isolation

for those who know this term
this is what I'm doing
retreating from my support network
pulling away from the people who love me
or think they love me

why do they love me?

i'm a broken mess.

i'm not capable of love, or worthy to be loved, or to know love....

so I retreat, alone is safe, curled up, medicating on the things I allow myself to ingest for comfort

unsure.

alone.

alone is easy, alone I answer to no one, no obligation, no expectations, I just am.

for a moment, I relished in my coasting through the motions, but depression and sadness envelop me slowly, like a blanket of darkness creeping up on the earth
just as the sun is pulling away

don't feel sorry for me
do not think it is me taking anything out on you...

by separating myself, I justify everything

i'm alone
i am aloner than ever before

i'm drained, cannot give another moment of support... when I'm not getting what I need in return

am I counting? taking score?

probably...

so I run. deep back into the hole. like a scared groundhog at the end of winter.

isolation.

this too shall pass

i am in pain
i am angry
i am heartbroken....

this too shall pass...

i am calm
i am serene
i am clear...

this too shall pass...

no matter what state of head I'm in, it's just a state of mind, it is impermanent...

this too shall pass...

instead of squashing, eliminating, or trying to mask the emotion, I'm in it. wading in a pool of feelings, the emotions ebb and flow.

each time, another wave hits me, topples me over, knocks me back, drowns me, goes over my head, I hold my breath swimming closer to shore...

and sure enough...

I'm there. Standing at the edge of it. Breathing. Clear, alive.

I have survived another storm. I have made it through another day.

this too......shall....pass.....

i deserve

♥ I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY
♥ I DESERVE TO HAVE A STRONG SPIRITUAL CONNECTION TO MY HIGHER POWER
♥ I DESERVE TO HAVE THIS GREAT JOB AND GET A RAISE
♥ I DESERVE TO FEEL WEALTH OF MANY KINDS
♥ I DESERVE TO SHARE MY LIFE WITH A COMPANION AND PARTNER WHO IS MY EQUAL
♥ I DESERVE TO BE SURROUNDED BY SUPPORTIVE, INTERESTING, SMART & CREATIVE FRIENDS
♥ I DESERVE TO HAVE FINANCIAL SECURITY
♥ I DESERVE TO DRIVE A RELIABLE FAST CAR
♥ I DESERVE TO BUY A HOME
♥ I DESERVE TO HAVE A FULFILLING LOVE LIFE WITH GREAT SEX, A HEART CONNECTION AND INTIMACY
♥ I DESERVE TO BE LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY
♥ I DESERVE TO LIVE WELL

the one that got away, part deux

Two boys of my past .... came back into my life today.

Within a couple of strokes of the keyboard, I was sent not one, but two notifications of long lost loves... there they were, one after the other.... looking at me... awaiting a response.

When mercury is retrograde, it isn't so uncanny to have people of our past history resurface. We spin backwards when the planets whack out and strange occurences are so very likely.

So, not one, but two loves of my past came back to me for a moment today. Side by side in my inbox, there they were connecting with me electronically.

They are from the past, and that time is long gone. A world far away, a lifetime backwards. It doesn't matter that one has become a hard core buddhist and has a parallel path to mine, striking my spiritual core. Or that he is in service, and gives of himself. Or all the things he told me that would pluck my interest right back.

It is too late to hear that the other remains faithfully curious about what our lives would be like if he hadn't broken up with me under and umbrella in the rain in Lincoln Center so long ago. Our paths intertwined over the years, there is not a doubt, we had our many chances. They have passed, he made choices and put a different life over a life with me.

Paths have altered. Our lives are changed. We are evolved. I am very different. The woman they knew then was just a girl, insecure, confused and unsure of what she wants. That person isn't me anymore.

I see my wants and needs clearly. There is no point in moving backwards in time to discover a what if. It is all in the past.

It freaked me out, looking at my inbox today, two messages with photos and all that information, side by side. These two men who played on my heart strings so long ago knew me as a young girl. Today, you would think they would hardly recognize me.

The truth is, I know I haven't changed a bit. That I am still that little girl inside my skin, aching to be able to voice my individuality and define me clearly. I am not any different really. I am that adorable little shy girl, sitting on the beach chair, conscious of my words, afraid to come out and just be myself and be totally honest. I feel the last times I saw each of them, and realize that I haven't changed much. I'm still plagued with self-centered fears and worry about what to say, for it must come out just so.

The ones that got away. There are a few of them out there, roaming this planet. Not too many, but a few. Each, had an impact for a moment. And still, there are pinholes in my heart, not quite healed from the heart break each of them caused me so long ago.

They were stepping stones... leading me to a place... there's no going back. I trudge onward on this journey. And one day, when I am truly ready to stand up for Elissa Jane, then and only then will I be free of the shackles of my past heart breaks.

I'm getting a little closer, I see the path ahead. And the ones that got away, they may be sending me emails today, but they are way way back there in the back of the journey where they belong.

"the one" is just a little ways ahead...

cleansing my Karma

Below, please find "i guess we can be friends afterall" an old blog post from my chillEmpress page. This is an oldie but a goody... it marks the beginning of the "I'm Cleansing My Karma..."era.

What made me pull it out of the archive?

For the past few weeks, I've retold and retold the story of how I came up with the "I'm Cleansing My Karma" mantra a good ten times or more to friends in pain with ex-spouses, family, friends or lovers.

It is often said that passing the message on, with the intent to help others can only further perpetuation good karma. I suppose, this is what I'm doing.

As I move forward in my enlightenment practice, I see the milestones in my spiritual journey that have lead me to this place.

Yesterday, on the longest walk I've ever taken, I shared the story of the crazy shit storm that lead to my deep demise and darkest emotional pains, and how I pulled out of it with this very simple mantra, "I am cleansing my Karma."

And why am I so focused on this? Because in my life cycle, I'm rediscovering how not taking good care of my choices effects my place on this planet. Far removed from a life I was comfortable with, I am hitting a Reset Button, and doing it all over again.

Hopefully, doing a much better job this time by making the right next choice.

It has taken me years to perfect this mantra, and according to this very old blog post, I began putting it into practice before I put words on it.

The "I'm cleansing my karma" mantra is a practice in not only cleaning up my part, but also peering down into my intentions. Each and every choice I make has an intention, if mine are honorable, I wipe my slate a little more clean.

When I first discovered the karma cleansing mantra, my insecurities held me back from seeing just how my actions do effect each and every living thing on this planet. We are all connected. We are all united by a single energy that flows in and out of all of us. As I began to put the mantra into practice, things in my life truly did change.

I also encourage you to adopt it and try it. Here's how it works... the next time you're about to get angry, get in a fight, react to the same old argument... STOP. Take a deep breath, close your eyes and say, "I'm cleansing my Karma." Say it a hundred times if you have to... it doesn't matter what the other person is saying or doing. As long as you are being right, honorable, and do not feed into the drama... you are doing the right thing. Enjoy sitting back, in a state of calm... and separating yourself from the harmful place.

It doesn't matter what other people say or do. It doesn't matter, it's not important. As long as you are doing the right thing, and not fighting back, you too will find peace.

Kick back, relax, and say it again, "I'm cleansing my Karma." You'll be amazed, it really works.

So..... enjoy the old post... I'd like to compile all my blog entries in one spot... might actually have to make this happen off of MySpace.

Ohm.
==========================================================
i guess we can be friends afterall (from chillEmpress page 12/4/06)

So I had the opportunity to spend the weekend with Lester Ballard. I invited him up to spend the weekend with the Z-man, and to get some things from the house he might want.

To my surprise, we ended up having a nice weekend together. He cooked dinner, fried up the frozen pierogis from the freezer, but heck, did it by himself. We had a beer. I helped him make a MySpace profile. We hung out. It was cool?

We had family time.

Lester and I got along.

You know what?

There's a reason I fell in love with Lester in the first place. Sure, we aren't meant for each other and we're not in love anymore. But I really like Lester as a person. Why not be friends?

Just think how much easier life will be, can be, should be…if we remain faithfully friends and nothing more. When we hang out as the dysfunctional family that we are, we could be amicable and have fun.

Maybe there's a reason I married Lester Ballard in the first place. I must have liked him a little. Sure, I liked him a lot. Before we had the kid, before we got into marriage mode, we had fun. We did have a laugh or two. There was a time we liked each other, right?

So, I'm friends with Lester Ballard. NO, I do not want him back, I do not want to be with him romantically anymore. But hey, it's nice to know that our little family is still in tact, different, dysfunctional, in separate places.

We've grown apart. Just like many friends do. I chose a path away from the life we had. He just didn't want to take this journey with me.

We may have different wishes, wants, ideals, upbringing, but we do have some of the same tastes in thing, likes and enjoy some of the same things. Guess we can hang out and still be friends.

You know, last week, I was looking at some old photos, and I came across this one –

I got a little sentimental, but you know what…we'll have more memories like this, as a family. Even if we can't be together together, I'm glad that we can be and remain respectful friends who do care about each other.

It makes me happy to know that Lester has moved on and that he is happy. I know the girl is with now is very lucky. I am also aware that I am definitely not the girl that is meant to be with Lester, and he is not really "the one" for me. He was close, so very close, but there are things I need that he could never provide me.

I made some choices this summer that were hasty, and I know the motivation was to help me springboard out of our marriage. While it worked, it hurt him, and for that I'm sorry.

All I know is, Lester's phone message last night spoke volumes. He is right, he said that he loves me and Z, and that we will always be a family. Nothing can break that up, not even our being separated.

When Dub Man broke up with me, he actually said something that made me feel better, you told me I deserved better, and I was surprised and appreciated that he cared enough about my feelings to support me instead of gloat that I had been dumped.

So Lester, I say thanks for being there for me, and for us.

I'm glad we are working on our friendship now. It's the best gift he can give me after all we've been through.

Looking forward to Christmas as a family.

I love you Lester, as a good good friend, and hope that you continue to find the peace, love and happiness out there you deserve. You are welcome at our house anytime.

smoke out...

....still NOT smoking.....day 7

this is the hardest thing I've ever tried to quit from my system....not the first time I make the attempt to quit smoking...

but this is the first time I'm doing it with a sober head and heart....

....to truly reach enlightenment... I must get all the toxins out.....

the purge fest continues.....

I am consciously ridding myself of the things that are bad for me.... the drugs, the narcotics, the toxins....

by clearing the pathways I can open a channel so enlightenment can tune in...

inner peace, peace of mind, one less addiction...

smoke out.....

sometimes things are just beyond control....

I forgot.
I've never done any of this sober before.
I've never tried this, tried that, quit this, done that.

It's all different, when you're sober.

When I am being sober, I am being something new.

It's ok ... I don't know what I'm doing. I just know, I'm doing it different.

But it's different.

I think I've got a handle on it.

Then I grow.

And I'm growing.

Growing hurts.

I've got growing pains, and they ache all over, they are clawing at my nerves, my heart, my thoughts....

The growing pains are clawing at me from my inside out, ripping at my guts, pressing out through my flesh.

And life keeps happening, and happening, happening... no breaks. No making things stop.

I can't control it. I have to ride the plan. Even if it doesn't make sense. It's killing my heart, which feels more broken than ever.

I'm far far far away from the party friends... I don't know them anymore. I don't know who I am, because it is all new.

These things that ache, these things that don't make sense, they are impermanent. Life is filled with impermanence.

The only thing I can sit on is the present. The only tangible thing I can grasp is now.

Everything else, is irrelevant.

Tomorrow, is another day. And when tomorrow comes, today will then become irrelevant.

If I could just stop thinking... I'd see, everything is ok.

=========================================================
Everything is OK by Halou (my fave band du jour) -

Break it all down into simplest terms.
There, was that so bad?
Now, is that so bad?
You doubt yourself so much you don't even
Know what you really want, or how you really feel.

And I'm so tired
Of you constantly over-thinking.
I know why, because everything's going OK.
Just your style, to break it all into pieces,
I know why, because everything's going OK.

Disregard your inner monologue
Don't try to drown it out, 'cause it'll only wear you out.
Sometimes things are just beyond control
That has to be OK, you don't have a choice

And I'm so tired
Of you constantly over-thinking.
I know why, because everything's going OK.
Just your style, to break it all into pieces,
Just one time, I've had just about all I can take

Everything is unacceptable
If you overanalyze,
And that is just your style.

little green men.....

little green men.....there they are, outside the window, around the corner, in the shadows, under my fingernails, behind the door, under the bed, behind the chair, in my mouth, under that hat, in the bathroom, in the TV, on the ceiling, under the floorboards......

get out

end this

stop

insane

icky

go away

this paranoia hasn't haunted me in over 10 years

end now

stop

simply put.....

GIVE ME MY CLEAR SOBER HEAD BACK NOW!!!!

i never thought I'd feel like this ever again

Mrs. Dad

oh, how easy it is.. to let the mind wander into a cavern of brain fucks.

I let my brain slip the past few days, into a spiral of nonsense and sadness... that I guess I interpreted as something I just had to "feel".

It all began on Monday. First of all, I hate Mondays. Yeah, I know you do too.

On Mondays, I look over the refrigerator to see what the week has in store. I suppose every mom has a system. Mine is, when it comes home from school with some sort of date on it…. I stick it on the fridge. This way, I always know where all those notes, more notes, and notes are about what I'm supposed to remember. If it doesn't get to the fridge, I'm lose the piece of paper and totally forget.

So it's Monday morning, and that canary yellow flyer is glaring at me… Cub Scouts Sign Up and Meeting on Wednesday. Sounds harmless enough now in hindsight. But on that Monday morning, that Cub Sounts flyer was glaring at me… and I allowed the ideas of what I thought this event would be like invade my mind with thoughts of anxiety and fear.

Who the heck could be afraid of such things?

I have this internal inner psycho, who feeds on my self-esteem. She took over, and reminded me that being a single mom has a stigma. That as a single mom, I will feel different and left out. I began to allow stress ad fear build up in my mind from Monday Morning onward. In my head, I pictured this Dad Zone, where I would be uncomfortable. My fear of loneliness and insecurities began to come to the surface.

I turned this event (in my mind) into this guy's thing, and that I would be the only mommy there, and it would be incredibly hard for me. I pictured it would be all the husbands of the PTA Mommies – insert the noise Lurch from the Adam's Family groans here…. uuuuuuhhhhhhhhgggggg…..

… and I saw me all alone having to play Mrs. Dad.

I wasted countless minutes and hours letting the ideas of what this upcoming event would be like. And, it began to take over other things in my head too. I began to feel sorry for myself, harp on the woes of my loneliness, feed my cravings for obsession, fear, doubt and insecurity that normally don't factor into my daily life.

In my reality, I allowed this anxiety to turn me into a depressed horrible mess….. and I beat myself to a pulp. Yes, once again, I only hurt myself…. and I prepared myself to have an experience that I hadn't even had yet.

Now that is one big Mind-Fuck!

It was on my way home from work on Wednesday, my stomach in knots, sending "SOS" texts about how upset I was that I was going to be the only mom, that I was going to have to play Mrs. Dad and on and on…. Reaching out to friends, thinking that I am going to cave and fall down into the abyss where there's no turning back.

What brought me out of this chaotic spiral? A simple text message that read….. "So, go put on your Carhartt's and be Mrs. Dad" (thank you Kelly)

I laughed so hard … I realized what a spaz I was being.

So, I prayed. And as asking to have all this pain, anxiety and fear cleared from my mind, and then I hear…."Get Present!"

Oh yeah, it's the present tense.

In this moment, I remember what I'm grateful for, and there's much to be grateful for....my son, my friends, my financial security, my sobriety, my car is up and running, my support network and my innate ability to laugh at the dumbest jokes.

Oh, I was stressed, freaked out, allowing my thoughts to tailspin out of control into a very dark place...

The replies poured in… a funny joke, a vote of confidence, praise for my parenting skills and an anecdote. I'm far from alone. I have a tremendous support network of people who love me, and wouldn't let me flounder out there all by myself … the insane crazy person I am.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." - Buddha

I cannot change some circumstances, but I can change my attitude towards them.

A loving neighbor, a funny friend, a not-so-bad ex-husband, a great joke, and a reminder to laugh at my past.... shook me right out of it.

I opted against going all butch and putting on my Carhartts….

But I chose not to get all prettied up either....I threw on jeans and a tee shirt, grabbed the Zman and took him to the Cub Scouts thing.

It wasn't so bad, in fact, it was sorta fun, and nice and easy and something we can do together. I was far from the only mom. Our Pack Mothers are the coolest moms in school. I got to see a few friends, it was actually a lot of fun.

So the punch line…. I'm our 1st Grade Troupe Den Mother! Yeah, go figure.

I placed all these expectations on this hour of my life to come, and I allowed my fear to consume me. At what price? My sanity? My happiness?

I learned a great lesson this week about expectations, fear and insecurity. None of them are permanent and they cause such suffering, there is no need to do that to my head ever again.

do the right thing

Do the right thing

make the right choice

I've spent so much of my life playing the hustler. Am I am punishing myself for the hustling I've done…

I've spent so much of my life torturing myself for my past.

Do the right thing.

The past couple of days, I've been really thinking about choices I make, mundane to huge. Each choice I make, is there integrity in it? Am I being totally honest? I'm I making the right choice.

Today, I realize, there's a lot of work I need to do about making the right choices.

It is counter intuitive for me to be unabashedly honest. Not really sure I've been right with myself, or totally honest with me.

Do I stand in a place of integrity?

Fighting against myself, it's a lost cause.

Fighting against my past, it is useless.

So here I am, examining my choices, my life. Do I make the right decisions? Am I being the best person I can be and am I being unabashedly honest?

No.

I'm a fraud and a hustler, and have been for so long, that my internal battle is a pile of justifications for the way I want things to go.

I've got a lot of angst today. I'm disappointed that I can't honestly make different choices, well, I don't want to make different choices.

For I know, in my rational brain, if I do make different choices, I will get different results.

Well, there I go, lying again, because I am making different choices. I stand in a place of integrity. I'm questing for patience, tolerance and to stand on the side of Love.

Do the right thing.

Do the right thing.

I'm still trying to figure out what the heck the right thing is.

l’shanah tova 5769

So, once again, the Jewish New Year is upon us. Can you believe it's 5769, man how time flies.

As the sentimental sap I am, I can't help but reflect back on the years behind me. Going back in the mental time machine… I find myself at Rosh Hashanah 5759(1998)… that is the last time I spent the High Holy Days alone.

I have an indelible memory of that year. I recall sitting way up in the upper balcony of the synagogue, praying by myself. From that vantage point, I could see the entire congregation below. By sitting so far away, I confirmed myself the isolated outsider. I remember that morning vividly.

Wearing a crisp white button down shirt, grey pashmina shall, pin striped slacks, black heels and pearls, I pretended I belonged. In this uniform, I had hoped to be undetected as the former bad girl looking to be saved.

There in the balcony, high up above the crowd, in my own little spot, I sang along and prayed with the group from afar.

I hadn't felt a connection to my spirituality in a very long time.

During the service, my mind drifted off, and I reflected on the year behind me. It was the year I stopped slinging, hustling and quit using. It was the year I begged for god's forgiveness and prayed hard on how important it was for me to change.

Sitting there, separated from the pack, bright sunlight pouring into the windows, I clutched my prayer book and thought hard on wanting to evolve and become the best person I could be.

When services were over. I just stayed there and watched the people hug each other, kiss each other, and wish each other a happy new year. Observing the families, new parents with little babies, grandparents with their broods, I couldn't help but wonder, what the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I alone? When will I have what they have?

I let the people file out so I could have the synagogue to myself. And when they were all gone, I began to pray to my own tune.

"God, please forgive me for all I have done. Help me to be the best person I can be. Take away my pain, and keep me from ever doing blow again. God, don't let me be alone forever, god…..save me….I want to be the best person I can be, I want to change. I'm not slinging anymore, I don't want to punish myself any longer. I've dropped out. I'm good now. I wanna be good now. Save me."

Not sure how long I stayed there, reflecting on the year I had just survived, but I vowed hard to be different, to be good, and prayed that I wouldn't be alone anymore.

It was the first time in a very long time that I actually felt a connection to my HP.

Fast forward to 10 years later to today. It's the first year I'm spending Rosh Hashanah alone since then. I decided not to go to temple this year, but to pray on my own, reflect from the inside out and get right with me in my own spiritual way. Last night, I lit candles, and reflected on the year behind me.

Today, I am filled with gratitude for the gift my life has become.

At this moment, my prayers for the New Year are about compassion, love and wisdom. I've evolved. I am someone else. No more punishment, and I'm not really "alone".

Ten years ago, God was listening, but I didn't realize it.

Today, I don't need to sit with thousands of Jews making up for a year of being unattached, because I AM CONNECTED TO MY SPIRITUALITY with or without the organized religious experience. I meditate & pray every day, and I acknowledge and nurture my spiritual connection in my life.

So…in the spirit of the coming of 5769, I have made a few New Year's promises;
• Take care of ME.
• Expand my Buddhist practice and share with others.
• Quit Smoking (yup got the Chantix)

L'Shanah Tova. May 5769 bring peace to planet earth, offer you wealth of a different kind, health of all kinds and lots of Love to all people.

Amen.

i am so in love, madly so

so last night....as I snuggled up in bed... after a nice day of living... at 11ish… ready to drift off…

When, it happened, that sharp pain.. that grew...and grew... and grew...

shit!

(NOTE: I have kidney stones, old man disease, and yeah, the pain? it hurts WORSE than giving birth.)

Back to the plot.

I haven't had an attack in over a year or something, WTF! Shit. The Pain! Oh no.

The pain grew more and more excruciating. I knew I had to find some back up meds somewhere. I've always got an extra set of pills in the pocket of my handbag. But alas, I've been feeling pretty great and don't really have meds handy. Plus, I've recently moved and far from fully unpacked… I'm going to have to find all my handbags, and dig through all my side little pockets with the hopes of finding some old stash.

So my quest began as I tore through my house in search of relief. I'm fully fiending....

At this point, the pain is unbearable, and the only way to get through it is meds and breathing. Mind you, I have a really, really, really high tolerance to pain. So when I say, it hurts, trust me, it's BAD.

So the spiritual journey through my house begins, tearing this place apart looking for salvation in two little bright red pills in a small plastic sleeve. Beyond searching for a needle in a haystack.

I begin with the bathroom, pulling everything out of the cabinets, tearing through all my make up bags, and just about everything I've got in there. Mind you, I'm a girl, so I've got a lot of places to scour in the bathroom. All sorts of zippered bags with all sorts of girlie goodies.

I began to bargain with god out loud, "please, please, please, the pain is unbearable, I know you can't just take it, so please help me find relief, help me find the cure for this unbelievable pain," and in that moment….CRACK! the sounds of glass hitting the floor.

It's my blue glass pipe, the one that old boyfriend gave me, the one I couldn't give up, the one I couldn't lose, or throw away. The one I saved, just in case….shattered. I've dropped this thing Hundreds of times, never so much as a splinter. There it was, in pieces on the floor. I looked, amazed at the blue glass covered in black resin on one side … on my bathroom floor. I quickly cleared the pieces, chucked it in the garbage and snickered…"well, that's one sort of release from a different pain."

I begin to pray again, as I crawl into my bedroom. Now I've got to find every handbag I've ever owned. I'm dying, it hurts so bad.

Tearing through bags and boxes, I find all sorts of things, photos, clothes, books, love letters, dried flowers, you know, all the bits of crap I've packed away from the past couple of moves that need to be dealt with. But not necessarily at 1-whatever AM while I'm unable to stand up the pain is so bad.

Skipping ahead….

So, my very neat room is now piles of stuff everywhere, every handbag I've ever own strewn out, inspected, turned inside out… I'm a JAP, I have a lot of friggin' handbags…. No meds No relief.

More prayer. I can't go to the hospital, please not that, can't wake the baby, have to find a solution. "GOD HELP ME!"

I begin looking like a fiend in all sorts of places, praying searching, desk drawers, kitchen, and finally, I make it to a jewelry box my son made me in preschool covered in little shells. I pry the top off and look inside.

And at that moment….praying, deeply asking "god, please relieve me of my pain, please please take this horrible pain from me please god…show me something…anything…."

There was my wedding ring.

I sat, calmly looking into the box The frantic freak out halted. I pulled the ring out of the box and held it between my thumb and pointer finger. It was almost like I was looking at it for the first time.

It had been more than two years since I had laid eyes on my ring, I had hidden it from myself, forgotten about it.

It's a lovely white gold band, beautiful piece of jewelry, little diamonds all around it. Classic, a little funky, so very me.

I reached inside my heart, and discovered…. this inanimate piece of metal and diamonds no longer triggered any sort of emotion for me. Its just a piece of jewelry, sparkly, lovely… and mine. Wasting away in this jewelry box because I attached a meaning to it. And yeah, at one time, this piece of metal with diamonds around it had meaning.

As I continue my program and connection to a different place in my spirituality, my attachment to the material becomes less and less important. All I need is enough. This ring, is wasting away in the box. I am no longer attached to it's meaning of the past. Right now, in this moment, it's a beautiful ring, which fits me, suits me and belongs to me.

So as I took a moment to meditate, and take relief in the moment of calm, I thought about how much I love myself. How this pain, like my emotional pain, will pass, with or without drugs. I made a conscious choice to say, "Thank you god."

I put the ring on my right hand and declared - I am in LOVE with myself and I am married to ME. I am enough and all I need. Me and I will get through this and we'll be ok.

I'm a Gemini, I can have a me and an I. Go with it.

Then I went into the bathroom and popped 8 Advils with the hopes that would suffice until I got to CVS in the AM.

I awoke, and there was the ring on my right hand. I sealed the deal with myself. It was really an awesome feeling, to be so clear.

I got Z on the bus, got my ass to CVS and got my meds, phsew.

More importantly, I had this awesome honeymoon day with me.

All day, I looked down at my right hand and smirked. I'm so in love, madly so. I love this person I am, and dig the skin I'm in.

I'm awesome, and couldn't think of a better life partner … well… maybe that's pushing it.

I married myself last night, for better or worse.

I <3 Me

the Blog Challenge - Subject "Serenity" (from Mari)

Mari presents... the Blog challenge -

The blog challenge is one word:

Serenity

Take it from there.
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***NOTE: Ok, just to set the record straight, when I originally read Mari's challenge, I thought of one of my favorite TV shows, "Firefly", and was trying to see how I could parallel something from the show to my life in a comic way. I'm not going to do that, sorry folks***

Interesting choice of topic.
========================================================
Serenity

I just finished Acceptance was the Answer in the "Big Book" and there's a line at the end of the chapter I underlined which says;

"...my serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations. The higher my expectations of (my wife) and other people are, the lower is my serenity. I can watch my serenity level rise when I discard my expectations."

Lately, I've been observing my attachment to the expectations in my life from my past and present. In my lifetime, I've had grand plans, with great expectations of where my life would go. As I've grown up, I've grown cynical, and turned into some sort of scientific thinker who refuses to answer the question, "where do you see yourself in 5, 10, etc. years?"

I don't have a frickin' clue!

Not because I was enlightened, but because I've been disappointed... and because things never turned out like I had planned. And, because I was punishing myself as though these things were in my control.

Letting go, means eliminating expectations entirely. It's a daily practice. I remain present. I hang onto what is now. Just for today, serenity has been achieved.

Standing in the time line of my life now, I seek a state of acceptance. I pray to accept the things I cannot change on a daily basis. So let's see if this formula works....

I accept the things I cannot change.
In a state of acceptance, I dispel my expectations.
By eliminating expectations in my life, I achieve Serenity.

Simple enough...

and let....

I am holding my heart in my hands. It's a wet, warm, gushy organ that is also slimy, fragile, slippery and covered in bright red blood. My fingers are wrapped around it applying just enough pressure to maintain its position. In my hands, it's warm, pulsing and alive. If I grip too tightly, the pliable organ gushes out between my fingers and crimson blood spills to the ground. If I hold on too gently, it slides out from my hands.

So I cradle my heart. Oh, so carefully. I hang on to it applying just enough pressure to secure it safely between my palms and fingers. In this manner, I am in control.

In my life, I've learned to be a realist. I see things in the present tense for what they are. It is my intellectual brain that wants to take charge. Oh, I am very smart… painfully so. I see the world as it is and have experienced too much to let myself fantasize and dream the way other people do.

Growing up, reality was presented to me at an early age. Being a city girl, I never had a childhood. I grew up as a woman, not into a woman. There was no choice in the matter, if I were to survive, I'd need to be strong long before most people become actual adults.

I found my escape, in a token…. which took me downtown to a world where I was free.

In my early years, I grew close with the drug addicts and runaways….with them I could identify far more than with the kids who grew up as I did.

Reality and I have fought together. Whenever I had too much of it, I knew there was an escape. I've lost my mind thousands of times, all in an effort to run away from truth. Seeing the world for what it is isn't easy. It's painful to have to know that the world is a cruel harsh place and the people in it need to be kept at a reasonable distance from me.

I see things for what they are. And in this time, I clearly see with no escape.

I have fallen in love. I've fallen into unconditional love, where I'm committed without a shadow of a doubt…until a condition of reality stepped into our romantic space, switching my love off as easily as clicking the switch to a light. Flip. It's done.

I'm not impervious to heart break. I am not impervious to emotion. In fact, I'm acutely aware that I am hyper sensitive. Nonetheless, my realism separates me from other people, providing me a knowledge that protects me from suffering.

As a creative human being, it is easy for me to fantasize, and drift off into a place where things are different. But unfortunately, I can clearly distinguish between my fictional and non-fictional worlds.

The world has surprised me many times. The universe has had many plans for me over the years that took me far from what I expected. Expectations are merely pre-cursors to resentments. It is better to avoid having any such things, or get sucked into a vortex of depression, which would only lead me into an abyss of nothing.

Reality is really not knowing anything. Reality is only what is present. It is the thing right in front of me. So, I stand looking my reality head on. I'm looking right into the eyes of what is.

But what if? What if I made a different choice? What if I allowed my intellectual realism to take a back seat, and fully allow something else to take over? What if I opened my heart to possibility? I could just let go…and thus… end my control completely.

A few days ago, I had a spiritual awakening. I let in truth and light, I allowed myself to see my reality differently. I saw myself with an open available heart linked to a great light that is my HP. And in the moment that I truly let go, I felt a rush so hard. My body reacted as though I had taken a strong drug, but in this instance the drug was Love.

I could make a different choice, and allow Love to guide me through life. In the end, Love is the perfect solution to everything. Maybe it is that I think too much, and if I turned all that thinking off…. a different result would befall me.

So I stand, with my heart in my hands. Curious. Why do I need to hang on so carefully and methodically? I could let go. I could let go of my heart and know that there will be emotions to be felt. Some will be exhilarating, and others will cut deep. I am feeling my emotions for the first time really. In my sobriety, I am stepping across my known reality into a different place… and that is Clarity.

I could open my heart and set free my Love. Let it rock the core of my world and allow the possibility of unknown envelop me.

I deserve to Love and be Loved. I could allow myself to be open, and accept possibility and stop thinking about labels and definitions. My HP loves me unconditionally. This I can feel, even in my darkest pain, there is something greater than me that loves me.

As I handed my will and my life over to my HP….my heart must go with it.

I'm standing with my heart in my hands.

I let go….and let……

never forget

as I awake from a very uncomfortable night....
as I think of my petty problems and my heartbreaks and issues....
as I suffer in my concerns about the little bits of my life....
I awake...to a child crying....it's 5am...
he crawls into bed next to me, warm and whimpering....
he presses up against me for comfort... afraid of his bad dreams...
he sleeps, while I lay awake, wrestling down the thoughts in my mind...

then I look at my clock
I am reminded of what today's date is....

seven years ago....at this time... people were on their way to the airport, getting up for work, putting on a tie, working out at the gym, boarding planes...not knowing the fate that would befall them later that day.

seven years ago, we were in bed...snuggling and comfortable. we were filled with excitement about the future and the big choices we made for it just days hours before. the future had seemed so bright, our plans so adventurous and exciting.. plans that would never happen, a life we didn't have....

today, I remember... getting the call from my employee screaming that she refuses to go to work because a plane just hit one of the Twin Towers. I remember jumping out of bed, naked, just having been with my husband, switching from joy to something fearful and terrifying.

each year, the memory returns, of a day I often try to explain to people who weren't here.

we witnessed everything from our back windows of our apartment in Brooklyn. from the streets. from the little coffee shop around the corner of our house. plumes of toxic smoke crawling over our house....people coming over the bridge, covered in white and black dust, carrying their shoes, looking like Zombies, smoke plumes filling the air with death and destruction.

there was a girl sitting next to me, I held her as she repeated over and over in shock covered in soot...."Wait, where am I?"

the chaos, the filth, the mayhem, the displaced souls, death, uncertainty, war had come to lower manhattan, to my back door.

Yes, today is September 11th. We are supposed to go on with our lives today, act as though it doesn't effect us. Show "them" that they haven't paralyzed us.

today is the day I ask, did this Osama Bin Laden guy really do this? and if so, why the hell didn't they get him in his cave yet? what the fuck are we doing in Iraq? why aren't we finishing the job we had to do in Afghanistan? why hasn't someone impeached George Bush? why, why, why, why..... why....

if you believe in the unknown, they you will believe me when I tell you that my son... his soul is a reincarnation of one of the souls who died that day.

so as I pull him close, and thank god for the miracle he is.... I must always remember how he got here. he was not meant to go and come back so quickly. I am blessed he is mine. I am blessed he is here, but at who's expense?

people weren't meant to lose children, husbands, friends, family and loved ones that day.

seven years ago, I was brought to my knees at the corner of Pacific Street and Bond in Brooklyn, where I cried alone...I can still recount the feeling of pain as my body collapsed underneath me and my knees came in contact with the hard filthy pavement....where a homeless guy picked me up.... in tears and bleeding, hobbling down the street to get home...mentally and physically lost...

the world, as we knew it, as I knew it, my life, was forever altered that day...and no, I do not fully believe that this was God's Plan, not in the slightest.... yet, I have to believe...I don't know what to believe...

here I am... a million worlds away from that day... but.... I will never forget.

Never Forget.

no use cryin’ ova spilt boyz

As I peer down the long dark bottomless cavern that is my journey into my fourth step….I am to make a fearless inventory of the blemishes of my past, and in that list... a list of All of my past Lovers. Yes, fearless being the operative word here…it has become painfully clear that I will not be able to name them all. But there are the ones, who've penetrated beyond the surface of my heart, the one's that I fell over and deeply into. Some… participated in my life in short but memorable love trysts… some days, months… and the ones who absorbed years of my life and sucked the me out of me time and time again.

I think of the images of my life, my lovers, past present and what may be. I ponder upon the men of my past, all the men of my past.

"all my lovers were there with me, all my past and futures, and we all went sailing in a little rowboat, there was nothing to fear, nothing to hide…." – pyramid song by radiohead

Well, I've made a conscious decision… before I can make amends to anyone else, I must make peace with …. myself.

So today, I surrendered to my inner psycho, and made amends to Elissa Jane. In the moment I began my morning ritual of meditation and prayer… I turned my love inward, and made a choice….I forgive me, and put me first.

I Love Me. I forgive me. Today, I decided to stop torturing myself and beating myself up for the mistakes I've made and the choices I've followed. Everything I've done up to this point… has lead me here. To this moment sitting in my comfy chair, in my messy little cabin on the stream, in a state of serene… and for the first time in a long time, I feel a sense of relief and hope.

Most of this summer, aligned with my work towards pristine clarity…. I have beat myself up and punished me for mistakes that cannot be removed. I hear the words, "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it," day after day…. but did I really hear these words? Is it an extravagant request of myself? I think NOT.

So this morning, I decided to make a commitment to me, to stop beating myself up, to stop crying myself to sleep, thinking that my time alone is a punishment…. it isn't anything, it just is.

I've come to learn, through my current study that my sexuality is an energy, not good or bad…it is an energy that exists. It flows just like the little stream outside my house, as part of the order of things. My ability to feel passion and sexuality is merely natural, it is part of my state of being. How I channel this energy and share it with another person is a choice. I am allowing myself to feel this energy. In my practice, I must center myself and get present with my sexuality. Now, in this moment, I honor this energy, which is strong inside me. As I grow deeper into my practice, I will know instinctually and intellectually the right way to share this energy and have a mirror in front of me, a partner deserving the next time I choose to share this gift.

My scarred and beaten heart has taken its worst blows and hits from me over all other people. I can blame no longer, and it is ok to forgive myself for the actions I've taken in my heart's affairs.

When I am truly ready to embark again, it will be my whole person standing at the helm of the little row boat…captaining my journey with someone worthy.

And in the meantime, if I make a few more mistakes along the way, I will remind myself…

Every time I explore possibility, I get one step closer to Love.

So, I'm here to say, there's no use cryin' over spilt boys… the past is done. The present is here… and the future….well, the universe knows that answer… the only thing I can do is focus on is being in love with ME.

if you really loved me....

you would make me this....

CLICK HERE

the force is strong with me...baby!

oh, where or where has my nerd boyfriend gone... oh where, oh where can he be????

cicadas

last week, I heard the first songs of the cicadas of this summer

ah, the bittersweet sound of the cicadas' song

it marks the lull and warm days of summer and to me… reminds me that August is immanent, and that the summer is almost over

the lulling chirping sounds drive the fireflies away

in summer's past, I can remember making love to the sounds of the cicadas nearby

this summer, the sounds of the cicadas are bittersweet

I wonder if I've fully taken advantage of this hot sticky season, swam enough, sun bathed enough, enjoyed the outside enough… sadly, I've spent more time hiding from the joys of summer than I have taken it in

consumed by drama and stress, single life, moving, accidents, mistakes, heart break and disappointment… I have forgotten to enjoy fully, be present, and take in the great experience only summer can offer

the chirping lull of the cicadas

memories of juicy peaches, caresses on beaches, salt water covered skin, lazy days in the sun, cold glasses of iced tea laced with honey and mint, his fingers running across my lips, outdoor concerts filled with pot smoke in the air, hiking up that mountain, chillin' on the porch holding hands, bursting blueberries, freshly painted toes wiggling in the sand

the cicadas call, they remind me there's still time to enjoy these things, it's not over, but the clock is ticking on summer

I have much to be grateful for, dancing with friends, trips to Coney Island, kissing him on the beach, front row for Franti & Spearhead, celebrating my birthday and my 90 days on the same day, celebrating my son's birthday, summer solstice BBQ at Mary's, fresh raspberries, new job, opening my heart for a moment to taste a heart connection, holding baby Izzy, my clarity and serenity, midnight swims, forging friendships and finding fellowship with my girls, lots of fireworks, got more ink, finding our new house, playing golf, watching my son swim for the first time, catching up with old friends, pool parties, bbqs, meeting Liz Baily, discovering that I can incorporate Buddhism into my program and jeesh, summer ain't over yet….

cicada's just reminding me…there isn't much time left, so I better take advantage now… just one more month to go..

what I want to do before the summer's end…ride on the back of a fast motorcycle with a fun companion, eat more summer fruit, lay on the beach until I turn dark brown, throw a bbq of my own, bike ride with my son around the reservoir, hit the outdoor skate parks, APW with Radiohead, take Z to Zume Flume, go to Coney Island again, meditate at the monastery, and kick it on my new porch at my new house, finish step four, read another book, make a thing of ice cream, go hiking and have a little more fun...summer sunny...toasty... sexy... FUN...

waiting....

No one could have explained this new life to me before... they just wouldn't have made any sense. I wouldn't have believed that a life of clarity would be this way.

Up until the night of the very end, I never pictured myself clean. I couldn't look forward at a life that didn't include getting high and drinking.

A friend said to me over the weekend, that sobriety is the greatest weirdest trip he's been on...more than all the drugs and drinking we've done...it is sobriety that is the trippiest trip of them all.

You know, he's right.

I understand what he is saying. I am still green, this is still so new. It is some sort of trip, and adventure with freak outs, joy, connectedness, realization, and an understanding that I have a choice.

I'm making different choices, but now... as I morph my way of life into something else, I feel as though I'm in a bit of a holding pattern.

I am now Waiting for the universe to unfold it's plan for me in front of me. This is counter-intuitive of what I understand, of what I know.

Taking suggestions, I pray, I meditate, I pray some more... and wait to see if my quiet speaking brings me the things I ask for. As a spiritual person, I know to pray for things in a white magic way. I ask for the universe to make decisions, and never worry about the material... just the peace and the love to fill the potholes and cracks in my soul and my heart.

If you ask me, was the old way working for me? My answer would have to be no. My life was unmanageable, and I became the thing that got in my way as much as the thing that manifested so many realities.

Taking in life, and it's still my life, but doing it in a place of clarity... I feel like I'm on some sort of trip...except, unlike a drug induced trip...this one keeps going and going and going.

I keep doing 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3.... surrendering, handing my will over... and find myself sitting back and letting my HP drive.

Life keeps coming, throwing the stuff at me, and forcing me to challenge me to be clean another day.

I experience such a range of ups and downs, gains and losses, things to be grateful for... and have to endure all the stuff life just keeps throwing into my time line.

Today, I pray for others. I see that I can give, and love differently. Inside, I have compassion, and recognize that the way things look on first impression are not always as they seem.

My greatest supports right now come from places I never expected.

There are promises, of a peace I've never known before, of a love and magic that will bring me all the things I truly want and deserve.

Yet... I am waiting... I am waiting... I am waiting.... I am waiting....for my life to unfold in front of me....my new life... to open up in front of me....

the cure for the shame

The best way to get over feeling ashamed of doing something completely impulsive and stupid....do something way more stupid and embarrassing....have a good laugh...and realize that the consequences are really no big deal....

Oh, how I adore my inner spaz, she's fan-frickin-tastic baby!

Blahging on... I have to say, the beginning of my week was pretty horrible...if you and I didn't connect, let me catch you up....

I felt immense urge and pain to fall right back down the dark hole. I wanted to go backwards, crack a bowl, and a beer, and take away the pain with what I know works. Well, not really, it's a temporary fix…but in the hours that surrounded my days…I so wanted to just drink again…

But, my will didn't win, my HP protected me and guided me through the darkness...

My clarity wins, this time.

What did it take...well...I did something really dumb, in front of more than a gaggle of strangers at the gas station in the middle of Kingston, with my son in tow....yeah, I was distracted, full of rage, hideously resentful when I pulled in...something's wrong with my coolant thingy in my car...so I buy another giant bottle of the toxic green liquid while filling up my tank. I do that thing, you know, where you stick the gas cap into the pump so the gas keeps pumping while I huff and puff in the store looking for more coolant. I refill the leaking thing under the hood. Mind you, I have no clue what I'm doing, I'm not exactly car savvy.

I'm pissed I don't have child care and I have to go to my stupid mandatory one on one session with that wretched counselor at mandatory rehab. I loathe her, and her stupid comments. I abhor that she has the desicision to give me my drivers license back or not. Oh, I just want to go punk rock on her ass and beat her down in my cherry toed boots.

But, I'm wearing open toed heels, that ain't gonna work.

Distracted, and lost in my head, where dark thoughts are consuming me, I finish refilling the coolant, get the cap twisted back in place, close the hood, get in my car, turn up the music and drive away.

I'm sitting at the edge of the parking lot, when this adorable young boy comes up to me with my gas cap in his hand, "Mam, you forgot to take the pump out before you drove away, here's your gas cap."

Ooooooops!

I turn around and see about 15 car loads of people watching me. They are scowling, as though I did something to them.

I walked back to where I was pumping, put the nozzle back in it's place. Thank the boys about 20 times over. Smile at the man shaking his head at me, and say, "oh well, I guess I lost my mind a little, but you wouldn't know what that feels like…hah hah…because, you know, you've never made a mistake in your life."

Fuck him. Fuck them.

Thank you to the guys who bothered to get me my gas cap back.

Thank you for not trashing my car.

Thank you for insuring that I didn't injure anyone, accept my ego a little.

Thank you for helping me find the laughter in it. For realizing the consequences were pretty miniscule. That in the grand scheme, I'm just a cute spaz, and cute spazzy girls are bound to do some pretty funny spazzy things in front of a gas station full of strangers during rush hour.

What did I do after that?

I laughed out loud at myself...turned up the Modest Mouse track kickin' out of my speakers...and went on to the next thing…

I have to live life no matter what, it's the attitude I've got while dealing that makes all the difference.

chasing the dragon

My heart shut down this weekend, my body went limp.

I had some sort of emotional hangover, which took me over and left me over exhausted and unmotivated.

What happened?

Sensory overload.

I dealt with a mix of emotions, memories and an influx of experiences that left me fried.

But the one I didn't count on was the memory I dealt with today…

Today marks the two-year anniversary of meeting "him". It dawned on me sometime this afternoon, when I realized…it was exactly two years ago this weekend that our worlds collided.

To say that I was a little blown away is an understatement. Could it really be two years now since my life was altered…my heart blown open, and my Addiction to Love born.

My four-month affair came on quick and fast, love at first site, every day a perfect miracle. Oh, I was in love, but with what? I was in love with a concept. I was in love with the idea of being in love. In reality, I'm not sure I really knew this person at all.

For this magical period of time, I felt something I had never experienced before, a high so high…that when he abruptly left me, I suffered from a wicked withdrawal and heartbreak so intense, I never believed I would recover.

It's like Chasing the Dragon, you smoke up the delicious opiate…but do you actually catch anything? You're drawing in the smoke…with the hopes to achieve this immense high…but it's fleeting…it doesn't last. You catch nothing, just a craving for more, and a higher high. And in the end…you never actually catch a dragon, just a painful feeling of coming down and withdrawal.

Ahhh…how quickly it came on…we had the most amazing chemistry right from the start. We were saying "I Love You" in just a few days. The Sex was Perfectly Perfect. Our mind's melded and he gave me everything I wanted, without having to ask…I was just getting the Love High strong, hard and fast. Without using a lick of rational thought, I let him move into my life right away and incorporated him into my world instantly.

The rush, the high, it was so exhilarating. In hindsight I can see it for what it was. A mirage. This affair was not based in reality. In the real reality, I didn't know him at all.

Like the first rush I felt the first time I snorted a line… this brief encounter brought me a rush that made me feel a host of intensely heightened sensations…just like that fabulous feeling one gets from the first time they try a new drug. The first time I tried this brand of Fast Hard Love, it distinctly left an indelible impression and I was hooked.

For a short moment, a few months, I was lost in a magical feeling that I feared to question, because I knew deep down, it couldn't be real.

And…then, it was done. He left. No explanation, no break up. He just disappeared.

No source of replenishment…I had a bad love sickness…a pain so cutting, it destroyed me, the withdrawal so unbearable…I didn't think I could live or breath through another day.

My heart was ripped in half, the pain so excruciating, I'm still not sure if I've ever really healed.

And thus I became… a Love Junkie.

I was left, abandoned, with no answers and when I got them later, they didn't really fix anything or make anything better. All I wanted was to recapture it again, and so I danced, from boy to boy, hoping meaningless sex, dating without emotion, faking a feeling of romantic interest might cure me of my horrific disease.

Deep down I'd question if I'd ever re-find that feeling again. But it never came. It won't… it isn't based in a reality I live in. It was meant for that time of my life only, and won't reappear. I don't think I can handle it again. The rehabilitation process was just so difficult.

I'd pray and pray to feel that way just one more time….lost in the pain of lusting for a high that only existed in this one space and time. I looked backwards and forwards in time and space…but this maniacal adventure was to happen to me only once. Never to be recaptured again.

I've been in love before. I know how it feels. Each time, each person, brings a new twist to the emotion. Each relationship that has marked the timeline of my life, is connected to something else, something toxic. Each man in my life paralleled my habits, whether they were coke, booze, ecstasy, booze….they partied like I did, and thus we were a match.

This person and I shared a kismet bond, we had both left our abusive spouses, and loved weed, sex and driving fast literally and metaphorically…it was fate. We nurtured each other post-marriage in that quintessential rebound way I've read countless articles about. Oh yes, post break up, I finally listened to my friends and family and understood that I was in some sort of rebound haze, and that it couldn't last.

So today, I acknowledge…that I am guilty of lusting for Love. For craving the chaos and drama, for being an obsessive freak, for perpetuating an idea that this could be something I want. It's not good for me.

By wanting to Love in this way again, I recognize that I'm merely Chasing the Dragon, sucking up smoke, not getting as high as I did that first time….and knowing it will never get me that high again. I must face this demon, as I face the other elements of my recovery. It is time for me to step back, and acknowledge that I am a Junkie, and Addict, someone who craves to do things that feel good whether they are good for me or not.

My heart remains a damaged organ. My rational thought realizes it is what it is. I have so much heartbreak to acknowledge and repair…if I'm ever to step into a relationship again, I must see the addiction I have for Love. I am a Love Junkie.

my inner psycho

Today I embrace my inner psycho and hand her over to something greater than me….

Earlier this week, I came to the realization that I must release the will and the insanity, and hand it over. It is time to Surrender.

Surrender, now that is a word that most use when they are losing the battle. It's a war term. Not a term of peace, or is it? If I am to find the peace inside of me, I need to end the war I am having with myself. It is time to take my will out of the picture, and let the universe guide me to where I need to be.

When I take my determination for control out of the equation, good things happen for me. I am a great manifester, when I am calm and in a positive place with myself.

In the past few weeks, my insanity has arisen in many forms. My past pains have crept up to haunt me. Determination has sabotaged the good stuff, and held me back from finding the the path I seek towards an easier way of life. My inner psycho loves the drama, obsession, control and feeds on the scars and painful old wounds deep inside.

For many years, I squashed the loud chaos of my inner psycho, with a lot of weed. Oh, how the stoner me was so laid back, chill, cool and calm. Without the substance, she takes on another form. She is loud, and sad, filled with self-pity and insecurity I never recognized before.

She needs a hug. She hurts deeply and cries loudly.

Letting go of my will is not easy, but if I visualize my inner psycho…I know I don't want her to have control anymore. Who is this inner psycho? She is the sick me, the willful me, the grand saboteur, the one who tells me I still want to get high now. She's the obsessed crazy person I've succumbed to for such a long time. She is a pretty girl, loads of fun, an extremist, an attractive being, but what she attracts….I no longer want.

And so I ask the universe to take away my insanity, and in the process, I hand over my inner psycho. I've handed her over, she is no longer mine to nurture. I know she can't go far, because she is very much a part of me and what got me to this place.

I know she won't go far. She is my disease, my illness. I embrace her, as one would embrace a troubled child. If I can find it in my heart to love her unconditionally, in turn, I love myself, and forgive myself.
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Crazy by Seal -

In a church by the face
He talks about the people going under
Only child know
A man decides after seventy years
That what he goes there for
Is to unlock the door
While those around him criticize and sleep
And through a fractal on that breaking wall
I see you my friend and touch your face again
Miracles will happen as we trip
But we're never gonna survive unless
We get a little crazy
No we're never gonna survive unless
We are a little
Cray cray crazy
Crazy are the people walking through my head
One of thems got a gun to shoot the other one
And yet together they were friends at school
Get it, get it, get it, yeah!
If all were there when we first took the pill
Then maybe then maybe then maybe then maybe
Miracles will happen as we speak
But we're never gonna survive unless
We get a little crazy
No we're never gonna survive unless
We are a little
Crazy
No no we'll never survive unless we get a little bit
A man decides to go along after seventy years
Oh darlin
In a sky full of people only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
In a world full of people only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
Crazy
In a heaven of people there's only some want to fly
Ain't that crazy
Oh babe Oh darlin'
In a world full of people there's only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
Isn't that crazy Isn't that crazy Isn't that crazy
Ohh
But we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy crazy
No we're never gonna to survive unless we are a little crazy
But we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy crazy
No we're never gonna to survive unless we are a little crazy
No no never survive unless we get a little bit
And then you see things
The size of which you've never known before
They'll break it
Someday
Only child know
Them things
The size
Of which you've never known before
Someday

single mommy moments

to my wonderful readers...who have followed my blogs about my single mommy moments...you can jump right in...

for those of you who are new to this ... here's my little bitty about being a single mommy...

First of all, it is no harder or easier than being a Mommy who's with the Daddy. If you had my crazy hard marriage, you'd see that my house now is a calm and wonderful place to live. I love being Zman's mom, and doing it solo, for the most part, is far easier, than having to do it in a house of fighting and tension. Maybe every relationship is different, and this isn't about my marriage. It is however about my life thereafter...and how much more calm and peaceful my life is now that it's just me and the Z.

But of course, with every situation, there's the good and the bad. Being a single parent, means having to do it alone.

There are some advantages. I get just about all my weekends off from Mommy Duty, and get to make parenting choices without having to also be compromised in a committed relationship that takes tons of work.

There are times in the mix, where I just feel alone and helpless. Times that I struggle and wish there was someone here to get my back. Moments where my son and I are at an impasse, and I feel a sense of helplessness that comes with trying to be a parent without a manual. In those random moments, my heart moans for a partner to help me figure out what the heck I'm doing.

There are "dude" jobs that just don't get done around my house like lawn mowing, car fixing/washing and other stuff that I've deemed meant for someone else to do because I'm a girl. Oh you feminist chicks relax, I know I can do anything a man can do, well, sort of. But, I'm not totally feminist like that. I like having the door opened for me, my coat held out for me and the trash taken out to the curb.

Yeah, I put on my own coat, open my own door and drag that big green can out to the curb every week myself, but man, I miss having a dude around to make me feel a little more like a woman and do those things for me.

But I digress....

Even before we split, I pretty much had to do a lot of the Mommy events with just me and Z. If we got together as a family and went out, there was always the Lester drama, and he's a dramatic frickin' guy.

Over these few years, I've been the one at all the school events, talent shows, PTA meetings, birthday parties, kiddy concerts, etc.... Just a couple of months ago I was at this big school board fundraiser, and I was the ONLY single parent there. It takes some mental preparation showing up at these things in Single Mommy Mode. I have to do some sort of inner chant about how fuckin fabulous I am before entering the doors of any of these school functions. There's always a parent who suggests I hook up with Mrs. LaMonda's hot brother, this single guy they know, that single guy, some cousin, friend, "have you tried match?" etc.... and always I smile, but inside I'm totally embarrassed because what they are really saying is, "YOU ARE SO SINGLE."

I remember looking at the single mommy chicks I knew, and thinking how lucky I was that I had someone…what did I know?

Ugg.

This past weekend, I had one of those mortifying death-defying Single Mommy moments at Coney Island. We were at the Mermaid Parade, and had a terrific time. After eating a ton of junk food, Zman decided he needed to potty. You know, poop potty. Oh....nooooooooo. We were far from anywhere I knew that had a bathroom, we were in some no man's land between the freak show and the beer garden. Suddenly, the little guy is reeling in pain, he's got to go. All that sugar and garbage in his little tummy, I could only imagine. I went into super mommy mode, guiding him by the hand through the throngs of people up to the boardwalk, around the hoards of freaks and in between the oblivious crowds to the public bathroom by the beach. I figured this was our best bet.

The line for the Women's Room wrapped around down the boardwalk. Clearly, this option was OUT. So, I looked over at the Men's Room and decided we'd brave it there. As I got to the door, the security guys gave me the hairy eyeball, indicating I was to stay outside the gates to the salvation my son desperately needed. So, I did the unthinkable, I sent my little guy into this crowded disgusting public bathroom all by himself. I gave him a little pep talk, and sent him in. At that moment, some ghetto piece of shit guy came right up to me and started to give me grief that I shouldn't have sent him in alone. He made me feel like a terrible mommy. Jerk! Why I let him get to me? Because I was there, alone, Single Mommy...inferior and totally baffled how to accommodate my poor little son who really had to get to the potty. I stood there by the entrance, each of my eyeballs intently watching each of the doors. Each moment he was in there was heart wrenching. Why did I let that guy get to me? Will my little man be OK in there all by himself? I began to doubt my choice. My heart was beating faster and faster.

I began to really panic, he was in there a while. All sorts of characters were moving in and out of the doors to the men's room, and each one looked more creepy and suspect than the last one. Butterflies filled my stomach, and I thought, the What Ifs?

At that moment, a friendly face came to me asking me for directions. They were a family visiting Coney Island for the first time from out of town. Then, the woman really looked at me, "Are you ok?"

I explained that my son is inside, that some guy yelled at me for letting him go in alone, that I was worried, I was panicked that some freak was in there watching him, or worse. Well, I just told her I was worried he was in there a while. Her husband came to the rescue offering to go in and get him, just as I had shown him Z's picture on my phone...Z came out, safe and sound.

My confidence in my choice was renewed. I know my kid, and I trust myself enough to know he was fine. Why let some dick head take away my power and my confidence in my parenting choice? It was the only alternative. And of course, my little guy was fine. I've taught him to be a strong independent little man. I'm a great Mom, he knew just what to do.

Relieved he took care of his business. I was ready to get the heck out of there. I threw Z up on my shoulders and carried him down the boardwalk through all the crazy people back to the parking lot. I felt like a great mommy. We had an awesome day.

This morning, Z graduated from Kindergarten. Here it comes, another school function I was to attend just Me. Something inside me has changed. I'm fine with it, I know this is how it is.

I put on a cute get up, Z and I are wearing our brand new Coney Island tee shirts for the day. I got myself together, threw my camera in my bag, and smiled at myself in the mirror. I'm Z's rockin' mommy, and I'm more than enough. He didn't ask for anyone else, he didn't need anyone else there to support him. He had Me there to cheer him on. Who cares if I'm there alone, that's what our life looks like.

For the first time at one of these school things, no one bugged me about meeting their newly divorced cousin, or whatever...instead, they let me be. Maybe because, for once, I let me be ME! and I know that I Am Enough and that I'm a totally Kick Ass Mommy.

summer storm

At this very moment, the most miraculous summer storm is passing over the roof of my house. As it begins to slow down, I am stunned by the sheer power and magic I just witnessed.

When I got home from my very eventful weekend, I barely had the energy to stand. I lit a few candles, climbed into bed and passed out. Apparently I slept through about seven phone calls. I must have been extremely exhausted, because I'm not the heaviest sleeper.

But this crazy summer storm just rolled in, and awoke me with the loudest crashes of thunder I've ever heard!

Upon awakening, I was taken aback by one of the most intense summer storms I've ever witnessed. The sky strobed profusely with an onslaught of lightening overhead. The storm carried with it electrical clouds casting out lightening in every direction. Thunder was blasting directly over my house. If you could see this storm from my porch, you'd be looking through the branches of evergreen trees that must be hundreds of years old.

The sheer power and intensity of the flashing lightening and deafening thunder was miraculous and unbelievable.

I love summer storms. They evoke so many emotions. As they water the grass, the flowers, the trees, and cool the earth…. they also cleanse my soul.

On my drive back upstate today, "What I Be" by Michael Franti & Spearhead came on my iPod. I've owned this for sometime, but not sure I ever really listened to the lyrics as clearly as I did today. What a powerful song, and indicative of how I am feeling this week.

As my quest for clarity moves forward, I've begun to take an inventory of the person I am.

I am a very passionate woman. This is far from a new discovery. I am self-aware that my passion is the driving force for every action I take. Going back to my earliest journals, one can read countless pages about how I rule my life with my passion. There are a host of entries in my teens into my early twenties where I come to the realization that I must live my life by following my gut. That when I think something out too much, I destroy the opportunity. In my life, the "go for it" attitude has dictated just about every decision I've made in love, career and big life choices. Rarely do I think things through before taking action. I get an idea that sticks to the walls of my heart, and that's where I follow.

My passion is a giant. It governs a world where magical things do happen.

It is also overwhelming, and repels some of the things I want most.

In choosing the people I surround myself with, I find that I am drawn solely to those who also rule themselves with a life of passion. In looking around me at the people who make me feel a sense of kinship, they are extremely passionate souls. My heart is always drawn to a person of deep unending passion.

My friends are the most amazingly passionate people, with a capacity to love that exceeds well beyond most others on this planet.

In my downfall over the past few years, I've controlled this fire and light inside me by squashing it with chemicals and toxins. I've denied my heart and my ability to follow my gut by polluting myself. I've attracted so many wrong people, toxic souls, and pushed myself into a lonely corner. When I look back to where I was, I feel such a great sense of relief to discover that my effervescent light still shines. And lately, it's like lighthouse bright, beaconing boats to turn before they hit rocks and Me!

Like the lightening storm that just consumed me, my passion can be intense, overwhelming, massive, electrical and strobe through the others around me in a way that can over take and conquer.

Back to the drive home…so I'm listening to "What I Be" and really absorbing the lyrics. I play it like seven times in a row. I picture myself a tree making the sweetest fruit, and pulling in love and bringing people Ice Cream on a sunny hot day…and thought of what a gift my passion and heart both are. Because, I strive to be a great many of those things. I work hard to be that gift, and I remember back to a time when I felt so much this way… before my life got so complicated, before my problems got so colossal, and before I let myself dive down that dark hole.

So now I need to learn my heart again. If I am to continue feeling every emotion I have, and feel love, pain, joy, anger, frustration, lust, excitement and my passion so strongly, I must work now to find the tools to control these things. I must learn to connect to my heart differently now, because I've disconnected from it for such a long time.

I am an extremely passionate woman. In my quest for balance, love and clarity…I must also learn to be the master of my own passion and not let it become a storm that overtakes everything in its path.

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What I be by Michael Franti & Spearhead.....

If I could be the sun
I'd radiate like Africa and
Smile upon the world
Intergalactic love laughter and
If I were the rains, I'd wash away the whole world's pain and
Bring the gift of cool like ice cream trucks on sunny days and
If I was the earth I'd be like mountains bountiful
And if I were the sky so high, I'd be like wind invincible and
If I could be a seed, I would give birth to redwood trees and
If I were the trees, I'd generate the freshest air to breathe in

What I be, is what I be
What I be, is what I be
well, well, well, movin on!
well, well, well, movin on!
Do you love someone? Do you love somebody?
Love that one!

If I could be the leaves, then like jade I would stay evergreen and
Spread my limbs out wide and pull love so close to me and
If I could the roots, I would dig deep like ancestry and
If were the fruits, you'd make the sweetest cherry pie from me and
If I could be the night, my moon replace all electric lights and
Magic music would transmit from outer space on satellites
If I myself could be the ocean, you would feel emotion all the time and
If I were the words, then everything that everybody said would rhyme

What I be, is what I be
What I be, is what I be
well, well, well, movin on!
well, well, well, movin on!
Do you love someone? Do you love somebody?
Love that one!

If I could be sex my words would protect
I'd be in the lives of all who connect
What the heck, I'd make it so we all got selected
pores would be dripping pure hot intellect and
The minds of the masses would all stay erect and
Then just for kicks, I'd mail out some checks
Addressed to those who sent their used latex in
Yes, that's what I would if I were sex
If I could be you, you could be me
I could be you, you could be me
I could walk a mile in your shoes.....
And you could walk a mile in my bare feet

What I be, is what I be
What I be, is what I be
well, well, well, movin on!
well, well, well, movin on!
Do you love someone? Do you love somebody?
Love that one!

Here's some cool video I found on YouTube that is inspired by the very same lyrics!!!

the Master of Sabotage takes over

I possess many great talents…I am creative and smart. Many call me the manifester. Throughout my life, I've been able to create situations and make great things happen for me.

When life gets tough, and certainly it has, I've always managed to pull myself out by creating new circumstances. There isn't a time in my life where I wasn't pulling in some sort of income. And when things have seemed most bleak or scary, an opportunity seemed to always ride up behind it. My friends often joke that I always manage to pull one extra magic trick out of my ass.

In the times of my life when the lows were at the very bottom, I've come out on top. Every single time.

I am a woman of strength and courage. As an independent person, I have had no issues dealing with life's many challenges on my own.

For the past two years, I've re-found my "Me", the individual who manifests success without being a piece of anything or anyone else.

In these years, I've managed to raise an amazing son on my own with very little assistance. Additionally, I've made a career in marketing in a place where I have no business having a career. Trust me, I am far far from the cosmopolitan NYC where it would be far easier to excel in my field.

Yet, despite my great gift for living my life as a powerful, strong, independent woman and single mom, I'm a huge failure at supporting a personal life of value. This may sound incredibly dismal, but since my split, creating new lasting relationships has been extremely challenging for me.

The people whom I've met over the past two years have come and gone. Friends who seemed so close were merely transient. Granted, I've managed to forge a very small handful of meaningful friendships, which I foresee lasting far beyond decades, but not that many.

There is my disease…my illness, my allergy to love. Every time I come near a heart connection, my body rejects it. I break out in hives, and my insides become full of anxiety. I am the grand master of sabotage whenever a man has come too close to me since my split with Lester. I think I want it to happen. I get so close, and when it begins to manifest, I destroy it with an emotional allergic reaction one could almost call psychotic. Time and time again…someone gets to close to my heart, and I ruin it with fear, expectations that become resentments, and a stirring of past emotions I just can't shake.

In my most recent attempt at opening my soul, I destroyed it as quickly as it came with my ability to dredge up old behaviors and the anxiety that comes with being vulnerable. At first, I believe this is what I want, only to squash it with some sort of outburst of insecurity.

By feeling the beginnings of the possibility of what might be, I dig down deep into my memory banks and find all the moments hidden in my brain, which remind me of what having my heart broken feels like. I opt for breaking my own heart quickly now, rather than dip my toe in the possibility pool.

While I wish for the possibility, my actions take me somewhere else. I remember the last time my heart was ripped in half. I feel it as clearly as the day it first happened. I freeze in my emotions and recollect every single millisecond of the pain it brought me.

And then…..the master of Sabotage takes over. I repeat what I know best, I destroy the very thing I think I want most. My insecurities scramble up against the inner walls of my heart and push away anything and everything in its path.

Alone I can do. I am a powerful independent woman. I am strong if I don't have to love. Love makes me weak, takes my power and eventually cuts me leaving me broken all over again.

My faith in the everlasting has been destroyed. I cannot imagine love without heartbreak. They are synonymous…there is no having one without the other.

Don't get me wrong, I loved being in a committed relationship, I am the serial monogamist. But fear of heartbreak has consumed me. I am no longer patient, I am no longer a believer.

I'd like to embrace my inner romantic. But my memory of the pain wins again.

And so, I've sabotaged another chance, another possibility. There's no turning back. I made sure to document my psychosis in writing and push away yet another thing that got too close to my heart.

There is no blaming anyone but myself.

I say I don't want to be alone, but my actions speak louder than my words.
=============================================================
Unfinished Symphony by Massive Attack -

I know that I've imagined love before
And how it could be with you
Really hurt me baby, really cut me baby
How can have a day without a night
You're the book that I have opened
And now i've got to know much more

The curiousness of your potential kiss
Has got my mind and body aching
Really hurt me baby, really cut me baby
How can you have a day without a night
You're the book that I have opened
And now I've got to know much more

Like a soul without a mind
In a body without a heart
I'm missing every part
Like a soul without a mind
In a body without a heart
I'm missing every part
Like a soul without a mind
In a body without a heart
I'm missing every part
Like a soul without a mind
In a body without a heart
I'm missing every part
Like a soul without a mind
In a body without a heart
I'm missing every part
Like a soul without a mind
In a body without a heart
I'm missing every part