single mommy moments

to my wonderful readers...who have followed my blogs about my single mommy moments...you can jump right in...

for those of you who are new to this ... here's my little bitty about being a single mommy...

First of all, it is no harder or easier than being a Mommy who's with the Daddy. If you had my crazy hard marriage, you'd see that my house now is a calm and wonderful place to live. I love being Zman's mom, and doing it solo, for the most part, is far easier, than having to do it in a house of fighting and tension. Maybe every relationship is different, and this isn't about my marriage. It is however about my life thereafter...and how much more calm and peaceful my life is now that it's just me and the Z.

But of course, with every situation, there's the good and the bad. Being a single parent, means having to do it alone.

There are some advantages. I get just about all my weekends off from Mommy Duty, and get to make parenting choices without having to also be compromised in a committed relationship that takes tons of work.

There are times in the mix, where I just feel alone and helpless. Times that I struggle and wish there was someone here to get my back. Moments where my son and I are at an impasse, and I feel a sense of helplessness that comes with trying to be a parent without a manual. In those random moments, my heart moans for a partner to help me figure out what the heck I'm doing.

There are "dude" jobs that just don't get done around my house like lawn mowing, car fixing/washing and other stuff that I've deemed meant for someone else to do because I'm a girl. Oh you feminist chicks relax, I know I can do anything a man can do, well, sort of. But, I'm not totally feminist like that. I like having the door opened for me, my coat held out for me and the trash taken out to the curb.

Yeah, I put on my own coat, open my own door and drag that big green can out to the curb every week myself, but man, I miss having a dude around to make me feel a little more like a woman and do those things for me.

But I digress....

Even before we split, I pretty much had to do a lot of the Mommy events with just me and Z. If we got together as a family and went out, there was always the Lester drama, and he's a dramatic frickin' guy.

Over these few years, I've been the one at all the school events, talent shows, PTA meetings, birthday parties, kiddy concerts, etc.... Just a couple of months ago I was at this big school board fundraiser, and I was the ONLY single parent there. It takes some mental preparation showing up at these things in Single Mommy Mode. I have to do some sort of inner chant about how fuckin fabulous I am before entering the doors of any of these school functions. There's always a parent who suggests I hook up with Mrs. LaMonda's hot brother, this single guy they know, that single guy, some cousin, friend, "have you tried match?" etc.... and always I smile, but inside I'm totally embarrassed because what they are really saying is, "YOU ARE SO SINGLE."

I remember looking at the single mommy chicks I knew, and thinking how lucky I was that I had someone…what did I know?

Ugg.

This past weekend, I had one of those mortifying death-defying Single Mommy moments at Coney Island. We were at the Mermaid Parade, and had a terrific time. After eating a ton of junk food, Zman decided he needed to potty. You know, poop potty. Oh....nooooooooo. We were far from anywhere I knew that had a bathroom, we were in some no man's land between the freak show and the beer garden. Suddenly, the little guy is reeling in pain, he's got to go. All that sugar and garbage in his little tummy, I could only imagine. I went into super mommy mode, guiding him by the hand through the throngs of people up to the boardwalk, around the hoards of freaks and in between the oblivious crowds to the public bathroom by the beach. I figured this was our best bet.

The line for the Women's Room wrapped around down the boardwalk. Clearly, this option was OUT. So, I looked over at the Men's Room and decided we'd brave it there. As I got to the door, the security guys gave me the hairy eyeball, indicating I was to stay outside the gates to the salvation my son desperately needed. So, I did the unthinkable, I sent my little guy into this crowded disgusting public bathroom all by himself. I gave him a little pep talk, and sent him in. At that moment, some ghetto piece of shit guy came right up to me and started to give me grief that I shouldn't have sent him in alone. He made me feel like a terrible mommy. Jerk! Why I let him get to me? Because I was there, alone, Single Mommy...inferior and totally baffled how to accommodate my poor little son who really had to get to the potty. I stood there by the entrance, each of my eyeballs intently watching each of the doors. Each moment he was in there was heart wrenching. Why did I let that guy get to me? Will my little man be OK in there all by himself? I began to doubt my choice. My heart was beating faster and faster.

I began to really panic, he was in there a while. All sorts of characters were moving in and out of the doors to the men's room, and each one looked more creepy and suspect than the last one. Butterflies filled my stomach, and I thought, the What Ifs?

At that moment, a friendly face came to me asking me for directions. They were a family visiting Coney Island for the first time from out of town. Then, the woman really looked at me, "Are you ok?"

I explained that my son is inside, that some guy yelled at me for letting him go in alone, that I was worried, I was panicked that some freak was in there watching him, or worse. Well, I just told her I was worried he was in there a while. Her husband came to the rescue offering to go in and get him, just as I had shown him Z's picture on my phone...Z came out, safe and sound.

My confidence in my choice was renewed. I know my kid, and I trust myself enough to know he was fine. Why let some dick head take away my power and my confidence in my parenting choice? It was the only alternative. And of course, my little guy was fine. I've taught him to be a strong independent little man. I'm a great Mom, he knew just what to do.

Relieved he took care of his business. I was ready to get the heck out of there. I threw Z up on my shoulders and carried him down the boardwalk through all the crazy people back to the parking lot. I felt like a great mommy. We had an awesome day.

This morning, Z graduated from Kindergarten. Here it comes, another school function I was to attend just Me. Something inside me has changed. I'm fine with it, I know this is how it is.

I put on a cute get up, Z and I are wearing our brand new Coney Island tee shirts for the day. I got myself together, threw my camera in my bag, and smiled at myself in the mirror. I'm Z's rockin' mommy, and I'm more than enough. He didn't ask for anyone else, he didn't need anyone else there to support him. He had Me there to cheer him on. Who cares if I'm there alone, that's what our life looks like.

For the first time at one of these school things, no one bugged me about meeting their newly divorced cousin, or whatever...instead, they let me be. Maybe because, for once, I let me be ME! and I know that I Am Enough and that I'm a totally Kick Ass Mommy.