Mrs. Dad

oh, how easy it is.. to let the mind wander into a cavern of brain fucks.

I let my brain slip the past few days, into a spiral of nonsense and sadness... that I guess I interpreted as something I just had to "feel".

It all began on Monday. First of all, I hate Mondays. Yeah, I know you do too.

On Mondays, I look over the refrigerator to see what the week has in store. I suppose every mom has a system. Mine is, when it comes home from school with some sort of date on it…. I stick it on the fridge. This way, I always know where all those notes, more notes, and notes are about what I'm supposed to remember. If it doesn't get to the fridge, I'm lose the piece of paper and totally forget.

So it's Monday morning, and that canary yellow flyer is glaring at me… Cub Scouts Sign Up and Meeting on Wednesday. Sounds harmless enough now in hindsight. But on that Monday morning, that Cub Sounts flyer was glaring at me… and I allowed the ideas of what I thought this event would be like invade my mind with thoughts of anxiety and fear.

Who the heck could be afraid of such things?

I have this internal inner psycho, who feeds on my self-esteem. She took over, and reminded me that being a single mom has a stigma. That as a single mom, I will feel different and left out. I began to allow stress ad fear build up in my mind from Monday Morning onward. In my head, I pictured this Dad Zone, where I would be uncomfortable. My fear of loneliness and insecurities began to come to the surface.

I turned this event (in my mind) into this guy's thing, and that I would be the only mommy there, and it would be incredibly hard for me. I pictured it would be all the husbands of the PTA Mommies – insert the noise Lurch from the Adam's Family groans here…. uuuuuuhhhhhhhhgggggg…..

… and I saw me all alone having to play Mrs. Dad.

I wasted countless minutes and hours letting the ideas of what this upcoming event would be like. And, it began to take over other things in my head too. I began to feel sorry for myself, harp on the woes of my loneliness, feed my cravings for obsession, fear, doubt and insecurity that normally don't factor into my daily life.

In my reality, I allowed this anxiety to turn me into a depressed horrible mess….. and I beat myself to a pulp. Yes, once again, I only hurt myself…. and I prepared myself to have an experience that I hadn't even had yet.

Now that is one big Mind-Fuck!

It was on my way home from work on Wednesday, my stomach in knots, sending "SOS" texts about how upset I was that I was going to be the only mom, that I was going to have to play Mrs. Dad and on and on…. Reaching out to friends, thinking that I am going to cave and fall down into the abyss where there's no turning back.

What brought me out of this chaotic spiral? A simple text message that read….. "So, go put on your Carhartt's and be Mrs. Dad" (thank you Kelly)

I laughed so hard … I realized what a spaz I was being.

So, I prayed. And as asking to have all this pain, anxiety and fear cleared from my mind, and then I hear…."Get Present!"

Oh yeah, it's the present tense.

In this moment, I remember what I'm grateful for, and there's much to be grateful for....my son, my friends, my financial security, my sobriety, my car is up and running, my support network and my innate ability to laugh at the dumbest jokes.

Oh, I was stressed, freaked out, allowing my thoughts to tailspin out of control into a very dark place...

The replies poured in… a funny joke, a vote of confidence, praise for my parenting skills and an anecdote. I'm far from alone. I have a tremendous support network of people who love me, and wouldn't let me flounder out there all by myself … the insane crazy person I am.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." - Buddha

I cannot change some circumstances, but I can change my attitude towards them.

A loving neighbor, a funny friend, a not-so-bad ex-husband, a great joke, and a reminder to laugh at my past.... shook me right out of it.

I opted against going all butch and putting on my Carhartts….

But I chose not to get all prettied up either....I threw on jeans and a tee shirt, grabbed the Zman and took him to the Cub Scouts thing.

It wasn't so bad, in fact, it was sorta fun, and nice and easy and something we can do together. I was far from the only mom. Our Pack Mothers are the coolest moms in school. I got to see a few friends, it was actually a lot of fun.

So the punch line…. I'm our 1st Grade Troupe Den Mother! Yeah, go figure.

I placed all these expectations on this hour of my life to come, and I allowed my fear to consume me. At what price? My sanity? My happiness?

I learned a great lesson this week about expectations, fear and insecurity. None of them are permanent and they cause such suffering, there is no need to do that to my head ever again.