As I peer down the long dark bottomless cavern that is my journey into my fourth step….I am to make a fearless inventory of the blemishes of my past, and in that list... a list of All of my past Lovers. Yes, fearless being the operative word here…it has become painfully clear that I will not be able to name them all. But there are the ones, who've penetrated beyond the surface of my heart, the one's that I fell over and deeply into. Some… participated in my life in short but memorable love trysts… some days, months… and the ones who absorbed years of my life and sucked the me out of me time and time again.
I think of the images of my life, my lovers, past present and what may be. I ponder upon the men of my past, all the men of my past.
"all my lovers were there with me, all my past and futures, and we all went sailing in a little rowboat, there was nothing to fear, nothing to hide…." – pyramid song by radiohead
Well, I've made a conscious decision… before I can make amends to anyone else, I must make peace with …. myself.
So today, I surrendered to my inner psycho, and made amends to Elissa Jane. In the moment I began my morning ritual of meditation and prayer… I turned my love inward, and made a choice….I forgive me, and put me first.
I Love Me. I forgive me. Today, I decided to stop torturing myself and beating myself up for the mistakes I've made and the choices I've followed. Everything I've done up to this point… has lead me here. To this moment sitting in my comfy chair, in my messy little cabin on the stream, in a state of serene… and for the first time in a long time, I feel a sense of relief and hope.
Most of this summer, aligned with my work towards pristine clarity…. I have beat myself up and punished me for mistakes that cannot be removed. I hear the words, "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it," day after day…. but did I really hear these words? Is it an extravagant request of myself? I think NOT.
So this morning, I decided to make a commitment to me, to stop beating myself up, to stop crying myself to sleep, thinking that my time alone is a punishment…. it isn't anything, it just is.
I've come to learn, through my current study that my sexuality is an energy, not good or bad…it is an energy that exists. It flows just like the little stream outside my house, as part of the order of things. My ability to feel passion and sexuality is merely natural, it is part of my state of being. How I channel this energy and share it with another person is a choice. I am allowing myself to feel this energy. In my practice, I must center myself and get present with my sexuality. Now, in this moment, I honor this energy, which is strong inside me. As I grow deeper into my practice, I will know instinctually and intellectually the right way to share this energy and have a mirror in front of me, a partner deserving the next time I choose to share this gift.
My scarred and beaten heart has taken its worst blows and hits from me over all other people. I can blame no longer, and it is ok to forgive myself for the actions I've taken in my heart's affairs.
When I am truly ready to embark again, it will be my whole person standing at the helm of the little row boat…captaining my journey with someone worthy.
And in the meantime, if I make a few more mistakes along the way, I will remind myself…
Every time I explore possibility, I get one step closer to Love.
So, I'm here to say, there's no use cryin' over spilt boys… the past is done. The present is here… and the future….well, the universe knows that answer… the only thing I can do is focus on is being in love with ME.
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