Stepping Aside by Elissa Jane Mastel
Essay for Bard Returning to College Application
“Me the sequel” is often described as smart, creative, magnetic and has this spark that ignites within him over and over throughout the day, just like me. There is a magic seeing the world through my son’s eyes, it is although I am reliving my life through the experiences of this little person. As I watch him navigate his way, I am amazed at how much the two of us have in common.
He was the easiest baby, never cried, always smiling from the sling. It wasn’t my intention to be one of those attachment parents, but there he was… attached to me. My life from the day of his birth to the present has been about making the best possible life I can just for him. I’ve been entrusted by the universe to make choices for him, and plot out his life in every detail. In the beginning I was his filter, everything he consumed had to pass by me, food, clothes, shelter, friends. In the beginning, I was in absolute control.
No longer the center of my own world, each and every choice I made affected the world of this other person to whom I am forever responsible. This little person did not come with a manual. I don’t have a large family or a bevy of friends with kids to draw my support from. I had to make choices based on instinct and my own life experiences.
Winging it is not really my specialty. My life is plotted and planned out well before I step into it. Each detail of my world is carefully laid out.
While other parents and peers in my son’s community are able to make their child’s education a job unto itself, I have had to choose day care centers and schools that fit in my professional life. As a working single mom, I don’t have time to investigate and interview numerous schools.
I’ve had to carve out my son’s education based on what complimented my work schedule and lifestyle. And, for the past six and a half years, this plan worked without a hitch.
My son excelled in all of his standardized testing, scoring in the top five percent of reading and math in his class. He was a little super star. He had a passion for books and creativity, and loved learning. It was my belief that my child would endure and grow in the normal public school system indefinitely. I reveled in the envy of my peers that we lived in the “good” district by the “great” school. My son was doing very well.
Until, he wasn’t.
My carefully laid out plan fell apart. Bullies were targeting my son, and his self-esteem and love of school fell into the abyss.
How could my brilliant plan to live in this school district and direct my son through this highly touted public school system not be working? After seven meetings in two weeks with his teacher and the principal, and a plea to the PTA it became clear to me that greater adjustments needed to be made. My carefully laid out plan wasn’t working. It was time for a change, we needed to take a different approach.
I had heard about the Sudbury School from other parents and friends. So I investigated a little further. I had gone to Bennington College, a very progressive school, and in that environment I excelled. What if I had the opportunity to go to a school like the Sudbury School when I was younger, what would I be like today? I began to think of what my son’s life would be like if he had the opportunity to have a custom fit solution.
What is the Sudbury School? In short, it’s a Democratic school, where students create their own curriculum, make their own rules and make their own educational choices. It is a community, where peers work together and students become students of life instead of a regimented classroom.
The application process was like no other. There were no grades to ponder or test score to peruse. In fact there were more questions for me. Becoming a part of the Sudbury School community meant that both my son and I had to be very clear that we were making a very radical decision. By enrolling my son into the Sudbury School, I’d be letting go of the control I have over his academic life. Not only would my son have a shift in his education, but I too would have to learn to "live and let live". He could make his own choices about his education. I’d be asked to trust my son to make his own decisions about his studies. I’d be stepping aside.
I stood at the precipice, filled with fear, curiosity and excitement. Looking across where I’d have to make this leap of faith, it felt like I had this dramatic transformation we’d both have to make. I had a new kind of choice. Could I trust my son and this very progressive philosophy? Would his natural curiosity command attention and would he channel that into his desire to learn?
I could fight with the public school system some more, and see if we could find a place for my dynamic son in this cookie cutter environment where everyone has to do, learn and participate in the same activity all day each day. Or, I could surrender, and give my son the opportunity to make up his own mind about what he is going to do with his education. I would give up control and allow him to be an autonomous individual.
I chose to let go. I chose to trust myself and in turn trust my child to make his own decisions about his education. Forking over my control, I am changing as a parent as radically as he growing as a person.
Instead of grappling with the frustration of transitions and changes every forty-five minutes, my son is having unique experiences each day where he is developing as a person in society. He is interacting and developing life skills, most of us have to wait many years to hone in on. There are opportunities for leadership, if he chooses them. No longer confined to color within the lines, he’s been given the opportunity to expand his mind on his own terms. My dynamic kid deserves to have a dynamic educational experience.
My son's new educational path has inspired me to think about my personal goals and desires. He now has the opportunity to expand his mind on a personalized educational path. Why shouldn’t I do the same? His journey has sparked my interest in taking charge of my education and creating a custom plan of my own. As I encourage my son to pursue his aspirations, I’ve found myself taking charge of mine. In this parenting learning experience, I have come to terms with goals I’d like to see to fruition. Completing my undergraduate degree at Bard is my chance to carve out a tailor fit education and get a degree from a school who's philosophy resonates with my own.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t question my decision to place my son in the Sudbury School. I’ve made a radical choice to allow my son to take charge of his own life in a very different environment. I believe my questioning my choice is healthy, and keeps me present as I experience this process with my son. I am learning to trust and let go of my need to control.
It has been a gift and a painful letting go watching my little baby boy become his own independent person. He uses his time at school to learn about frogs, create his own line of Ugly Dolls, play capture the flag, skateboard with the teenagers, play on the computer and build robots. He makes his own lunch in the kitchen and determines how he wants to use his allowance. When he gets into trouble, he answers to his peers, not some random authority. Today, he speaks about people's boundaries and understands that he is learning to be a citizen of the world. He plots, plans and socializes. He is morphing into a constructive and productive human being.
As he pulls away from me and becomes his own person, I see that I too have morphed and changed. There have been many challenges and accomplishments presented to me in parenthood. Stepping Aside has been one of them. I encourage my child to chase his passion, and now it is time that I too chase mine. By completing my undergraduate degree in Writing Arts at Bard College, I’d be pursuing the education I’ve dreamed of. Just as I’ve encouraged my son to do for himself at Sudbury School, I am making my own decision about what to do with my education. By Returning to School, I give myself the opportunity to realize ideas, expand my mind and set an example.
My son and I are both growing up together. These days, my son doesn’t need me as much. He is very independent. Every once in a while, he still asks me to kiss a boo-boo or cut up an apple for snack. These little markers remind me that I’m still his mommy, and he can still rely on me to take care of him as he learns to take care of himself.
