pass me the Birthday Umbrella please

oh boy...here we go again...when it comes to my birthday, there are somethings I can just rely on...

For as long as I can remember it has always rained on my birthday. Year after year, my poor mother had to get all the kids inside for yet another rainy day activity. As I got older, it was the movies, backgammon, sweats and rainy day activities. I have yet to have a birthday where it hasn't rained. People laugh, they don't believe me...but this is a fact. On June 14th, every year, I promise you, it rains.

and when it rains, it pours....

It all started in 7th grade. I was madly nuts for a boy named Scott Gant. The fact that I remember his full name is sort of funny, but I can't just remember him as Scott. It started during the kissing party phase, we paired off and decided we preferred our making out one on one. I was probably way too young to do the experimenting that I did with him that year. In fact, I know I was. But I was crazy about him. Each weekend, we'd try something more, something new. I was young and confused, but our time together just seemed so .... whatever, it's 7th grade... roll with the story...

My parents threw me a giant NYC expensie 13th Birthday Party. It was supposed to be my Bat Mitzvah, minus the mitzva bit. I was elated, shopping at Fiorucci for the perfect outfit, and all I could think about was Scott Gant feeling me up in it. New padded bra, cute undies, he was so gonna think I'm hot.

As my friends arrived, he came with another girl.... Blair Glaser, and they spent the entire party making out... OMG, whatta bitch! And she was one of my best friends. I am sure I have many other memories of that day, but the one that sticks out is Blair Glaser and Scott Gant making out at my party the entire party.

This would be the first of a string of heartbreak and disappointment (and rainstorms) attached to my birthday year, after year, after year....

Looking back over the past 26 years (man I'm old) since the Scott Gant Curse was put upon me, it's pretty depressing that I've never had a romantic birthday with any of my significant others or love interests. I'm always disappointed. I could lay out using a comedic voice story after story, year after year...

My ex-husband's interpretation of celebrating my birthday was, he'd come home from work, empty handed of course, exclaim, "I'm going to walk the Dog." He hated my dog. He'd come back with a card from CVS down the street and super ugly cheap flowers from the bodega around the corner..."Happy Birthday".

The only time Lester acknowledged my birthday the way I wanted was the year I split up with him. He made a reservation at a restaurant I begged him to take me to for 7 years!!! He gave me gifts, and tried to put together the best birthday I ever had. Sadly, it was so over for me, it was too little way too late.

In looking back starting today, and going back year after year... I can clearly see and feel the heartbreak that comes with my birthday. Last year the guy I liked came to my party and never called me again, the year before the last supper, the years before bodega flowers, the year before I got stood up, the year before was the birthday party where 5 of my ex-boyfriends showed up, the year before my guy got us K instead of Coke so I spent my birthday in a Khole ICK!, and back and back down the memory banks....all disappointing.

What's funny is in reverse, I'm the best girlfriend alive when it comes to birthdays. I throw surprise parties, buy trips to far away lands, take him to get a new tattoo....I always orchestrate the ultimate dream birthday for every single one of my significant others.

So here we are... another birthday... forecast calls for rain... and heartbreak is pretty much guaranteed... my phone isn't ringing.. it's not a good sign.

Now where did I put my umbrella and galoshes?