to Love in this way again, I recognize that I'm merely Chasing the Dragon, sucking up smoke, not getting as high as I did that first time….and knowing it will never get me that high again. I must face this demon, as I face the other elements of my recovery. It is time for me to step back, and acknowledge that I am a Junkie, and Addict, someone who craves to do things that feel good whether they are good for me or not.

My heart remains a damaged organ. My rational thought realizes it is what it is. I have so much heartbreak to acknowledge and repair…if I'm ever to step into a relationship again, I must see the addiction I have for Love. I am a Love Junkie.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

my inner psycho

Today I embrace my inner psycho and hand her over to something greater than me….

Earlier this week, I came to the realization that I must release the will and the insanity, and hand it over. It is time to Surrender.

Surrender, now that is a word that most use when they are losing the battle. It's a war term. Not a term of peace, or is it? If I am to find the peace inside of me, I need to end the war I am having with myself. It is time to take my will out of the picture, and let the universe guide me to where I need to be.

When I take my determination for control out of the equation, good things happen for me. I am a great manifester, when I am calm and in a positive place with myself.

In the past few weeks, my insanity has arisen in many forms. My past pains have crept up to haunt me. Determination has sabotaged the good stuff, and held me back from finding the the path I seek towards an easier way of life. My inner psycho loves the drama, obsession, control and feeds on the scars and painful old wounds deep inside.

For many years, I squashed the loud chaos of my inner psycho, with a lot of weed. Oh, how the stoner me was so laid back, chill, cool and calm. Without the substance, she takes on another form. She is loud, and sad, filled with self-pity and insecurity I never recognized before.

She needs a hug. She hurts deeply and cries loudly.

Letting go of my will is not easy, but if I visualize my inner psycho…I know I don't want her to have control anymore. Who is this inner psycho? She is the sick me, the willful me, the grand saboteur, the one who tells me I still want to get high now. She's the obsessed crazy person I've succumbed to for such a long time. She is a pretty girl, loads of fun, an extremist, an attractive being, but what she attracts….I no longer want.

And so I ask the universe to take away my insanity, and in the process, I hand over my inner psycho. I've handed her over, she is no longer mine to nurture. I know she can't go far, because she is very much a part of me and what got me to this place.

I know she won't go far. She is my disease, my illness. I embrace her, as one would embrace a troubled child. If I can find it in my heart to love her unconditionally, in turn, I love myself, and forgive myself.
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Crazy by Seal -

In a church by the face
He talks about the people going under
Only child know
A man decides after seventy years
That what he goes there for
Is to unlock the door
While those around him criticize and sleep
And through a fractal on that breaking wall
I see you my friend and touch your face again
Miracles will happen as we trip
But we're never gonna survive unless
We get a little crazy
No we're never gonna survive unless
We are a little
Cray cray crazy
Crazy are the people walking through my head
One of thems got a gun to shoot the other one
And yet together they were friends at school
Get it, get it, get it, yeah!
If all were there when we first took the pill
Then maybe then maybe then maybe then maybe
Miracles will happen as we speak
But we're never gonna survive unless
We get a little crazy
No we're never gonna survive unless
We are a little
Crazy
No no we'll never survive unless we get a little bit
A man decides to go along after seventy years
Oh darlin
In a sky full of people only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
In a world full of people only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
Crazy
In a heaven of people there's only some want to fly
Ain't that crazy
Oh babe Oh darlin'
In a world full of people there's only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
Isn't that crazy Isn't that crazy Isn't that crazy
Ohh
But we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy crazy
No we're never gonna to survive unless we are a little crazy
But we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy crazy
No we're never gonna to survive unless we are a little crazy
No no never survive unless we get a little bit
And then you see things
The size of which you've never known before
They'll break it
Someday
Only child know
Them things
The size
Of which you've never known before
Someday