waiting....

No one could have explained this new life to me before... they just wouldn't have made any sense. I wouldn't have believed that a life of clarity would be this way.

Up until the night of the very end, I never pictured myself clean. I couldn't look forward at a life that didn't include getting high and drinking.

A friend said to me over the weekend, that sobriety is the greatest weirdest trip he's been on...more than all the drugs and drinking we've done...it is sobriety that is the trippiest trip of them all.

You know, he's right.

I understand what he is saying. I am still green, this is still so new. It is some sort of trip, and adventure with freak outs, joy, connectedness, realization, and an understanding that I have a choice.

I'm making different choices, but now... as I morph my way of life into something else, I feel as though I'm in a bit of a holding pattern.

I am now Waiting for the universe to unfold it's plan for me in front of me. This is counter-intuitive of what I understand, of what I know.

Taking suggestions, I pray, I meditate, I pray some more... and wait to see if my quiet speaking brings me the things I ask for. As a spiritual person, I know to pray for things in a white magic way. I ask for the universe to make decisions, and never worry about the material... just the peace and the love to fill the potholes and cracks in my soul and my heart.

If you ask me, was the old way working for me? My answer would have to be no. My life was unmanageable, and I became the thing that got in my way as much as the thing that manifested so many realities.

Taking in life, and it's still my life, but doing it in a place of clarity... I feel like I'm on some sort of trip...except, unlike a drug induced trip...this one keeps going and going and going.

I keep doing 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3.... surrendering, handing my will over... and find myself sitting back and letting my HP drive.

Life keeps coming, throwing the stuff at me, and forcing me to challenge me to be clean another day.

I experience such a range of ups and downs, gains and losses, things to be grateful for... and have to endure all the stuff life just keeps throwing into my time line.

Today, I pray for others. I see that I can give, and love differently. Inside, I have compassion, and recognize that the way things look on first impression are not always as they seem.

My greatest supports right now come from places I never expected.

There are promises, of a peace I've never known before, of a love and magic that will bring me all the things I truly want and deserve.

Yet... I am waiting... I am waiting... I am waiting.... I am waiting....for my life to unfold in front of me....my new life... to open up in front of me....