rhythm rug pulled out from under me

oftentimes, I relish my space and alone time living upstate.  without hesitation, I spend many weekends curled up in pjs reading a book as a choice.  no longer fettered to the idea that I must be at 'the party' to be happy, I find solace in my personal time doing things like running, writing, yoga, watching nature go by and meditating.  a former and much cooler incarnation of myself would barf at the sight of this new and evolved me.  sometimes, I look at my life and think, um really?

but the party girl is far from 'gone', she just prefers to be more selective about her weekends.  this weekend, the party girl inside was ready to come out to play.

in this ongoing struggle to walk the middle-way, also known as living a peaceful Life, I've come to a new realization....  ready?  here it comes....

Expectations are just delusions.  They are NOT reality.  The only thing we have is right now in this moment.  Everything I plot as a wanted outcome will not happen, because it is an expectations and thus, they are not real.  My expectations always cause me suffering because my internal mental planning never pans out the way I think it will go. 

oh yes.  every expectation I have ever had has lead me down a dark road of craving and attachment to an outcome didn't pan out in reality the way it came to fruition in my monkey mind.

these past few weeks, months.... who am I kidding, my entire lifetime has been filled with communication errors, cluster fucks and breakdowns.  I picture in my mind that things will go a certain way, without factoring in the present moment and that maybe, just maybe, the other people involved didn't have the same plan.

looking at life with this new perspective, it is more evident to me now than ever that life was just happening, and the reason it 'appeared' as though things weren't going my was that.... things weren't going along with my EXPECTATIONS.  oh hot damn!

I've been putting a lot of energy around this idea of letting go and just BEING Still with what is.  my perspective on the work I'm doing around surrendering and accepting has once again shifted.

this past weekend, I had a plot and a plan with an itinerary and schedule essential to maximizing my 48 hour party plan.  it was a celebration weekend, the full moon with my Luna family, and celebrating 'three' the magic number (* winking *) and a great party to get my groooooooooOOOoooOOOoooOOOOoooove on.  I had it all arranged, pockets of people with assigned events and plans, reservations, locations and such, only to have it all mixed up, moved around and rearranged by outside forces.  an earlier incarnation of myself might have curled up and cried at the fact that my carefully organized agenda was falling apart not only at the seams but there where holes, and gaps and well, it was disintegrating right before my eyes.  but the me of today had a different point of view. 

I've been thinking a lot about the foundations of my dharma practice and the Third Noble Truth.  letting go of my attachment to expectations is the key to maintaining my peaceful mind.  by surrendering to the plan of the universe, I'm giving myself the gift of FREEDOM from agonizing over my unmet expectations.  this practice worked for most of the weekend.

there were the surprises.  someone who was a very close friend who had hurt me greatly decided to make an amends to me on Saturday night in the middle of the dance floor.  there I was, hot and sweaty, while this person faced me, held me and spoke his truth about how important I am to him.  for the first time in months, he was opening his heart to me and apologizing for misusing our friendship.  without sharing details, I can tell you that he opened up a can of worms and from that point on, one after the other, the confessions and proclamations of Love and Respect continued to flow from more and more people in the room.  this was the theme of my evening, one by one, friends cleaning up our friendships and making things right by either sharing with me old resentments or making amends for stuff that happened between us.  some party!  so much for losing my mind in the music, I was too busy being present for one person after another. talk about bonding!

on Saturday night I was inundated by love, that was accompanied by many truths.  and .... more was revealed, while I surrendered to it and let it happen. 

for twenty years, this group of friends have become my family, my home and when they tell me the words, "I Love You." I know that this sentiment is authentic.   I have had to walk through much of my life on my own, and yet, when I return to this group of friends, I know that I belong.  our years of friendship has transcended trends, openings, closings, my marriage, my dog Scooter Pie and so many phases of my life.  these people have supported me emotionally without letting me down or letting go from then to now.   these friends are more than a group or a tribe, they are 'my people'.  we share a common history.  we are bonded for life by a history few can truly understand.

the dichotomy between that life and my life upstate is so pronounced, I can literally feel a tremendous difference walking around NYC vs the ease of my chillage lil cabin life nestled in the styx.  both have their advantages, of course, NYC's grimy exoskeleton fits me like a favorite worn out hoodie sweatshirt.  up here, there's fresh air, and ease of time, a smiling face and plenty of space.  down there, I need to squish up against people to carve out my spot, ingest millions of snippets of dialog, screaming angry, shouting, stench and the thing I adore most... the attitude of so many people (including me) who act like they are entitled to be treated with some sort of special treatment.  fortunately, I've learned to let that go too. 

I've made many clusters of friends along the way since I moved to this area, and I've shed most of them like a snake sheds skins.  my favorite line my friend fab friend Susan Pipperado said to me in regards to my recycling social circles a few years ago is, "they weren't your people."  my tribe is in NYC.... but I'm a nomad, a chameleon and open to new connections.  the way I feel with my NYC friends can be proprietary to them.  I can stay open to new kinds of relationships and find new ways to build support around me, and I have people here to love me and catch me when I fall.  I have built up a new community here, my dharma sangha, my neighbors and the special people who accept and are growing to love the quirky wacky girl that is me.  I must remind myself to keep giving this portion of my adventure a chance, to stay in it. you know what, it is ok to belong to more than one tribe. my survival depends on it. 

headed 'home'.  driving north.  there is a distinct transition as I drive through the exit 19 toll off the throughway towards the last 20 miles of my trip up 28w.  my heart beats change tempo, my foot lifts up off the gas peddle a little, I change the music and crack the windows to invite in the fresh air.  it feels so good to pull into my driveway and see my little brown wooden dwelling waiting for me patiently.  I may still call NYC Home, but my Heart is still beating in the woods of Willow.  and so, the upstate journey continues.