wrong, accept it. step one.

Ok Popi, I'm gonna write it out.  I'm going to find the words to scribe to express my truest me and expel this unbearable heart break from the inner fibers of my soul.  I do not think I'll ever understand how I ended up in this spot alone on this earth.  where does that understanding really come from?

what's missing for me is closure, comprehension and the sight to truly see all the moving parts of what I'm standing on now.  standing in? standing near? engulfed by?

it is hard to breathe for large parts of the day.  just sitting and breathing takes effort, I typically take such simple things for granted.

where did I go wrong?

everything I was afraid of came to fruition.  is it self-manifested destiny or foresight?

I'm powerless.  my life has become unmanageable.  step one.

in an effort to get back to the joyful, peaceful, self loving and empowered person I was ... I have to go back to step one.

as my heart seizes, and I try to avoid becoming another pile of blubbering tears I say, "I'm powerless over... my life is unmanageable because of... "

today, I accept it is like this and like this is does suck.  it sucks being mistreated and misunderstood. it sucks being turned into a joke, or morphed into someone I'm not. I've been reinterpreted into a crazy monster, an uncaring bitch, a clingy fool and a terrible person.

but... I'm, I am, I....

I am powerless. I accept.  life is unmanageable if I keep fighting for what isn't.

why does he act with the intention to hurt me?  did I really hurt him?  is he hurt by the fact that I wanted forever? is he angry I felt I deserved something he promised me over and over?  does he feel inadequate despite the millions of times I told him he's awesome and adored unconditionally?

there is no answer.  there won't be.  I don't get to have closure or understanding.  these choices have all been made for me.  no matter how hard I endeavor to fix and change and grow, I do these things alone.  boxed in a corner, too hideous to look upon.  a blubbering mess that once smiled incessantly. sparkles traded in for washed up aged wrinkles and funny old people hairs in new places.

I've been told many times that it is none of my business what other people think of me.  it doesn't matter, I shouldn't take other people's actions personally.  there is one problem.  this is the most personal of thoughts, they are embedded on experiences that include me exclusively.  my self worth has been ripped from me.  they laugh, they taunt, they make memes and joke at my expense.  they pat him on the back for kicking me when I'm down, and they tell him he's right for escaping the clutches of the horrible person he has made me out to be.  I look in the mirror, and I do not see what he sees at all.  he fashions me to be something dark and terrible.  an unlovable hideous monster unworthy of anyone's love.

does any of that matter?

but, I am not crazy? my feelings are valid.  I know they are valid.  I've been told my feelings matter somewhere, was it a book? a story?  I am right to have an opinion.  I am allowed to have a point of view.  why does he always adamantly blame me? why does he get to be cruel, time, and time again?  I am not cruel.  I am skillful, honest and compassionate.

wait. breathe. pause.

I am powerless over....
My life is unmanageable because of....

it is painful to confess, but thoughts of wanting to disappear and become nothing swallowed me whole over and over as he ran away and chickened out on a life that was near perfectly wonderful.  and now he has fallen in love with someone else.  two weeks after he kissed me and said I make the world a better place, two weeks after he held me and told me he appreciates me and loves me... he manages to find someone else.  days after he sends me love letters and professes he still loves me.  he loves someone else.  there's a new girlfriend now.  she's better than me he says.

everything I am, everything I gave, every part of me I put into this affair becomes invalidated on one swift communication letting me know that I single handedly ruined a date with a stranger I knew nothing about.

he has a new girlfriend.  I found out in an angry email.  he's mad I want to see him and spend time with him.  he is uncomfortable that I still love him and openly share my heart with him.  me, the bane of everything bad.  me the catalyst of his pain.  me, the unfortunate mistake he's done making.

he has fallen out of love with me in a few days and in love with someone new.  someone better than me because she doesn't call him and bother him, he says.  he has determined this new person is better than me because in two weeks he's learned everything he needs to know about this new lover to identify how wonderful and perfect she is.  he calls her his new girlfriend.  he's rather spend time with his new girlfriend.  he looks forward to making an effort to spend a whole weekend with his new girlfriend.

was he even done with the one he had?

I am disposable.  I am nothing.  a filthy wet snot rag, untouchable and undesirable.  he could take it or leave it if I call.  he doesn't care.  he's fine if we don't see each other ever again. he doesn't miss me.  there's nothing to miss, he says.  I am a thought that evaporates into the ether and becomes silence.  a tear rolling down a cheek in the rain disappearing with the rest of the H2O gathering into puddles and pools of wetness at our feet.  inconsequential. a nuisance when heard.

stop.

there are things to be grateful for.  I can pick up the pieces.  I can start life over.  I can have a day one, a day two, a day three a life after all of this.

I am powerless over.... my life is unmanageable because of ....

it is not my fault I have scars, bumps and bruises.  my intentions were forever and always for love.

I love fully, openly and without abandon.  I fall deeply, care unconditionally and effort to be kind, graceful, compassionate and honest.  each day, I gave all I had.  I committed to the process and offered all of me.

everything I was afraid of from the day we met came true.
I've been abandoned when I was most vulnerable.  I believed there were two people here.  there is only one, me, alone.

now, I need to love me the way I loved him.  I need to care for me the way I was concerned for his well being.  today, I promise to treat myself as I treat everyone but me.  I gotta fall back in love with me.  it's the only way I'll ever break through and out of this broken place.

right now, I need to just accept that it is like this.  it sucks.  he loves someone new.  accept it dumb ass.  he is done with me, I'm a wretch, unlovable and no, that's not what I say...

I have to care for me as though I am my own best friend.  someone can find me lovable, I can love me first.  so much easier to spew through written word than to believe in my heart.

today was day two.  almost there... I can do this right?

lightness of being

yesterday, I embarked on a bit of woo woo healing action, and worked with my friend Michelle, an energy healer, to dig deep into some stuff that's coming up for me.  in my latest bout of self exploration, I've come to the realization that I have developed an intimate relationship with my anger.  it's not something new, it's a hindrance that has walked along side me for most of my life.

as a little girl, there's a moment indelible in my mind, I'm with my father.  in this moment I'm complaining, gossiping and judging, and he turns to me, and says, "when did you become so negative?"

that is a very good question.  you see, I was not born negative.  my true nature is not to be negative or down.  in my heart, I am light, optimistic and filled with love. so how did I end up becoming so negative.  when did I birth this inner wounded one who throws tantrums deep inside me, trying to get noticed and heard by others?

in my session yesterday, we danced backwards in time where I recreated all the incidents where scars occurred.  whether I was at fault or someone else, that was irrelevant, it was the reliving of these moments in a chronological memory tapestry that illuminated some things for me.  it really doesn't matter who did what, it was the scarring that carved out a road map to the wounded one who lives within me.

I was given the option to correct my past experiences or be different or just get out a hose and blast them out.  guess which option I went for?  yes, the Hose!  I picked that thing up and aggressively doused out these moments.  there's no way to change our past, so why pretend I could possibly design a new trajectory to get me to this very place where I stand now?

here's what I have to takeaway ... I am afraid of letting go of my pain, fear and anger.  if I truly choose happiness in its purest sense, it would mean letting go of these cultivated hindrances in my life.  the problem is, I have this codependent relationship to my anger, my pain and the armor I've built up around myself to deflect the possibility of being hurt more.  the pain I carry continues to hurt me, but it keeps me from letting in more.

hanging onto all this negativity has another side effect.  it it keeping me from letting in the good stuff, the love that is all around me.  my boyfriend tells me he loves me, and I question it constantly.  how can that be? how can he love me when I am so incredibly unlovable?  there's more to me than the wounded one inside.  he sees my light. he loves my capacity for unconditional love.  he sees my magic.

as I dig deeper into this self reflection, the thing I love most about myself is my capacity to love others, to see the good things in them and lift those things up.  to acknowledge others and raise them up, to hold them in high regard and gift them love without anticipating this in return. I do this for people all over my life, strangers I meet for the first time, friends I make, the man I love and of course ... MY CHILD!

my boyfriend has often told me that one of the reasons he is so enamored of me is that I make a mark or leave an impression on everyone I meet.  I really see it, he is right.  my love, laughter and levity is such a gift.  it encompasses so much of who I am, and it is what I lead with in most of my daily life.

this giant weight of pain has been lifted, I let it go.

someone said the other day, it is far easier to let love into a broken heart because there are all those cracks to let light in.  if this is true, then my broken heart is capable of taking in a lot of love.  at Kol Nidre services tonight, the rabbi asked us to let go of the 'husks' that we think 'protect us' and make room to let love in.  how timely that tonight's sermon was so closely related to the transformative lessons I've had in the past few days.

this new lightness comes with boundaries.  I've let three very 'important' people go from my life this week. deleted. blocked. 'dead' to me by being removed from my citta (heart mind) and let go of (for my own good).  they have their own path, and mine wasn't designed to care take their toxic misery and illness and lead to authentic happiness at the same time.  there is not a way to have both or do both, so I surrender.  there's no chance in pleasing the people who have destroyed me, and trying to get their approval is killing my light and my beautiful soul.

I think, like the fear around questioning what life would be like without fear, holds the same kind of aversion to wondering if I can manage going on without having these 'constants' in my life.  it's ok, I'm making myself ready to be ok with just not knowing for the sake of my joy.

the intention here is to make room for love to come to me, to come in and fill me.  I have a beautiful child, a wonderful boyfriend, fabulous friends, a robust career life and I have ME.  there is much to be grateful for, and I realize it's ok that it doesn't look like how society says it should and it's ok if it's imperfect.  I have loads of love, and doesn't that defy perfection and expectations?  I mean, love is what we want to attain and look how much I have. It's abundant! It's amazing.  It is mine, and I am worthy and deserving of it.

so, I stop trying to plug up the cracks in my heart.  instead, I am celebrating all those cracked bits, the places that are letting the light and love in.  I am open, I am vulnerable, practicing compassion, slowing down and my commitment for  5775 is to make room for all the love and let it in.