Back in high school...one could describe me many ways, but I particularly feeling like that Morrissey song..."I wear black on the outside, cause black is how I feel on the inside." I was weird and off beat, artistic, verbose and creative. The quintessential non-conformist. So how did I end up at boarding school? I wasn't bred for prep school culture. I was raised in my parents' crazy art collecting nuvo riche world, where everything was hip and fabulous and stylish.
I remember when I was dating, ummm...well...hanging out with this guy in 9th grade, crying in his arms about how my parents kept threatening to send me away. He looked at me and explained that he was seething with jealousy. Didn't I realize this was a good idea? He convinced me that boarding school would get me out of my house, where things were horrible for me. And with that...I agreed and asked my parents to send me away. I thought I wanted to go to boarding school, and began the process.
Loomis Chaffee wasn't necessarily my very first choice. I didn't fall in love with the school the same way I fell for Choate, but there was that big cocaine scandal that year, and of course, my old boyfriend was one of the ring leaders. I didn't want my reputation to be ruined by anyone knowing that I was personally connected to the boys dealing blow. If you can remember back to 1983, it was a rather big story that ran in every media medium. So, I picked Loomis Chaffee. The campus was beautiful, and they assured me I could ski for their ski team and that I'd have the opportunity to be creative and take art all throughout my matriculation period.
Reluctantly and at the last minute, I decided I would attend my 20th year reunion this past weekend at Loomis Chaffee. It was that MySpace message I got last week from Mary Bucksbaum that hooked me.
I really don't remember as much about high school as I thought I did. Being back this weekend, some memories came to me quickly, but I realized, I didn't really retain as much as I thought. One theme that is consistent -- I remember how I always felt so different and how hard it was for me to find my place where I fit in. Sure, I remember lots of things. In my inaugural year as a boarding school, there was that first dance, that first boyfriend (who I obsessed over all through high school after he dumped me), that realization that I had escaped the wrath of my mother, that I had my own room but had to share my life communally, that I was far from the city and so many other bits that stir emotions and helped to mold the woman I've become today.
I didn't really fit in anywhere, but floated between cliques to serve my social needs. The hippies were cool because they smoked (pot and cigarettes). The straight edge guys were cool because they liked punk music. I liked the nerdy kids, many of them were in my advanced math classes. My dorm buddies were really fun to party with. There was my secret relationships and my public ones. Many people don't know that I had an ongoing thing with one of the popular mega hot jock guys, or that I wrote music for hours in the top floor of founders, or that I rented an apartment in the city for $200/month so I could get away on weekends. I befriended people from a lot of different groups, but never really belonged, or felt that I belonged. I was different, a freak, off beat, strange. My self esteem issues were enormous, and I never really felt pretty or popular by any means.
When I graduated and went on to Bennington, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I loved being at Bennington. It was the first time I was normal. I fit in, and found my people. There, I was one of the coolest girls, and was rewarded handsomely for my creativity and talent.
I went on, moved forward, and grew up. I've often tried to explain to people what high school was like. They look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them I went to boarding school. They think I'm joking or being silly, but I really did go to boarding school, and not just any school….I graduated from Loomis Chaffee. Those years for me were hard. Sure, I partied and had fun and rebelled against anything I could to make some sort of statement or point. But, the relationships I created weren't anything like the friends I made in the years after.
So, as each reunion year has come and gone, my 10th, 15th...I just didn't really think about wanting to go. I was the freak. How could that be fun? And everyone was going to be in some sort of better situation than me, or something. During our 15th, I was so pregnant, I decided not to go. I looked back on my high school years as hard for me, so going back just seemed like a silly idea.
So, on Monday, I booked my hotel room and registered to go to the reunion. I didn't read anything or follow the web site instructions. I booked a room, made child care arrangements and that was that. I read nothing. I called no one. I haven't been in touch with my Loomie classmates. When I drove up to the campus on Friday. I began to get a little nervous. I pulled up to the Founders Hall to register, and felt pangs of fear. What would happen? Would anyone remember me? Did they like me? Do I care? I couldn't bare walking in just yet. I wasn't quite ready.
Finally, I walked down the senior path to the tent where dinner had ended and found my classmates. Seeing those familiar faces, it was wonderful. The first people I found were people I really really liked in school. They were the girls with whom I did all kinds of fun stuff. Our radio show, trips on spring break, the informal fancy dance and a host of other memories that made me smile. I could deal with being remembered for these things, in fact, it felt good to be remembered in that way. We all had fun memories of beach houses, summer homes, weekends, our dorms, etc...it was fun! We had all grown up, and none of the stress of that awkward pubescent reactions far far behind us.
I realized, I shared an experience with these people, an experience which made us who we are. And even if I thought it was horrible or scary or hard, the truth is, it helped me become the fabulous fantastic woman I've become today. Everything about the past didn't matter anymore. Who did what with who didn't matter, it was just nice to say hi to these people with whom I lived with for 3 of my important formidable years.
I'm happy, and love the person I am now. I don't have to try and be or act differently than who I am. I'm me. I'm not in high school anymore. We were all in this incredibly different experience for education, and this past weekend I felt a real connection to these people. It may not be the same as the other connections to old friends, but we did share a rather important point in our history.
I got to hang out with my dorm girl buddies, which was great. I got to see places where I spent so much of my time, and share stories. Truly, I had a blast. I loved seeing my friends looking pretty and grown up and happy, seeing their kids and meeting their spouses and learning about their adventures. Pretty much everyone assumed I was still in the city. I felt like one of the only single people there, but I have to remember I left Randall and at least I tried the married thing. I trashed my hotel room and partied with the cool kids, had an ummmm ahem eh... encounter with some underclassman, saw faces I hadn't seen in 20 years, got to see how people turned out, got to hug Walter Rabetz the art teacher who provided the springboard for my artistic endeavors and tell my high school classmates about my crazy life and adventures.
I'm not on the missing list anymore. Hey, who knows, maybe I'll go back for the 25th one...we'll see.
Most importantly, I made peace with the girl I was in high school. Now when I think of Loomis, I'll think of the fun I had this weekend and that you know...I'm still that girl I was in high school, just took me a few years to understand how to truly embrace her and own the individual I've become.
As I drove off...this is what I was listening to...seemed too perfect...
You see the world in black and white
No colour or light
You think you'll never get it right
But you're wrong. You might.
The sky could fall, could fall on me
The parting of the sea
But you mean more, mean more to me
Than any colour I can see
All you ever wanted was love,
But you never looked hard enough,
It's never gonna give itself up
All you ever wanted to be
Living in perfect symmetry,
Nothing is as down or as up as us
You see the world in black and white
Not painted right
You see no meaning to your life
You should try
You should try
All you ever wanted was love,
But you never looked hard enough,
It's never gonna give itself up
All you ever wanted to be,
Living in perfect symmetry,
Nothing is as down or as up
Don't you want to see it come soon,
Floating in a big white balloon
Come give her your own silver spoon
Don't you want to see it come down?
There for throwing your arms around
And say "You're not a moment too soon."
Cause I feel low, cause I feel low
ooooh...
Yeah I feel low
oh no...oooh
Cause I feel low, cause I feel low
oh...
Yet I feel low
oh no...oooh
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