Friday, October 24, 2008

i deserve

♥ I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY
♥ I DESERVE TO HAVE A STRONG SPIRITUAL CONNECTION TO MY HIGHER POWER
♥ I DESERVE TO HAVE THIS GREAT JOB AND GET A RAISE
♥ I DESERVE TO FEEL WEALTH OF MANY KINDS
♥ I DESERVE TO SHARE MY LIFE WITH A COMPANION AND PARTNER WHO IS MY EQUAL
♥ I DESERVE TO BE SURROUNDED BY SUPPORTIVE, INTERESTING, SMART & CREATIVE FRIENDS
♥ I DESERVE TO HAVE FINANCIAL SECURITY
♥ I DESERVE TO DRIVE A RELIABLE FAST CAR
♥ I DESERVE TO BUY A HOME
♥ I DESERVE TO HAVE A FULFILLING LOVE LIFE WITH GREAT SEX, A HEART CONNECTION AND INTIMACY
♥ I DESERVE TO BE LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY
♥ I DESERVE TO LIVE WELL

Friday, October 17, 2008

the one that got away, part deux

Two boys of my past .... came back into my life today.

Within a couple of strokes of the keyboard, I was sent not one, but two notifications of long lost loves... there they were, one after the other.... looking at me... awaiting a response.

When mercury is retrograde, it isn't so uncanny to have people of our past history resurface. We spin backwards when the planets whack out and strange occurences are so very likely.

So, not one, but two loves of my past came back to me for a moment today. Side by side in my inbox, there they were connecting with me electronically.

They are from the past, and that time is long gone. A world far away, a lifetime backwards. It doesn't matter that one has become a hard core buddhist and has a parallel path to mine, striking my spiritual core. Or that he is in service, and gives of himself. Or all the things he told me that would pluck my interest right back.

It is too late to hear that the other remains faithfully curious about what our lives would be like if he hadn't broken up with me under and umbrella in the rain in Lincoln Center so long ago. Our paths intertwined over the years, there is not a doubt, we had our many chances. They have passed, he made choices and put a different life over a life with me.

Paths have altered. Our lives are changed. We are evolved. I am very different. The woman they knew then was just a girl, insecure, confused and unsure of what she wants. That person isn't me anymore.

I see my wants and needs clearly. There is no point in moving backwards in time to discover a what if. It is all in the past.

It freaked me out, looking at my inbox today, two messages with photos and all that information, side by side. These two men who played on my heart strings so long ago knew me as a young girl. Today, you would think they would hardly recognize me.

The truth is, I know I haven't changed a bit. That I am still that little girl inside my skin, aching to be able to voice my individuality and define me clearly. I am not any different really. I am that adorable little shy girl, sitting on the beach chair, conscious of my words, afraid to come out and just be myself and be totally honest. I feel the last times I saw each of them, and realize that I haven't changed much. I'm still plagued with self-centered fears and worry about what to say, for it must come out just so.

The ones that got away. There are a few of them out there, roaming this planet. Not too many, but a few. Each, had an impact for a moment. And still, there are pinholes in my heart, not quite healed from the heart break each of them caused me so long ago.

They were stepping stones... leading me to a place... there's no going back. I trudge onward on this journey. And one day, when I am truly ready to stand up for Elissa Jane, then and only then will I be free of the shackles of my past heart breaks.

I'm getting a little closer, I see the path ahead. And the ones that got away, they may be sending me emails today, but they are way way back there in the back of the journey where they belong.

"the one" is just a little ways ahead...

Sunday, October 12, 2008

cleansing my Karma

Below, please find "i guess we can be friends afterall" an old blog post from my chillEmpress page. This is an oldie but a goody... it marks the beginning of the "I'm Cleansing My Karma..."era.

What made me pull it out of the archive?

For the past few weeks, I've retold and retold the story of how I came up with the "I'm Cleansing My Karma" mantra a good ten times or more to friends in pain with ex-spouses, family, friends or lovers.

It is often said that passing the message on, with the intent to help others can only further perpetuation good karma. I suppose, this is what I'm doing.

As I move forward in my enlightenment practice, I see the milestones in my spiritual journey that have lead me to this place.

Yesterday, on the longest walk I've ever taken, I shared the story of the crazy shit storm that lead to my deep demise and darkest emotional pains, and how I pulled out of it with this very simple mantra, "I am cleansing my Karma."

And why am I so focused on this? Because in my life cycle, I'm rediscovering how not taking good care of my choices effects my place on this planet. Far removed from a life I was comfortable with, I am hitting a Reset Button, and doing it all over again.

Hopefully, doing a much better job this time by making the right next choice.

It has taken me years to perfect this mantra, and according to this very old blog post, I began putting it into practice before I put words on it.

The "I'm cleansing my karma" mantra is a practice in not only cleaning up my part, but also peering down into my intentions. Each and every choice I make has an intention, if mine are honorable, I wipe my slate a little more clean.

When I first discovered the karma cleansing mantra, my insecurities held me back from seeing just how my actions do effect each and every living thing on this planet. We are all connected. We are all united by a single energy that flows in and out of all of us. As I began to put the mantra into practice, things in my life truly did change.

I also encourage you to adopt it and try it. Here's how it works... the next time you're about to get angry, get in a fight, react to the same old argument... STOP. Take a deep breath, close your eyes and say, "I'm cleansing my Karma." Say it a hundred times if you have to... it doesn't matter what the other person is saying or doing. As long as you are being right, honorable, and do not feed into the drama... you are doing the right thing. Enjoy sitting back, in a state of calm... and separating yourself from the harmful place.

It doesn't matter what other people say or do. It doesn't matter, it's not important. As long as you are doing the right thing, and not fighting back, you too will find peace.

Kick back, relax, and say it again, "I'm cleansing my Karma." You'll be amazed, it really works.

So..... enjoy the old post... I'd like to compile all my blog entries in one spot... might actually have to make this happen off of MySpace.

Ohm.
==========================================================
i guess we can be friends afterall (from chillEmpress page 12/4/06)

So I had the opportunity to spend the weekend with Lester Ballard. I invited him up to spend the weekend with the Z-man, and to get some things from the house he might want.



To my surprise, we ended up having a nice weekend together. He cooked dinner, fried up the frozen pierogis from the freezer, but heck, did it by himself. We had a beer. I helped him make a MySpace profile. We hung out. It was cool?



We had family time.



Lester and I got along.



You know what?



There's a reason I fell in love with Lester in the first place. Sure, we aren't meant for each other and we're not in love anymore. But I really like Lester as a person. Why not be friends?



Just think how much easier life will be, can be, should be…if we remain faithfully friends and nothing more. When we hang out as the dysfunctional family that we are, we could be amicable and have fun.



Maybe there's a reason I married Lester Ballard in the first place. I must have liked him a little. Sure, I liked him a lot. Before we had the kid, before we got into marriage mode, we had fun. We did have a laugh or two. There was a time we liked each other, right?



So, I'm friends with Lester Ballard. NO, I do not want him back, I do not want to be with him romantically anymore. But hey, it's nice to know that our little family is still in tact, different, dysfunctional, in separate places.



We've grown apart. Just like many friends do. I chose a path away from the life we had. He just didn't want to take this journey with me.



We may have different wishes, wants, ideals, upbringing, but we do have some of the same tastes in thing, likes and enjoy some of the same things. Guess we can hang out and still be friends.



You know, last week, I was looking at some old photos, and I came across this one –



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



I got a little sentimental, but you know what…we'll have more memories like this, as a family. Even if we can't be together together, I'm glad that we can be and remain respectful friends who do care about each other.



It makes me happy to know that Lester has moved on and that he is happy. I know the girl is with now is very lucky. I am also aware that I am definitely not the girl that is meant to be with Lester, and he is not really "the one" for me. He was close, so very close, but there are things I need that he could never provide me.



I made some choices this summer that were hasty, and I know the motivation was to help me springboard out of our marriage. While it worked, it hurt him, and for that I'm sorry.



All I know is, Lester's phone message last night spoke volumes. He is right, he said that he loves me and Z, and that we will always be a family. Nothing can break that up, not even our being separated.



When Dub Man broke up with me, he actually said something that made me feel better, you told me I deserved better, and I was surprised and appreciated that he cared enough about my feelings to support me instead of gloat that I had been dumped.



So Lester, I say thanks for being there for me, and for us.



I'm glad we are working on our friendship now. It's the best gift he can give me after all we've been through.



Looking forward to Christmas as a family.



I love you Lester, as a good good friend, and hope that you continue to find the peace, love and happiness out there you deserve. You are welcome at our house anytime.

Friday, October 10, 2008

smoke out...

....still NOT smoking.....day 7

this is the hardest thing I've ever tried to quit from my system....not the first time I make the attempt to quit smoking...

but this is the first time I'm doing it with a sober head and heart....

....to truly reach enlightenment... I must get all the toxins out.....

the purge fest continues.....

I am consciously ridding myself of the things that are bad for me.... the drugs, the narcotics, the toxins....

by clearing the pathways I can open a channel so enlightenment can tune in...

inner peace, peace of mind, one less addiction...

smoke out.....

Thursday, October 9, 2008

sometimes things are just beyond control....







I forgot.
I've never done any of this sober before.
I've never tried this, tried that, quit this, done that.

It's all different, when you're sober.

When I am being sober, I am being something new.

It's ok ... I don't know what I'm doing. I just know, I'm doing it different.

But it's different.

I think I've got a handle on it.

Then I grow.

And I'm growing.

Growing hurts.

I've got growing pains, and they ache all over, they are clawing at my nerves, my heart, my thoughts....

The growing pains are clawing at me from my inside out, ripping at my guts, pressing out through my flesh.

And life keeps happening, and happening, happening... no breaks. No making things stop.

I can't control it. I have to ride the plan. Even if it doesn't make sense. It's killing my heart, which feels more broken than ever.

I'm far far far away from the party friends... I don't know them anymore. I don't know who I am, because it is all new.

These things that ache, these things that don't make sense, they are impermanent. Life is filled with impermanence.

The only thing I can sit on is the present. The only tangible thing I can grasp is now.

Everything else, is irrelevant.

Tomorrow, is another day. And when tomorrow comes, today will then become irrelevant.

If I could just stop thinking... I'd see, everything is ok.

=========================================================
Everything is OK by Halou (my fave band du jour) -

Break it all down into simplest terms.
There, was that so bad?
Now, is that so bad?
You doubt yourself so much you don't even
Know what you really want, or how you really feel.

And I'm so tired
Of you constantly over-thinking.
I know why, because everything's going OK.
Just your style, to break it all into pieces,
I know why, because everything's going OK.

Disregard your inner monologue
Don't try to drown it out, 'cause it'll only wear you out.
Sometimes things are just beyond control
That has to be OK, you don't have a choice

And I'm so tired
Of you constantly over-thinking.
I know why, because everything's going OK.
Just your style, to break it all into pieces,
Just one time, I've had just about all I can take

Everything is unacceptable
If you overanalyze,
And that is just your style.

Friday, October 3, 2008

little green men.....

little green men.....there they are, outside the window, around the corner, in the shadows, under my fingernails, behind the door, under the bed, behind the chair, in my mouth, under that hat, in the bathroom, in the TV, on the ceiling, under the floorboards......

get out

end this

stop

insane

icky

go away

this paranoia hasn't haunted me in over 10 years

end now

stop

simply put.....

GIVE ME MY CLEAR SOBER HEAD BACK NOW!!!!

i never thought I'd feel like this ever again