tales from the Ashram...

For the past two weeks, I've been formulating my next blog post in my head... trying to put together the words to describe the dismal private pity party I've been hosting for myself.  This summer has been a wild roller coaster to put it mildly, and many of the things I carved into expectations didn't come to fruition.  Once again, I went out there a gutsy warrior, and failed by making some really bad choices.  Where did I end up?  Right back where I started.  Or did I?

There's something cyclical afoot ... each June, as my birthday comes, I make a declaration that I'm going to make things very different.  I put plans into motion, and set an intention to radically change my life... and each year, those radical plans end in "disaster" and "failing."  Inevitably, I end up crawling back to my life, humbled.  

This summer has been no different.  Once again, I've repeated the quest that ended in failure.

I can't say that I feel royally defeated, because of the clarity I have about the imperative to have a certain quality of life, I haven't backed down on myself.  In fact, I've picked up the pieces and quickly got back into my upstate swing of things.  A year ago, heartbreak was the catalyst for a year long crisis of faith and, well, I totally gave up on me.  I don't feel this same defeat right now.  Just a bump in the path, a big crazy speed bump and a pot hole that literally dislodged some things.

I'm writing this post from Ananda Ashram.  If you haven't been here before, the best way to describe it is... a yoga camp for spiritual seekers with a magical vibe and chillaxed atmosphere.  I came here once before, last year just after hitting a large life sized pothole that left me broken.  I wasn't really planning on coming here this weekend, in fact it was a spontaneous last minute decision ... literally, I booked this trip on Thursday night.

On Friday, I ended my harrowing week emotionally exhausted.  Complaining to anyone who would hear, "I'm fried, I'm beat."  I wasn't sure I was really up for coming here.  I knew I 'd be surrounded by a bunch of yogi's getting their dose of hari krishna vibes and I wasn't entirely sure I was up for the woo woo chatter.  So if I wasn't in the mood for the hippie dippie new ageness... why come here?  Because I lead this choice with my heart rather than my mind, and my heart knew I needed a moment of retreat and renewal.  To concede, I needed a good helping of what these people have... a little bit of crazy, and a bunch of answers to life's big questions.

The highlight of the weekend thus far, is the amount of quality time I'm having with older women.  While I'm feeling immensely let down in my relationship with my mother... the universe has decided that I needed a bunch of wacky old ladies to share their wisdom, guidance, love and stories about their journey.  While I've tried to keep to myself, the universe has made it a point to put this fabulous woman in my path.  In my dorm room, I share dwelling with a woman who has experience great love and the loss of her great life love.  At lunch I sat alone, thinking I would dine in silence, instead I was joined by a woman who insisted on sharing her journey of 40 years on the path.  A lady sat with me and shared her vision of love for me, that she saw my struggle and advised me how to open my heart to possibility.  On my way to yoga class in the afternoon, I met another woman who spoke honestly about her relationship with her daughter and gave me a rendition of her greatest lessons.  At dinner I met a woman who is a spiritual therapist who shared her story of loss and renewal after Hurricane Irene.  While writing this blog, two different women came to talk to me about their journey.  All of these woman in their senior years have been imparting their wisdom, their openness, and their love upon me, some stranger.  It's like they were put in my path to give me what I need, the love of an elder.

I don't feel like I've been filling the expansive hole left by not having a parent, but more like I met the right teachers I needed to meet this weekend.  Lay women with life wisdom.  The work hasn't been in the classroom, or on the cushion or the mat... but in the company of women who felt compelled to share bits of their journey with me.

So a few lessons I got from them:

• Expectations will never serve you, when you let go of your preferences, you'll enjoy life more fully. 
• Meditation (quieting of the mind) is essential for mental and physical health.
• When you truly love yourself, you open your heart to possibility of being loved by others in all capacities.  
• Everything and everyone you meet has a lesson for you.  (one said everything happens for a reason but I don't totally prescribe to that philosophy.  however, I like translating this as there are lessons to be learned and connections to be made with every human being on this earth)
• You can always start again.  It's never too late to start over.
• The practice never ends, there are always new lessons to learn. 

I still have one more day here, to chillax and enjoy the delicious vibes of this place, and for that I am grateful.  The most important thing I need to take away from here is the value of taking good care of me, because when I do, I can feel like 'this'.  Rested, refreshed and capable of showing up for my life.   Honestly, it has been months (since my mom's stroke and maybe more) since I felt like I was showing up for myself.  I deserve to be accountable to myself, I deserve to be well cared for by ... myself.  

begin the begin

so I spent the day fully aware that I publicly declared that I'm taking the Real Happiness 28 day challenge... there were times throughout the day that I'd say to myself, "ok, I'm gonna sit for 10 minutes at 11am" and at two different points I pulled my chair back from my desk declaring, "ok, now I'm going to sit" only to get sucked back into my work vortex.

all day, I knew, I had to sit, come on, I got the book, I told all these people, I've been tweeting it and posting it... I had to sit.

after putting my son to bed, I put my cushion on the floor, turned off all the lights and ... I did it.  for the first time in months, I put my butt on my cushion, and sat.

it was so nice.  I gave myself permission to let go and just breathe... what a gift, to just be.

like Sharon Salzberg said, I can begin anytime.  this isn't remedial practice, it is the practice.  NOT PRACTICING WAS PART OF MY PRACTICE!!!  what an awakening, to discover that I can come back anytime.  well, to realize I never went anywhere.  I'm just in my life, and tonight, I gave myself permission to pause.

I can start again at anytime.  not just with meditation, with anything.  with things that are healthy and nurturing just as easily as with the decisions which are detrimental, that lead me to pain.

I deserve the dharma just as much as any other human on this planet.  this may be a mundane, yet adorable statement, but the truth is.... I felt abandoned, and undeserving of my spirituality.  and tonight, I turned a corner, well, I didn't do much, I just .... sat the frack down... and gave myself 30 minutes of being still and just being.

Day #1.  I sat.

depriving myself of the deprivation

it is interesting... to look at how excess brought me... to a place of indulgence... that lead to a gluttonous downward spiral.  if you've read any of my posts, you're well aware of some of my darkness.

so... over the past few years, I chipped away at the indulgence, which was really a barrier between me and my truth.  I stopped getting high.  I stopped drinking.  I stopped intentionally self-destructing.  I stopped dating.  I quelled my craving.  I practiced letting go.  I practiced cutting the cord between me and my cravings and wanting.  clearing the decks of the things that seemed toxic, I made way to have a really intimate relationship.

that person I got close to, is myself.  I found a raw child, with her development frozen in time by self-numbing and hiding from her own reality.

in this process ... delusion dissolved, not all of it, but a fair amount.  under the layers of silt, I found myself.  removing these things felt like deprivation, but once I let go of wanting... freedom emerged.

I suppose, I've done what monks do.  as a laywoman practitioner, I'll never really be able to experience extended retreats, or take residence in a monastery.  instead, I found a little place far away, cleared out the toxins and people and removed myself as much as I could from society as I know it, so that I could mend what was left of me.

I'm grateful for the years in the lil cabin.  the practice I've taken on thus far.  despite the fact that I have fallen off my self-care track, I know that I'm still caring for myself in ways I never did just a few years ago.

tomorrow, I embark on a 28 day commitment to sit, practice and discover Real Happiness with an electronic sangha.  I've cleared the way, prepared my room, washed the dishes, straightened up.  tomorrow, I have the opportunity to start the day any way I want.  tomorrow, I will wake up and choose joy.  the best part is, my four years of dharma study and practice have taught me that I know how.  it is something I can do.  I will do.  I'm doing it.

not sure what the next 28 days will bring, but I know that I am ready to end my deprivation practice.  not that I need to be gluttonous, but I'm enjoying my dance back to a more normal way of life.  if I'm being cryptic, I guess here's the part where I confess, I broke my sobriety.  I've been very quiet about it, mainly because I don't want to draw attention to it.  it's not a big deal.  well, I suppose it is, but it's really not.  nothing changed when I drank that first sip of sake at the noodle bar.  no one died.  nothing tragic happened.  no fireworks went off, or alarms.  it was a lovely moment between two friends, sharing dinner.  it was... well.. um, normal.

all this deprivation, has separated me from 'life' in a different way.  I swung from one end of the spectrum to the other.  deprivation was not  the middle way, well, at least, it doesn't feel like it for me.

I don't know what is next... but I am ready to break the seals of things I've held myself back from.  I'm done separating myself from society.   of course, I know that I love myself enough to not want to injure myself, or do anything that could jeopardize how far I've come.  but if Real Happiness is the quest, the end goal, then my next chapter is to step back into LIFE, busy active real life filled with all kinds of fulfilling experiences.

I'll document my 28 day journey..... stay tuned.