depriving myself of the deprivation

it is interesting... to look at how excess brought me... to a place of indulgence... that lead to a gluttonous downward spiral.  if you've read any of my posts, you're well aware of some of my darkness.

so... over the past few years, I chipped away at the indulgence, which was really a barrier between me and my truth.  I stopped getting high.  I stopped drinking.  I stopped intentionally self-destructing.  I stopped dating.  I quelled my craving.  I practiced letting go.  I practiced cutting the cord between me and my cravings and wanting.  clearing the decks of the things that seemed toxic, I made way to have a really intimate relationship.

that person I got close to, is myself.  I found a raw child, with her development frozen in time by self-numbing and hiding from her own reality.

in this process ... delusion dissolved, not all of it, but a fair amount.  under the layers of silt, I found myself.  removing these things felt like deprivation, but once I let go of wanting... freedom emerged.

I suppose, I've done what monks do.  as a laywoman practitioner, I'll never really be able to experience extended retreats, or take residence in a monastery.  instead, I found a little place far away, cleared out the toxins and people and removed myself as much as I could from society as I know it, so that I could mend what was left of me.

I'm grateful for the years in the lil cabin.  the practice I've taken on thus far.  despite the fact that I have fallen off my self-care track, I know that I'm still caring for myself in ways I never did just a few years ago.

tomorrow, I embark on a 28 day commitment to sit, practice and discover Real Happiness with an electronic sangha.  I've cleared the way, prepared my room, washed the dishes, straightened up.  tomorrow, I have the opportunity to start the day any way I want.  tomorrow, I will wake up and choose joy.  the best part is, my four years of dharma study and practice have taught me that I know how.  it is something I can do.  I will do.  I'm doing it.

not sure what the next 28 days will bring, but I know that I am ready to end my deprivation practice.  not that I need to be gluttonous, but I'm enjoying my dance back to a more normal way of life.  if I'm being cryptic, I guess here's the part where I confess, I broke my sobriety.  I've been very quiet about it, mainly because I don't want to draw attention to it.  it's not a big deal.  well, I suppose it is, but it's really not.  nothing changed when I drank that first sip of sake at the noodle bar.  no one died.  nothing tragic happened.  no fireworks went off, or alarms.  it was a lovely moment between two friends, sharing dinner.  it was... well.. um, normal.

all this deprivation, has separated me from 'life' in a different way.  I swung from one end of the spectrum to the other.  deprivation was not  the middle way, well, at least, it doesn't feel like it for me.

I don't know what is next... but I am ready to break the seals of things I've held myself back from.  I'm done separating myself from society.   of course, I know that I love myself enough to not want to injure myself, or do anything that could jeopardize how far I've come.  but if Real Happiness is the quest, the end goal, then my next chapter is to step back into LIFE, busy active real life filled with all kinds of fulfilling experiences.

I'll document my 28 day journey..... stay tuned.

crazy sexy Elissa Jane

about six months ago, I had the opportunity to meet Kris Carr at her office here in Woodstock.  I left with a handful of stuff, books, DVDs more books.  the Crazy Sexy stack of stuff moved around my room starting with my nightstand next to my bed, to a chair at the food of the bed and eventually, to the big book shelf out in the living room with my stacks of other books. 

and when I put them on on that big book shelf.... I decided I'd just leave them there.

since my last very sad post on this blog, I've spiraled down further... letting go of and losing my spirituality, quitting the gym, freezing the yoga.... three months of choosing NOT to take care of myself anymore.  I felt that if 'he' wouldn't love me, I wasn't worth loving.  I called myself a sham, and wanted out of my dharma practice because I felt I was unworthy.

in these past three months, I quit on myself.  a turning point came last week.  I wrote about it in my Death Becomes Her blog. 

this past weekend, I happened upon my Crazy Sexy Diet book.  OMG, did Elissa Jane say Diet?  Oh hell no, I didn't.  I dusted it off and began turning pages.  The next day, I took myself to the Emerson Spa for a day of me, detoxing, getting rubbed and primped and scrubbed.  I napped in that yummy spa robe in the sun on the deck.  It was all about me.  and the day after that, it began. 

I got my first juicer.  shoving veggies into it brought me such joy.  so I'm doing this thing, yeah, a diet thing.  it's kind of cool because I'm not really thinking of it as a diet but as a chance to re-worship ME.  my morning elixers are delicious gifts from the green goddess.  I'm caring for myself from the inside out.  the Zman was downing doughnuts next to me and all I could think about was kale chips from my own oven.  a continental shift in my thinking has taken place.

I'm mindful of EVERYTHING for the first time in a long time and that mindfulness includes... what I'm eating because I have decided to Love ME again. 

the scale doesn't lie, I gained over 15lbs this past summer.  there is a physical indicator of how much I hated on me for the choices and changes I tried to make and failed at.  but I'm not a failure.... I'm a freaking Rock Star!  so I'm going to treat myself like one all over again. 

perhaps this sort of goddess self-worship journey has to have curves and downturns, otherwise, there's no way to commend myself for the work it takes to be loving and fabulous to myself. 

I hit the meditation cushion for the first time in so long.  I'm not beating myself up, but noticing how unstill my mind has become without training.  instead of getting frustrated, I remind myself that I'm like a newbie all over again.  practice is for me to practice being still, again. 

I had no idea I could be so perky in the morning without coffee.  this kale greenie juice thing gives me a lot of inspiration, it tastes so good and feels so amazing as the juice is making contact with the insides of me.  don't worry, I'm NOT fasting, I'm back to clean vegan eating, lots of local fruits and veggies to enjoy. 

Juice joyful combo of the day:

Bit O Ginger
6 Local Kale Stalks
Handful of Local Blackberries
1 Local Beet
1 Green Local Apple
1 Cucumber
1/2 Lemon Juice

Well, it's officially the end of Day 3.  Tomorrow, I wake up and continue on the journey of me.