the Master of Sabotage takes over

I possess many great talents…I am creative and smart. Many call me the manifester. Throughout my life, I've been able to create situations and make great things happen for me.

When life gets tough, and certainly it has, I've always managed to pull myself out by creating new circumstances. There isn't a time in my life where I wasn't pulling in some sort of income. And when things have seemed most bleak or scary, an opportunity seemed to always ride up behind it. My friends often joke that I always manage to pull one extra magic trick out of my ass.

In the times of my life when the lows were at the very bottom, I've come out on top. Every single time.

I am a woman of strength and courage. As an independent person, I have had no issues dealing with life's many challenges on my own.

For the past two years, I've re-found my "Me", the individual who manifests success without being a piece of anything or anyone else.

In these years, I've managed to raise an amazing son on my own with very little assistance. Additionally, I've made a career in marketing in a place where I have no business having a career. Trust me, I am far far from the cosmopolitan NYC where it would be far easier to excel in my field.

Yet, despite my great gift for living my life as a powerful, strong, independent woman and single mom, I'm a huge failure at supporting a personal life of value. This may sound incredibly dismal, but since my split, creating new lasting relationships has been extremely challenging for me.

The people whom I've met over the past two years have come and gone. Friends who seemed so close were merely transient. Granted, I've managed to forge a very small handful of meaningful friendships, which I foresee lasting far beyond decades, but not that many.

There is my disease…my illness, my allergy to love. Every time I come near a heart connection, my body rejects it. I break out in hives, and my insides become full of anxiety. I am the grand master of sabotage whenever a man has come too close to me since my split with Lester. I think I want it to happen. I get so close, and when it begins to manifest, I destroy it with an emotional allergic reaction one could almost call psychotic. Time and time again…someone gets to close to my heart, and I ruin it with fear, expectations that become resentments, and a stirring of past emotions I just can't shake.

In my most recent attempt at opening my soul, I destroyed it as quickly as it came with my ability to dredge up old behaviors and the anxiety that comes with being vulnerable. At first, I believe this is what I want, only to squash it with some sort of outburst of insecurity.

By feeling the beginnings of the possibility of what might be, I dig down deep into my memory banks and find all the moments hidden in my brain, which remind me of what having my heart broken feels like. I opt for breaking my own heart quickly now, rather than dip my toe in the possibility pool.

While I wish for the possibility, my actions take me somewhere else. I remember the last time my heart was ripped in half. I feel it as clearly as the day it first happened. I freeze in my emotions and recollect every single millisecond of the pain it brought me.

And then…..the master of Sabotage takes over. I repeat what I know best, I destroy the very thing I think I want most. My insecurities scramble up against the inner walls of my heart and push away anything and everything in its path.

Alone I can do. I am a powerful independent woman. I am strong if I don't have to love. Love makes me weak, takes my power and eventually cuts me leaving me broken all over again.

My faith in the everlasting has been destroyed. I cannot imagine love without heartbreak. They are synonymous…there is no having one without the other.

Don't get me wrong, I loved being in a committed relationship, I am the serial monogamist. But fear of heartbreak has consumed me. I am no longer patient, I am no longer a believer.

I'd like to embrace my inner romantic. But my memory of the pain wins again.

And so, I've sabotaged another chance, another possibility. There's no turning back. I made sure to document my psychosis in writing and push away yet another thing that got too close to my heart.

There is no blaming anyone but myself.

I say I don't want to be alone, but my actions speak louder than my words.
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Unfinished Symphony by Massive Attack -

I know that I've imagined love before
And how it could be with you
Really hurt me baby, really cut me baby
How can have a day without a night
You're the book that I have opened
And now i've got to know much more

The curiousness of your potential kiss
Has got my mind and body aching
Really hurt me baby, really cut me baby
How can you have a day without a night
You're the book that I have opened
And now I've got to know much more

Like a soul without a mind
In a body without a heart
I'm missing every part
Like a soul without a mind
In a body without a heart
I'm missing every part
Like a soul without a mind
In a body without a heart
I'm missing every part
Like a soul without a mind
In a body without a heart
I'm missing every part
Like a soul without a mind
In a body without a heart
I'm missing every part
Like a soul without a mind
In a body without a heart
I'm missing every part