sometimes things are just beyond control....

I forgot.
I've never done any of this sober before.
I've never tried this, tried that, quit this, done that.

It's all different, when you're sober.

When I am being sober, I am being something new.

It's ok ... I don't know what I'm doing. I just know, I'm doing it different.

But it's different.

I think I've got a handle on it.

Then I grow.

And I'm growing.

Growing hurts.

I've got growing pains, and they ache all over, they are clawing at my nerves, my heart, my thoughts....

The growing pains are clawing at me from my inside out, ripping at my guts, pressing out through my flesh.

And life keeps happening, and happening, happening... no breaks. No making things stop.

I can't control it. I have to ride the plan. Even if it doesn't make sense. It's killing my heart, which feels more broken than ever.

I'm far far far away from the party friends... I don't know them anymore. I don't know who I am, because it is all new.

These things that ache, these things that don't make sense, they are impermanent. Life is filled with impermanence.

The only thing I can sit on is the present. The only tangible thing I can grasp is now.

Everything else, is irrelevant.

Tomorrow, is another day. And when tomorrow comes, today will then become irrelevant.

If I could just stop thinking... I'd see, everything is ok.

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Everything is OK by Halou (my fave band du jour) -

Break it all down into simplest terms.
There, was that so bad?
Now, is that so bad?
You doubt yourself so much you don't even
Know what you really want, or how you really feel.

And I'm so tired
Of you constantly over-thinking.
I know why, because everything's going OK.
Just your style, to break it all into pieces,
I know why, because everything's going OK.

Disregard your inner monologue
Don't try to drown it out, 'cause it'll only wear you out.
Sometimes things are just beyond control
That has to be OK, you don't have a choice

And I'm so tired
Of you constantly over-thinking.
I know why, because everything's going OK.
Just your style, to break it all into pieces,
Just one time, I've had just about all I can take

Everything is unacceptable
If you overanalyze,
And that is just your style.