Little Pinholes left for the One that Got Away

Last weekend, I had the inevitable ride that has shaken my insides out. I attended the Commitment Reception for my dear friend Chris F. and his new Life Partner V. It was a joyous occasion, as all gay marriages are. When two gay people chose marriage, it has to be for love and no other reasons. It's a love that stands against any odds or social responsibility. It is extra special.

At this particular gathering, the faces of my past all came together….my first true love, the one that got away and a plethora of faces and people who remain a part of my very indelible past. They were the people who attending the making of Elissa Jane. The people who watched me grow from little girl to the beginnings of womanhood.

Here I am, 20+ years later… and realizing we are all the same people. All of us still firmly gripped in the priorities and personalities we had back then. Sure we have grown up, married, had kids, followed grand career paths, got on planes and moved around the world…..all to find ourselves back in this reunion at the love union of an old friend.

It was a night of love and laughter, uneasiness I had to push deep down somewhere so I could be present in the experience. I hadn't seen most of these people in 15 years or longer. As much as I've done in my life, traveled the world, married, divorced, had a kid, grand career, big move to the country…. I'm the same person. We all are.

I handled the night sober, nothing to buffer the experience. There I was, engaging in the same skin, a little older, but the same skin.

Without a doubt, I was happy for all, and elated to have the chance to rekindle the friendships – if just for one more night, with the people with whom I felt closest to in my high school years.

I was surprised at the details and memories each person had of me. I couldn't believe that I had made an impression in so many ways to each of the people of my past. Just as much as they had such an impact on me.

As for my first true love…I couldn't have been happier for him and all that he had. A gorgeous, loving, committed wife, two cute kids and a life that from the outside in looked incredibly perfectly great. I don't think I got to truly express how happy for him I was. To think that he got such a great hand at the life game, he certainly deserves it.

Then there was him…it was the one face I was most afraid to see. But he was there… the one that got away… There are a few of those in my life, but my heart still seeps a little for the could have been of what might have happened if we had both just taken that leap. We got close to it a few times over the years.

They say… things happen for a reason. They say… things happen as they are meant to be.

When I got home from the party, feet sore from my high heels, heart sore from feeling so much in one night, I washed off all my make up, brushed my teeth, put on my PJs and a silk robe, and curled up on the couch….and uncontrollably, sobbed a little for what felt like hours.

While time heals all wounds, the scars remain. The once very big holes in my heart are now tiny pinholes, but they are still there. Little tiny dark holes, barely visible to the naked eye – but present enough to forcibly drive me to feel a little tiny bit of longing and nostalgia.

I love that I was there, and had the chance to be with this pod of people one more time.

We all made plans to see each other again soon, to drive/fly around the world and spend more time together. The reality is… I probably won't see any of them for a long long time.

As for the one that got away…. I'm sad that he still suffers from some of the same lack-of-love afflictions he had when I last saw him. The last time I saw him, I was married, holding hands with my husband and thinking …. What if….

But there is no turning back. We have all grown up, time racing by our sides. We had to move on. That's what was meant to be.