so I spent the day fully aware that I publicly declared that I'm taking the Real Happiness 28 day challenge... there were times throughout the day that I'd say to myself, "ok, I'm gonna sit for 10 minutes at 11am" and at two different points I pulled my chair back from my desk declaring, "ok, now I'm going to sit" only to get sucked back into my work vortex.
all day, I knew, I had to sit, come on, I got the book, I told all these people, I've been tweeting it and posting it... I had to sit.
after putting my son to bed, I put my cushion on the floor, turned off all the lights and ... I did it. for the first time in months, I put my butt on my cushion, and sat.
it was so nice. I gave myself permission to let go and just breathe... what a gift, to just be.
like Sharon Salzberg said, I can begin anytime. this isn't remedial practice, it is the practice. NOT PRACTICING WAS PART OF MY PRACTICE!!! what an awakening, to discover that I can come back anytime. well, to realize I never went anywhere. I'm just in my life, and tonight, I gave myself permission to pause.
I can start again at anytime. not just with meditation, with anything. with things that are healthy and nurturing just as easily as with the decisions which are detrimental, that lead me to pain.
I deserve the dharma just as much as any other human on this planet. this may be a mundane, yet adorable statement, but the truth is.... I felt abandoned, and undeserving of my spirituality. and tonight, I turned a corner, well, I didn't do much, I just .... sat the frack down... and gave myself 30 minutes of being still and just being.
Day #1. I sat.