Rot Town Road Trip

What a difference a day makes... after a chaotic dramatic Sunday, I entered Monday... open to getting the eff out of dodge and driving an unbelievable five hours to facilitate a 1.5 hour Rochester Dharma Punx meeting.  I wasn't sure what was going to ensue, what I would offer or what kind of service I could be to anyone else.  My head and heart were battered and done in, my emotional equanimity all off quilter.  When I'm not really in a good balanced place, I often feel like a bamboozling shamster, like those guys who used to sell the magic elixir tonics at the turn of the century.  I know how to fix you, drink this!

I don't think I really evaluated the length of the drive before I planned on making the journey.  It was quite the long venture.

Mind you, I actually LOVE being in my car for long periods of time, I talk on the phone, play my music loud and enjoy the people watching and of course, my love of driving fast is affectionately sated on 270 miles of never ending highway.  I was looking forward to my drive time, but snags in the drama of the life I can't control through my co-pilot into the mix, Zbot ended up coming along for the ride.  My much-anticipated five hours of alone time was now altered to be keeping the kiddo calm time.  We argued over the music, had to stop all the times he had to pee, had to get him food at some MacDonald’s at a rest stop.  This was not part of the plan.  Nothing leading up to my adventure was part of the plan and let me tell you, life through me some wretched dramatic curve balls before I left for my Rot City adventure.

By the time I landed at the White Lotus Tibetan Buddhist center I was so incredulously emotionally and physically exhausted, I had the shakes.  I was worried that I'd be that tonic selling con woman, with nothing authentic to offer.  I had rehearsed parts of my dharma talk in my head in the car in between Zbot's ramblings and debates over iPod music selection.  I felt like a lower percentage of whole myself, about to present the dharma to a group of strangers who most likely had some expectations about me.

Upon arrival in Rochester, we got a quick bite, which I was very excited about.  Instead I spent most of the meal begging my son to eat the quesadilla generously given to him, which was draining on my wanting to devote my attention to my hosts.  He was defiant, as he is so very good at.  I felt last shreds of my spiritual groovy capabilities slipping from me.  .... and I HAD TO PEE!  The restaurant wouldn't offer me the use of their bathroom, and I seriously felt my teeth floating the entire meal. 

It was time to begin the meeting.  I had all sorts of things with me, readings, my cushion, my phone that I use as a timer to arrange.  Desperately, I really needed to find a bathroom.  I felt like I'd never find that settling space I'm so attached to so that I can do my soft shoe.  On top of the hustle to be ready for the meeting, I had my son whimpering about the computer not working and not being able to find his favorite game screaming, oh gads SCREAMING from the other room, "mommy ... mommy."  Let me tell you, this shit combined with life's laywoman responsibilities is really fricking hard.  I did manage to leave him behind with a stern tone, and nestled myself into my cushion hoping to find space from the stress of the journey and the day behind me.

That is when I quietly took a breath, and another one, and another one, I forced a smile upon my face which gradually went from fixed to authentic as I opened myself to the room, the new faces, the energy of the space and the decor and the Buddhas.  In the way I instruct so many others, I set an intention to be of service and my intention was to be in service to EVERYONE who was in that room. That is when the release came.  I was relieved of my chaos the moment I set an intention to care for others.  When I let go of my needs and self-interest, I became abundantly present and even excited for the moments that would follow.

Like magic, my overall well-being shifted when I made the moment about a bunch of somebody else’s and got over the 'Me Me Me'.

The meeting was amazing, for me.  I loved being able to share my take on the dharma, my understanding of the story and the history and my passion for practice.  I tuned in to each and every person and brought in his or her ideas.  I abandoned the talk I rehearsed from days before, to the night before and on my way in the car for hours and hours.  The discussion was about what the group chose and I was neutral about changing everything up for the conscious of the group experience.  The meeting went an hour longer than usual.  People took turns and shared honestly.

What I was reminded was that there is a reason I've been working so hard at this stuff.  I do have a purpose in this community, there is sangha for me wherever I go.  I do have something beautiful to offer even in my darker times, all I have to do is turn my attention outward toward the betterment of others and the love of people besides myself.  All the craving and dissatisfaction I had arrived with had become irrelevant.

I drove home a different person because I've re-focused my effort towards the connection I have with others.  My priorities are not on what I'm not getting in my life ... I'm putting my energy towards being in service and sharing what I can to help others combat their suffering.  I have two new sponsees in the Buddhist recovery scene as of today.  I'm elated to be working one on one with people who want what I have.  Wow, what a concept.  People actually want what I have?  If only they know all the other stuff I endure... hah hah... well, I am only a mere mortal human, just like everyone else.