yesterday, I embarked on a bit of woo woo healing action, and worked with my friend Michelle, an energy healer, to dig deep into some stuff that's coming up for me. in my latest bout of self exploration, I've come to the realization that I have developed an intimate relationship with my anger. it's not something new, it's a hindrance that has walked along side me for most of my life.
as a little girl, there's a moment indelible in my mind, I'm with my father. in this moment I'm complaining, gossiping and judging, and he turns to me, and says, "when did you become so negative?"
that is a very good question. you see, I was not born negative. my true nature is not to be negative or down. in my heart, I am light, optimistic and filled with love. so how did I end up becoming so negative. when did I birth this inner wounded one who throws tantrums deep inside me, trying to get noticed and heard by others?
in my session yesterday, we danced backwards in time where I recreated all the incidents where scars occurred. whether I was at fault or someone else, that was irrelevant, it was the reliving of these moments in a chronological memory tapestry that illuminated some things for me. it really doesn't matter who did what, it was the scarring that carved out a road map to the wounded one who lives within me.
I was given the option to correct my past experiences or be different or just get out a hose and blast them out. guess which option I went for? yes, the Hose! I picked that thing up and aggressively doused out these moments. there's no way to change our past, so why pretend I could possibly design a new trajectory to get me to this very place where I stand now?
here's what I have to takeaway ... I am afraid of letting go of my pain, fear and anger. if I truly choose happiness in its purest sense, it would mean letting go of these cultivated hindrances in my life. the problem is, I have this codependent relationship to my anger, my pain and the armor I've built up around myself to deflect the possibility of being hurt more. the pain I carry continues to hurt me, but it keeps me from letting in more.
hanging onto all this negativity has another side effect. it it keeping me from letting in the good stuff, the love that is all around me. my boyfriend tells me he loves me, and I question it constantly. how can that be? how can he love me when I am so incredibly unlovable? there's more to me than the wounded one inside. he sees my light. he loves my capacity for unconditional love. he sees my magic.
as I dig deeper into this self reflection, the thing I love most about myself is my capacity to love others, to see the good things in them and lift those things up. to acknowledge others and raise them up, to hold them in high regard and gift them love without anticipating this in return. I do this for people all over my life, strangers I meet for the first time, friends I make, the man I love and of course ... MY CHILD!
my boyfriend has often told me that one of the reasons he is so enamored of me is that I make a mark or leave an impression on everyone I meet. I really see it, he is right. my love, laughter and levity is such a gift. it encompasses so much of who I am, and it is what I lead with in most of my daily life.
this giant weight of pain has been lifted, I let it go.
someone said the other day, it is far easier to let love into a broken heart because there are all those cracks to let light in. if this is true, then my broken heart is capable of taking in a lot of love. at Kol Nidre services tonight, the rabbi asked us to let go of the 'husks' that we think 'protect us' and make room to let love in. how timely that tonight's sermon was so closely related to the transformative lessons I've had in the past few days.
this new lightness comes with boundaries. I've let three very 'important' people go from my life this week. deleted. blocked. 'dead' to me by being removed from my citta (heart mind) and let go of (for my own good). they have their own path, and mine wasn't designed to care take their toxic misery and illness and lead to authentic happiness at the same time. there is not a way to have both or do both, so I surrender. there's no chance in pleasing the people who have destroyed me, and trying to get their approval is killing my light and my beautiful soul.
I think, like the fear around questioning what life would be like without fear, holds the same kind of aversion to wondering if I can manage going on without having these 'constants' in my life. it's ok, I'm making myself ready to be ok with just not knowing for the sake of my joy.
the intention here is to make room for love to come to me, to come in and fill me. I have a beautiful child, a wonderful boyfriend, fabulous friends, a robust career life and I have ME. there is much to be grateful for, and I realize it's ok that it doesn't look like how society says it should and it's ok if it's imperfect. I have loads of love, and doesn't that defy perfection and expectations? I mean, love is what we want to attain and look how much I have. It's abundant! It's amazing. It is mine, and I am worthy and deserving of it.
so, I stop trying to plug up the cracks in my heart. instead, I am celebrating all those cracked bits, the places that are letting the light and love in. I am open, I am vulnerable, practicing compassion, slowing down and my commitment for 5775 is to make room for all the love and let it in.