i am so in love, madly so

so last night....as I snuggled up in bed... after a nice day of living... at 11ish… ready to drift off…

When, it happened, that sharp pain.. that grew...and grew... and grew...

shit!

(NOTE: I have kidney stones, old man disease, and yeah, the pain? it hurts WORSE than giving birth.)

Back to the plot.

I haven't had an attack in over a year or something, WTF! Shit. The Pain! Oh no.

The pain grew more and more excruciating. I knew I had to find some back up meds somewhere. I've always got an extra set of pills in the pocket of my handbag. But alas, I've been feeling pretty great and don't really have meds handy. Plus, I've recently moved and far from fully unpacked… I'm going to have to find all my handbags, and dig through all my side little pockets with the hopes of finding some old stash.

So my quest began as I tore through my house in search of relief. I'm fully fiending....

At this point, the pain is unbearable, and the only way to get through it is meds and breathing. Mind you, I have a really, really, really high tolerance to pain. So when I say, it hurts, trust me, it's BAD.

So the spiritual journey through my house begins, tearing this place apart looking for salvation in two little bright red pills in a small plastic sleeve. Beyond searching for a needle in a haystack.

I begin with the bathroom, pulling everything out of the cabinets, tearing through all my make up bags, and just about everything I've got in there. Mind you, I'm a girl, so I've got a lot of places to scour in the bathroom. All sorts of zippered bags with all sorts of girlie goodies.

I began to bargain with god out loud, "please, please, please, the pain is unbearable, I know you can't just take it, so please help me find relief, help me find the cure for this unbelievable pain," and in that moment….CRACK! the sounds of glass hitting the floor.

It's my blue glass pipe, the one that old boyfriend gave me, the one I couldn't give up, the one I couldn't lose, or throw away. The one I saved, just in case….shattered. I've dropped this thing Hundreds of times, never so much as a splinter. There it was, in pieces on the floor. I looked, amazed at the blue glass covered in black resin on one side … on my bathroom floor. I quickly cleared the pieces, chucked it in the garbage and snickered…"well, that's one sort of release from a different pain."

I begin to pray again, as I crawl into my bedroom. Now I've got to find every handbag I've ever owned. I'm dying, it hurts so bad.

Tearing through bags and boxes, I find all sorts of things, photos, clothes, books, love letters, dried flowers, you know, all the bits of crap I've packed away from the past couple of moves that need to be dealt with. But not necessarily at 1-whatever AM while I'm unable to stand up the pain is so bad.

Skipping ahead….

So, my very neat room is now piles of stuff everywhere, every handbag I've ever own strewn out, inspected, turned inside out… I'm a JAP, I have a lot of friggin' handbags…. No meds No relief.

More prayer. I can't go to the hospital, please not that, can't wake the baby, have to find a solution. "GOD HELP ME!"

I begin looking like a fiend in all sorts of places, praying searching, desk drawers, kitchen, and finally, I make it to a jewelry box my son made me in preschool covered in little shells. I pry the top off and look inside.

And at that moment….praying, deeply asking "god, please relieve me of my pain, please please take this horrible pain from me please god…show me something…anything…."

There was my wedding ring.

I sat, calmly looking into the box The frantic freak out halted. I pulled the ring out of the box and held it between my thumb and pointer finger. It was almost like I was looking at it for the first time.

It had been more than two years since I had laid eyes on my ring, I had hidden it from myself, forgotten about it.

It's a lovely white gold band, beautiful piece of jewelry, little diamonds all around it. Classic, a little funky, so very me.

I reached inside my heart, and discovered…. this inanimate piece of metal and diamonds no longer triggered any sort of emotion for me. Its just a piece of jewelry, sparkly, lovely… and mine. Wasting away in this jewelry box because I attached a meaning to it. And yeah, at one time, this piece of metal with diamonds around it had meaning.

As I continue my program and connection to a different place in my spirituality, my attachment to the material becomes less and less important. All I need is enough. This ring, is wasting away in the box. I am no longer attached to it's meaning of the past. Right now, in this moment, it's a beautiful ring, which fits me, suits me and belongs to me.

So as I took a moment to meditate, and take relief in the moment of calm, I thought about how much I love myself. How this pain, like my emotional pain, will pass, with or without drugs. I made a conscious choice to say, "Thank you god."

I put the ring on my right hand and declared - I am in LOVE with myself and I am married to ME. I am enough and all I need. Me and I will get through this and we'll be ok.

I'm a Gemini, I can have a me and an I. Go with it.

Then I went into the bathroom and popped 8 Advils with the hopes that would suffice until I got to CVS in the AM.

I awoke, and there was the ring on my right hand. I sealed the deal with myself. It was really an awesome feeling, to be so clear.

I got Z on the bus, got my ass to CVS and got my meds, phsew.

More importantly, I had this awesome honeymoon day with me.

All day, I looked down at my right hand and smirked. I'm so in love, madly so. I love this person I am, and dig the skin I'm in.

I'm awesome, and couldn't think of a better life partner … well… maybe that's pushing it.

I married myself last night, for better or worse.

I <3 Me