The best way to get over feeling ashamed of doing something completely impulsive and stupid....do something way more stupid and embarrassing....have a good laugh...and realize that the consequences are really no big deal....
Oh, how I adore my inner spaz, she's fan-frickin-tastic baby!
Blahging on... I have to say, the beginning of my week was pretty horrible...if you and I didn't connect, let me catch you up....
I felt immense urge and pain to fall right back down the dark hole. I wanted to go backwards, crack a bowl, and a beer, and take away the pain with what I know works. Well, not really, it's a temporary fix…but in the hours that surrounded my days…I so wanted to just drink again…
But, my will didn't win, my HP protected me and guided me through the darkness...
My clarity wins, this time.
What did it take...well...I did something really dumb, in front of more than a gaggle of strangers at the gas station in the middle of Kingston, with my son in tow....yeah, I was distracted, full of rage, hideously resentful when I pulled in...something's wrong with my coolant thingy in my car...so I buy another giant bottle of the toxic green liquid while filling up my tank. I do that thing, you know, where you stick the gas cap into the pump so the gas keeps pumping while I huff and puff in the store looking for more coolant. I refill the leaking thing under the hood. Mind you, I have no clue what I'm doing, I'm not exactly car savvy.
I'm pissed I don't have child care and I have to go to my stupid mandatory one on one session with that wretched counselor at mandatory rehab. I loathe her, and her stupid comments. I abhor that she has the desicision to give me my drivers license back or not. Oh, I just want to go punk rock on her ass and beat her down in my cherry toed boots.
But, I'm wearing open toed heels, that ain't gonna work.
Distracted, and lost in my head, where dark thoughts are consuming me, I finish refilling the coolant, get the cap twisted back in place, close the hood, get in my car, turn up the music and drive away.
I'm sitting at the edge of the parking lot, when this adorable young boy comes up to me with my gas cap in his hand, "Mam, you forgot to take the pump out before you drove away, here's your gas cap."
Ooooooops!
I turn around and see about 15 car loads of people watching me. They are scowling, as though I did something to them.
I walked back to where I was pumping, put the nozzle back in it's place. Thank the boys about 20 times over. Smile at the man shaking his head at me, and say, "oh well, I guess I lost my mind a little, but you wouldn't know what that feels like…hah hah…because, you know, you've never made a mistake in your life."
Fuck him. Fuck them.
Thank you to the guys who bothered to get me my gas cap back.
Thank you for not trashing my car.
Thank you for insuring that I didn't injure anyone, accept my ego a little.
Thank you for helping me find the laughter in it. For realizing the consequences were pretty miniscule. That in the grand scheme, I'm just a cute spaz, and cute spazzy girls are bound to do some pretty funny spazzy things in front of a gas station full of strangers during rush hour.
What did I do after that?
I laughed out loud at myself...turned up the Modest Mouse track kickin' out of my speakers...and went on to the next thing…
I have to live life no matter what, it's the attitude I've got while dealing that makes all the difference.
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