Tuesday, December 23, 2008

isolation

for those who know this term
this is what I'm doing
retreating from my support network
pulling away from the people who love me
or think they love me

why do they love me?

i'm a broken mess.

i'm not capable of love, or worthy to be loved, or to know love....

so I retreat, alone is safe, curled up, medicating on the things I allow myself to ingest for comfort

unsure.

alone.

alone is easy, alone I answer to no one, no obligation, no expectations, I just am.

for a moment, I relished in my coasting through the motions, but depression and sadness envelop me slowly, like a blanket of darkness creeping up on the earth
just as the sun is pulling away

don't feel sorry for me
do not think it is me taking anything out on you...

by separating myself, I justify everything

i'm alone
i am aloner than ever before

i'm drained, cannot give another moment of support... when I'm not getting what I need in return

am I counting? taking score?

probably...

so I run. deep back into the hole. like a scared groundhog at the end of winter.

isolation.