voicemail from the universe

Being a Spiritual Atheist presents its challenges, I mean my life is full of conundrums!  I'm not a fan of woo woo new age self-help trends du jour.  I have a lot of aversion around things that become mainstream, and hipster spirituality doesn't really garner a connection for me.  I literally hate that Bikram guy, giggle at astrology (sort of), scoff at The Secret, and believe that oxygen bars are inane and raw food is just wrong (*1).  So what the hell do you believe if you're an Atheist anyway?  For me, I believe what I see.  If I don't see it, I can't really believe it.  But what if I'm acutely aware and mindful of more than the average person?  How does that work out?

Hey, I'm a seeker, and I know I've done some crazy things to explore the path to serenity.  I can appreciate people's need to dip their toes in a host of pools or believe in gods they don't know or see.  I respect people's need to believe and am willing to accept that I may really be wrong and they really might be right.  I waffle on the god idea, I mean I'm an atheist, there is no god but every once in a while... my interpretation of 'god' does present itself to me.  One example of this ... back to the car drama that began last week.  I was stuck last Sunday on the Major Deegan, overheating by Yankee Stadium, stuck with thousands of people around me, STUCK!  STUCK!  STUCK!  I managed to get off the highway and landed by a cop at the bottom of a ramp by the stadium.  What I had to do do get down this ramp was more than a test ... but I did make it.  As I sat there helpless, wondering what on earth I was going to do, Officer Reyes came over and assured me that he would be back with a 'plan' for me.

Where could I go?  I sat and waited, patiently.  The reality was, I was powerless.  I just had to wait until something changed and a pathway presented itself other than the path I kept trying to push towards.  Officer Reyes did return and gave me explicit directions, a back way through the Bronx.  I wrote the details down and read them back several times.  I looked at this piece of paper with the directions and back at the Officer and had this moment, thinking, 'shit, this is one of those God moments, like this guy just read me God's Voicemail!'

I followed his directions.  They were simple to follow.  It wasn't easy to stay his course, once I got going, I had plenty of other options I could have taken but I decided that his directions were given to me for a reason.  I made a decision to believe that his directions would be my only way OUT of there and back home.  It worked!  I did get out of the mess and home.  I survived because I followed his 'plan'.  I truly believe that if I veered from his path I would have gotten stuck again.

So there I go again, wondering about cosmic coincidences, signs, little 'things' that pop up randomly to give me a direction and help me make choices.  If enough messages get through, I am easily dissuaded into believing that that is the way to go.  I do listen to people and find that I can be quickly influenced to change my point of view, especially when the messages are coming through.   Officer Reyes was clear, I got what his purpose was.  He intended to help me and I had faith in him.  That's kind of 'my god' talking to me, through the karma of other people.  His directions totally worked!  I stayed his course and escaped the city after 5 failed attempts.  His guidance set me free. 

Yesterday, something strange happened while I was doing the laundry.  A small item fell out of the dryer that normally would have been thrown in the trash.  A little foil wrapper literally blew out and landed in my hand.  I looked at it, shocked really.  I knew what it was and when I received it.  Are you kidding?  The memory of it is indelible in my mind.  I've even shared about the moment I received its contents with a couple of my very, very close girlfriends when I was blabbing the tale about my weekend.  But how oh how did this small bit of what should be trash end up surviving the journey and ending up in my hands that morning.  As I looked upon it, and told Zoren what it was, he lovingly said, "you should keep it mommy".

Was it simply a bit of trash that was in the pocket of a garment I wore a week ago and somehow never got cleared out?  Was it really just an empty wrapper that needed to be disposed of?  Or is this another sign from the universe, something I should not ignore.  Stuff like this doesn't normally survive my diligent laundry process.  I'm pretty good about emptying pockets, throwing things away and preparing my laundry for my effort.  How did this random item end up flying out of the dryer, landing in my hands and looking as though it were meant to be saved.  Strange.

I decided to take Zoren's advice and save it, at least for the time being.  If it is in fact some sort of sign or memento, I'll be glad I saved it.  If it's really just a bit of trash, I can always throw it out later.  It sucks not being able to just have faith in this unknown messaging service and just believe that there could be a hidden meaning.  

I'm definitely struggling spiritually right now.  In my life are gray lines instead of concrete boundaries and I'm getting myself into a situation that is only going to plague me with pain in the end, it is inevitable.  When I stray from the middle way of my path like this, I find myself asking some unknown life force to 'help me' figure things out.  Navigating this world alone is hard.  Adding the hopes that a higher power of some kind is walking along side me certainly would make things a lot easier.  I could take the responsibility and burden of my own free will and destiny and put it on something I can't meet, see, hear or interact with. 

Someone said to me this week that I should follow my 'belly' and that I truly know what the right thing to do is.  The problem is my gut is totally contradicting my rational thought.  My instincts and my actions are not in alignment.  I'm finding myself in this new predicament incredibly uncomfortable a lot of the time.  I'm not used to this feeling anymore, because I haven't put myself in a situation that has forced me to cope with uncomfortability in a very long time.  I'm breaking my cardinal rule, 'cut what messes with my serenity."  Sure life is full of difficult and awkward moments, but right now I feel awkward in my skin all the time.  I haven't felt this unsure of myself in ages.

The worst part is, I seem to have given up my self-control.  Every time I pull it together and make a firm choice to have integrity for myself, something triggers and I waffle... I keep drawing lines in the proverbial sand only to walk right over them and do something other than what I've promised myself moments before.  I tried to remove myself from the situation, go back to isolating and focusing on other things.  The signs and the crazy intuition I'm feeling deep in my belly are contradicting my once scientific and cool way of thinking.

I'm really struggling with sitting with what is... right... now.  

Why did I create a memento out of this inconsequential thing as it flew out of the dryer?  Is it a sign of some sort?  Jeez, why can't I see it is a bit of trash to be thrown away?  I'm so confused.  Why can't I just toss it out?  Why does it have to mean anything?

(*1)  NOTE:  Please accept my apology if I've offended you in in any way with my judgment and remarks.  I truly respect all people's choice in faith, religion and spiritual practice.  If you eat raw food or practice differently or believe in God I think that's totally and awesome and cool for you.