Zman & Telula

the first time I got called into school to have a chat about my son's naughty behavior was a few years ago. the headmistress of my son's preschool contacted me to alert me to the fact that my 3 year old son was caught in the little tykes clubhouse kissing one of his little girl school mates. it didn't stop there. from then on, I've cought my little player man in action, flirting with my friends, kissing girls while playing Littlest Pet Shop behind the couch, and so on.

like other little boys his age, he's put on a show, pretending to hate girls, when he secretly adores them.

at the grocery check out line, he'll point the latest issue of Cosmo and exclaim, "she's got really nice boobies!"

so, I was sort of surprised the other night, while snuggling up to read our night time story, when Zman asked, "at what age am I ready to have a girlfriend?"

he continues to share with me about his girl troubles. over the past few days, he's been heartbroken that his little friend Telula has been harassing him on the bus. taking his Bakugans and throwing them, hitting him and the other usual tell-tale signs that 2nd grade love is in the air.

"So do you know why Telula is harassing you on the bus? it's because she like likes you," I ask him.

there was a long pause, while he pretended to be grossed out, an incurable smirky smile brewed on his face. his skin turned slightly pink, and his eyebrows raised ever so slightly. had he not realized this? of course not! he's seven.

so I get to the heart of the matter, "do you like like Telula?"

in a grown up and quite matter of factly voice, he responded, "well mommy, she's not really the girl for me, we don't have the same things in common. I need to be with a girl who likes the same things as Me, you know....punk rock music, skateboarding, and cool stuff like that. she doesn't even like Green Day, the best band like ever, so it would't work out."

his superficial quick to judge response made me think a lot about my romantic choices.

as I've matured, suffered the end of a marriage, and conquered a host of baaaaaaaaaaaaaad darkly comical dating experiences over the past few years, I too have become quick to judge what will work or not based on surface commonalities.

with the internet presenting us and our likenesses on dating sites and community sites like Facebook, who needs to dip into the getting to know you process. with a click of a mouse, I can plow through your cultural interests, favorite albums, pictures of you and your friends and determine if you're right for me. am I any different than my son in this regard?

it's easy to look at some pictures online and read well-thought out profile pages and make a judgment call about what I think. perhaps the problem in the online dating thing really begins and ends here.

the few times I've been out with men I've met online, the same thing happens. I project what I think they are like, create personalities, and allow my fantasy to craft the person I'll be meeting before I meet him.

most likely, he has done the same thing.

for example, the last fellow I went out with... I met on a "dating" site, that I actually tried out for a month. he was the Only prospect of interest, and came off weird, cute and creative. just like I like a guy to be. electronically, we were a wonderful match, in person... total disaster. I fantasized him in to this virile man capable of taking charge and enjoying similar creative interests. in reality, he was NONE of the things I projected onto him as being.

Zman sparked a curious point. does it matter that he agrees with me that OK Computer is the pinnacle of musical genius? maybe not.

as I began to describe the beginning of my relationship with my now-ex-husband to Zman, I talked about chemistry, about the sharing and exchanging of interests, that it didn't matter that Daddy loved PJ Harvey and Mommy loved Orbital. looking back to a time when dating was simpler, and when electronic hooking up didn't exist, I realize we've become desensitized to true chemistry and the work involved in making an effort to get to know someone.

I had forgotten all about that in-person chemistry experience. it has been years since I've enjoyed that type of exchange.

so to Zman, I suggest, perhaps it doesn't matter if Telula doesn't like punk rock music, if you enjoy the exchange of punches and laughter on the school bus, that could be the fledgling of true love after all. ask her out on a playdate, she might just surprise you and have something greater to offer than you anticipated.