Ok Popi, I'm gonna write it out. I'm going to find the words to scribe to express my truest me and expel this unbearable heart break from the inner fibers of my soul. I do not think I'll ever understand how I ended up in this spot alone on this earth. where does that understanding really come from?
what's missing for me is closure, comprehension and the sight to truly see all the moving parts of what I'm standing on now. standing in? standing near? engulfed by?
it is hard to breathe for large parts of the day. just sitting and breathing takes effort, I typically take such simple things for granted.
where did I go wrong?
everything I was afraid of came to fruition. is it self-manifested destiny or foresight?
I'm powerless. my life has become unmanageable. step one.
in an effort to get back to the joyful, peaceful, self loving and empowered person I was ... I have to go back to step one.
as my heart seizes, and I try to avoid becoming another pile of blubbering tears I say, "I'm powerless over... my life is unmanageable because of... "
today, I accept it is like this and like this is does suck. it sucks being mistreated and misunderstood. it sucks being turned into a joke, or morphed into someone I'm not. I've been reinterpreted into a crazy monster, an uncaring bitch, a clingy fool and a terrible person.
but... I'm, I am, I....
I am powerless. I accept. life is unmanageable if I keep fighting for what isn't.
why does he act with the intention to hurt me? did I really hurt him? is he hurt by the fact that I wanted forever? is he angry I felt I deserved something he promised me over and over? does he feel inadequate despite the millions of times I told him he's awesome and adored unconditionally?
there is no answer. there won't be. I don't get to have closure or understanding. these choices have all been made for me. no matter how hard I endeavor to fix and change and grow, I do these things alone. boxed in a corner, too hideous to look upon. a blubbering mess that once smiled incessantly. sparkles traded in for washed up aged wrinkles and funny old people hairs in new places.
I've been told many times that it is none of my business what other people think of me. it doesn't matter, I shouldn't take other people's actions personally. there is one problem. this is the most personal of thoughts, they are embedded on experiences that include me exclusively. my self worth has been ripped from me. they laugh, they taunt, they make memes and joke at my expense. they pat him on the back for kicking me when I'm down, and they tell him he's right for escaping the clutches of the horrible person he has made me out to be. I look in the mirror, and I do not see what he sees at all. he fashions me to be something dark and terrible. an unlovable hideous monster unworthy of anyone's love.
does any of that matter?
but, I am not crazy? my feelings are valid. I know they are valid. I've been told my feelings matter somewhere, was it a book? a story? I am right to have an opinion. I am allowed to have a point of view. why does he always adamantly blame me? why does he get to be cruel, time, and time again? I am not cruel. I am skillful, honest and compassionate.
wait. breathe. pause.
I am powerless over....
My life is unmanageable because of....
it is painful to confess, but thoughts of wanting to disappear and become nothing swallowed me whole over and over as he ran away and chickened out on a life that was near perfectly wonderful. and now he has fallen in love with someone else. two weeks after he kissed me and said I make the world a better place, two weeks after he held me and told me he appreciates me and loves me... he manages to find someone else. days after he sends me love letters and professes he still loves me. he loves someone else. there's a new girlfriend now. she's better than me he says.
everything I am, everything I gave, every part of me I put into this affair becomes invalidated on one swift communication letting me know that I single handedly ruined a date with a stranger I knew nothing about.
he has a new girlfriend. I found out in an angry email. he's mad I want to see him and spend time with him. he is uncomfortable that I still love him and openly share my heart with him. me, the bane of everything bad. me the catalyst of his pain. me, the unfortunate mistake he's done making.
he has fallen out of love with me in a few days and in love with someone new. someone better than me because she doesn't call him and bother him, he says. he has determined this new person is better than me because in two weeks he's learned everything he needs to know about this new lover to identify how wonderful and perfect she is. he calls her his new girlfriend. he's rather spend time with his new girlfriend. he looks forward to making an effort to spend a whole weekend with his new girlfriend.
was he even done with the one he had?
I am disposable. I am nothing. a filthy wet snot rag, untouchable and undesirable. he could take it or leave it if I call. he doesn't care. he's fine if we don't see each other ever again. he doesn't miss me. there's nothing to miss, he says. I am a thought that evaporates into the ether and becomes silence. a tear rolling down a cheek in the rain disappearing with the rest of the H2O gathering into puddles and pools of wetness at our feet. inconsequential. a nuisance when heard.
there are things to be grateful for. I can pick up the pieces. I can start life over. I can have a day one, a day two, a day three a life after all of this.
I am powerless over.... my life is unmanageable because of ....
it is not my fault I have scars, bumps and bruises. my intentions were forever and always for love.
I love fully, openly and without abandon. I fall deeply, care unconditionally and effort to be kind, graceful, compassionate and honest. each day, I gave all I had. I committed to the process and offered all of me.
everything I was afraid of from the day we met came true.
I've been abandoned when I was most vulnerable. I believed there were two people here. there is only one, me, alone.
now, I need to love me the way I loved him. I need to care for me the way I was concerned for his well being. today, I promise to treat myself as I treat everyone but me. I gotta fall back in love with me. it's the only way I'll ever break through and out of this broken place.
right now, I need to just accept that it is like this. it sucks. he loves someone new. accept it dumb ass. he is done with me, I'm a wretch, unlovable and no, that's not what I say...
I have to care for me as though I am my own best friend. someone can find me lovable, I can love me first. so much easier to spew through written word than to believe in my heart.
today was day two. almost there... I can do this right?