the one that got away, part deux

Two boys of my past .... came back into my life today.

Within a couple of strokes of the keyboard, I was sent not one, but two notifications of long lost loves... there they were, one after the other.... looking at me... awaiting a response.

When mercury is retrograde, it isn't so uncanny to have people of our past history resurface. We spin backwards when the planets whack out and strange occurences are so very likely.

So, not one, but two loves of my past came back to me for a moment today. Side by side in my inbox, there they were connecting with me electronically.

They are from the past, and that time is long gone. A world far away, a lifetime backwards. It doesn't matter that one has become a hard core buddhist and has a parallel path to mine, striking my spiritual core. Or that he is in service, and gives of himself. Or all the things he told me that would pluck my interest right back.

It is too late to hear that the other remains faithfully curious about what our lives would be like if he hadn't broken up with me under and umbrella in the rain in Lincoln Center so long ago. Our paths intertwined over the years, there is not a doubt, we had our many chances. They have passed, he made choices and put a different life over a life with me.

Paths have altered. Our lives are changed. We are evolved. I am very different. The woman they knew then was just a girl, insecure, confused and unsure of what she wants. That person isn't me anymore.

I see my wants and needs clearly. There is no point in moving backwards in time to discover a what if. It is all in the past.

It freaked me out, looking at my inbox today, two messages with photos and all that information, side by side. These two men who played on my heart strings so long ago knew me as a young girl. Today, you would think they would hardly recognize me.

The truth is, I know I haven't changed a bit. That I am still that little girl inside my skin, aching to be able to voice my individuality and define me clearly. I am not any different really. I am that adorable little shy girl, sitting on the beach chair, conscious of my words, afraid to come out and just be myself and be totally honest. I feel the last times I saw each of them, and realize that I haven't changed much. I'm still plagued with self-centered fears and worry about what to say, for it must come out just so.

The ones that got away. There are a few of them out there, roaming this planet. Not too many, but a few. Each, had an impact for a moment. And still, there are pinholes in my heart, not quite healed from the heart break each of them caused me so long ago.

They were stepping stones... leading me to a place... there's no going back. I trudge onward on this journey. And one day, when I am truly ready to stand up for Elissa Jane, then and only then will I be free of the shackles of my past heart breaks.

I'm getting a little closer, I see the path ahead. And the ones that got away, they may be sending me emails today, but they are way way back there in the back of the journey where they belong.

"the one" is just a little ways ahead...