and let....

I am holding my heart in my hands. It's a wet, warm, gushy organ that is also slimy, fragile, slippery and covered in bright red blood. My fingers are wrapped around it applying just enough pressure to maintain its position. In my hands, it's warm, pulsing and alive. If I grip too tightly, the pliable organ gushes out between my fingers and crimson blood spills to the ground. If I hold on too gently, it slides out from my hands.

So I cradle my heart. Oh, so carefully. I hang on to it applying just enough pressure to secure it safely between my palms and fingers. In this manner, I am in control.

In my life, I've learned to be a realist. I see things in the present tense for what they are. It is my intellectual brain that wants to take charge. Oh, I am very smart… painfully so. I see the world as it is and have experienced too much to let myself fantasize and dream the way other people do.

Growing up, reality was presented to me at an early age. Being a city girl, I never had a childhood. I grew up as a woman, not into a woman. There was no choice in the matter, if I were to survive, I'd need to be strong long before most people become actual adults.

I found my escape, in a token…. which took me downtown to a world where I was free.

In my early years, I grew close with the drug addicts and runaways….with them I could identify far more than with the kids who grew up as I did.

Reality and I have fought together. Whenever I had too much of it, I knew there was an escape. I've lost my mind thousands of times, all in an effort to run away from truth. Seeing the world for what it is isn't easy. It's painful to have to know that the world is a cruel harsh place and the people in it need to be kept at a reasonable distance from me.

I see things for what they are. And in this time, I clearly see with no escape.

I have fallen in love. I've fallen into unconditional love, where I'm committed without a shadow of a doubt…until a condition of reality stepped into our romantic space, switching my love off as easily as clicking the switch to a light. Flip. It's done.

I'm not impervious to heart break. I am not impervious to emotion. In fact, I'm acutely aware that I am hyper sensitive. Nonetheless, my realism separates me from other people, providing me a knowledge that protects me from suffering.

As a creative human being, it is easy for me to fantasize, and drift off into a place where things are different. But unfortunately, I can clearly distinguish between my fictional and non-fictional worlds.

The world has surprised me many times. The universe has had many plans for me over the years that took me far from what I expected. Expectations are merely pre-cursors to resentments. It is better to avoid having any such things, or get sucked into a vortex of depression, which would only lead me into an abyss of nothing.

Reality is really not knowing anything. Reality is only what is present. It is the thing right in front of me. So, I stand looking my reality head on. I'm looking right into the eyes of what is.

But what if? What if I made a different choice? What if I allowed my intellectual realism to take a back seat, and fully allow something else to take over? What if I opened my heart to possibility? I could just let go…and thus… end my control completely.

A few days ago, I had a spiritual awakening. I let in truth and light, I allowed myself to see my reality differently. I saw myself with an open available heart linked to a great light that is my HP. And in the moment that I truly let go, I felt a rush so hard. My body reacted as though I had taken a strong drug, but in this instance the drug was Love.

I could make a different choice, and allow Love to guide me through life. In the end, Love is the perfect solution to everything. Maybe it is that I think too much, and if I turned all that thinking off…. a different result would befall me.

So I stand, with my heart in my hands. Curious. Why do I need to hang on so carefully and methodically? I could let go. I could let go of my heart and know that there will be emotions to be felt. Some will be exhilarating, and others will cut deep. I am feeling my emotions for the first time really. In my sobriety, I am stepping across my known reality into a different place… and that is Clarity.

I could open my heart and set free my Love. Let it rock the core of my world and allow the possibility of unknown envelop me.

I deserve to Love and be Loved. I could allow myself to be open, and accept possibility and stop thinking about labels and definitions. My HP loves me unconditionally. This I can feel, even in my darkest pain, there is something greater than me that loves me.

As I handed my will and my life over to my HP….my heart must go with it.

I'm standing with my heart in my hands.

I let go….and let……