l’shanah tova 5769

So, once again, the Jewish New Year is upon us. Can you believe it's 5769, man how time flies.

As the sentimental sap I am, I can't help but reflect back on the years behind me. Going back in the mental time machine… I find myself at Rosh Hashanah 5759(1998)… that is the last time I spent the High Holy Days alone.

I have an indelible memory of that year. I recall sitting way up in the upper balcony of the synagogue, praying by myself. From that vantage point, I could see the entire congregation below. By sitting so far away, I confirmed myself the isolated outsider. I remember that morning vividly.

Wearing a crisp white button down shirt, grey pashmina shall, pin striped slacks, black heels and pearls, I pretended I belonged. In this uniform, I had hoped to be undetected as the former bad girl looking to be saved.

There in the balcony, high up above the crowd, in my own little spot, I sang along and prayed with the group from afar.

I hadn't felt a connection to my spirituality in a very long time.

During the service, my mind drifted off, and I reflected on the year behind me. It was the year I stopped slinging, hustling and quit using. It was the year I begged for god's forgiveness and prayed hard on how important it was for me to change.

Sitting there, separated from the pack, bright sunlight pouring into the windows, I clutched my prayer book and thought hard on wanting to evolve and become the best person I could be.

When services were over. I just stayed there and watched the people hug each other, kiss each other, and wish each other a happy new year. Observing the families, new parents with little babies, grandparents with their broods, I couldn't help but wonder, what the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I alone? When will I have what they have?

I let the people file out so I could have the synagogue to myself. And when they were all gone, I began to pray to my own tune.

"God, please forgive me for all I have done. Help me to be the best person I can be. Take away my pain, and keep me from ever doing blow again. God, don't let me be alone forever, god…..save me….I want to be the best person I can be, I want to change. I'm not slinging anymore, I don't want to punish myself any longer. I've dropped out. I'm good now. I wanna be good now. Save me."

Not sure how long I stayed there, reflecting on the year I had just survived, but I vowed hard to be different, to be good, and prayed that I wouldn't be alone anymore.

It was the first time in a very long time that I actually felt a connection to my HP.

Fast forward to 10 years later to today. It's the first year I'm spending Rosh Hashanah alone since then. I decided not to go to temple this year, but to pray on my own, reflect from the inside out and get right with me in my own spiritual way. Last night, I lit candles, and reflected on the year behind me.

Today, I am filled with gratitude for the gift my life has become.

At this moment, my prayers for the New Year are about compassion, love and wisdom. I've evolved. I am someone else. No more punishment, and I'm not really "alone".

Ten years ago, God was listening, but I didn't realize it.

Today, I don't need to sit with thousands of Jews making up for a year of being unattached, because I AM CONNECTED TO MY SPIRITUALITY with or without the organized religious experience. I meditate & pray every day, and I acknowledge and nurture my spiritual connection in my life.

So…in the spirit of the coming of 5769, I have made a few New Year's promises;
• Take care of ME.
• Expand my Buddhist practice and share with others.
• Quit Smoking (yup got the Chantix)

L'Shanah Tova. May 5769 bring peace to planet earth, offer you wealth of a different kind, health of all kinds and lots of Love to all people.

Amen.