pass me the Birthday Umbrella please

oh boy...here we go again...when it comes to my birthday, there are somethings I can just rely on...

For as long as I can remember it has always rained on my birthday. Year after year, my poor mother had to get all the kids inside for yet another rainy day activity. As I got older, it was the movies, backgammon, sweats and rainy day activities. I have yet to have a birthday where it hasn't rained. People laugh, they don't believe me...but this is a fact. On June 14th, every year, I promise you, it rains.

and when it rains, it pours....

It all started in 7th grade. I was madly nuts for a boy named Scott Gant. The fact that I remember his full name is sort of funny, but I can't just remember him as Scott. It started during the kissing party phase, we paired off and decided we preferred our making out one on one. I was probably way too young to do the experimenting that I did with him that year. In fact, I know I was. But I was crazy about him. Each weekend, we'd try something more, something new. I was young and confused, but our time together just seemed so .... whatever, it's 7th grade... roll with the story...

My parents threw me a giant NYC expensie 13th Birthday Party. It was supposed to be my Bat Mitzvah, minus the mitzva bit. I was elated, shopping at Fiorucci for the perfect outfit, and all I could think about was Scott Gant feeling me up in it. New padded bra, cute undies, he was so gonna think I'm hot.

As my friends arrived, he came with another girl.... Blair Glaser, and they spent the entire party making out... OMG, whatta bitch! And she was one of my best friends. I am sure I have many other memories of that day, but the one that sticks out is Blair Glaser and Scott Gant making out at my party the entire party.

This would be the first of a string of heartbreak and disappointment (and rainstorms) attached to my birthday year, after year, after year....

Looking back over the past 26 years (man I'm old) since the Scott Gant Curse was put upon me, it's pretty depressing that I've never had a romantic birthday with any of my significant others or love interests. I'm always disappointed. I could lay out using a comedic voice story after story, year after year...

My ex-husband's interpretation of celebrating my birthday was, he'd come home from work, empty handed of course, exclaim, "I'm going to walk the Dog." He hated my dog. He'd come back with a card from CVS down the street and super ugly cheap flowers from the bodega around the corner..."Happy Birthday".

The only time Lester acknowledged my birthday the way I wanted was the year I split up with him. He made a reservation at a restaurant I begged him to take me to for 7 years!!! He gave me gifts, and tried to put together the best birthday I ever had. Sadly, it was so over for me, it was too little way too late.

In looking back starting today, and going back year after year... I can clearly see and feel the heartbreak that comes with my birthday. Last year the guy I liked came to my party and never called me again, the year before the last supper, the years before bodega flowers, the year before I got stood up, the year before was the birthday party where 5 of my ex-boyfriends showed up, the year before my guy got us K instead of Coke so I spent my birthday in a Khole ICK!, and back and back down the memory banks....all disappointing.

What's funny is in reverse, I'm the best girlfriend alive when it comes to birthdays. I throw surprise parties, buy trips to far away lands, take him to get a new tattoo....I always orchestrate the ultimate dream birthday for every single one of my significant others.

So here we are... another birthday... forecast calls for rain... and heartbreak is pretty much guaranteed... my phone isn't ringing.. it's not a good sign.

Now where did I put my umbrella and galoshes?

homework assignment

I awoke on the morning of March 15th, hung over from the night before. I had the most incredulous dream, the kind that feels like it was real. In this dream, I was arrested for drinking and driving. The imagery was vivid, and it felt as though it was actually happening. The cop took me out of the car, put me in the cop car in the front seat in handcuffs. As he drove me away…he held my hand and promised me everything would be ok.

I awoke freaked out. It felt so real.

With a pounding headache and a lust for a cool drink of water and some Advil, I descended down the stairs to grab the phone and call my sister. We don't talk very often, but for some reason, I felt an immense need to call her immediately. We talked for hours about drinking and driving. She explained that she doesn't do it anymore. We talked about how I do, and how it's not really ok.

I knew the dream was an omen, and that it was time to be careful when I go out in the future.

We talked at great lengths about our habits of drinking, and I thought about how much I had been drinking and maybe it was time to scale back.

As the day went on, I did the usual to nurse my hangover from the night before. I had thrown a big party at the Bearsville on Friday night, which was a huge success. As well as it went, I couldn't help but feel alone. Lost. And hung-over. I hyper analyzed my life that day. Going over each aspect of what is happening with my career and life at home and just about everything else I could put together.

I didn't do much else that day. Watched movies. Hung out. Ate my favorite hangover food, popped more advils and drank more lemonade to kill the pain.

It was Saturday night. I didn't want to spend it at home alone.

In my usual pattern, I got dressed up and headed out to my weekly treat, dinner at The Bear Café. Upon arrival, I was greeted by my favorite bartender, who offered me a glass of wine to start off my night. My dinner was my usual, filet mignon, my absolute favorite thing on the menu. I had a second glass of wine with dinner. It was a lovely meal.

While eating, I was met by an acquaintance, who joined me for coffee at the end of my meal. I decided to treat myself to a Sambuca. Come on, it was a celebratory night, it was Saturday.

Something clicked in my brain as I walked out of the restaurant. I was noticeably drunk. I don't normally get drunk so quickly. Something just kicked in.

After dinner, we headed together over to the Bearsville Theater to catch a band I was looking forward to seeing. Instead of ordering soda or water, I continued to drink. Various people were buying me drinks. I didn't bother to say no. I just kept drinking. I barely enjoyed the show. I was too caught up in the fact that it wasn't enough of a party for me.

And so my night went on. I kept driving from bar to bar, looking for the party. It's difficult to put down what it was like…this feeling of wanting "something" to happen. I wanted to find the Fun. In the end, I was just drinking and bar hopping with no purpose in sight.

Somehow, I ended up in Kingston's bar infested uptown. More barhopping.

I don't really remember a whole lot from here.

A bag of cheetos…and another drink… before getting in my car to make the trip back to Mount Tremper.

I have made this trek in this condition many times before. I was a pro. So I thought.

While driving up 28 West … I was messing with my iPod, and at that moment, I got popped.

What's crazy is, I saw it all happen already. Same cop, same scenario. All I could do was cry like a little girl. I was guilty, I had no excuse. My first thought was that I would have to move back to Brooklyn, because I was going to lose my license and how would I get to go out anymore. My second thought was, "OH MY GOD, I AM A MOMMY AND THIS NEEDS TO STOP NOW."

This is the last night I have had a drink. It has been 87 days, and I'm clean and sober.

There's no way I could ever do this again.

a line from my journal... can it really be that Simple

Every time you open your heart to possibility, you take one step closer to Love.

a line from my journal... can it really be that Simple

Every time you open your heart to possibility, you take one step closer to Love.

Full Circle

Often times, I look at life as a circular experience. Without a doubt, these past few weeks have been a series of events, where different pieces of my life have come... Full Circle.

I'm not much of an expert on Numerology, but they have a belief that depending on the year, you experience certain things, year 1... all new, year 9... fully grown, etc...

Last year, I often felt very much like I did the year that I turned 29. Ten years ago, I was on the verge of my life. My career became a career...I was about to get out of the slutty silly dating pool I was in and dive head first into a relationship with my husband, and I was about to grow up and transform from girl to Woman. And I did.

So if last year was 29, am I repeating 30 this year? Man I hope so. 30 was one of the absolute BEST years of my life. It was the year I hit the Zenith of my career, that Lester and I got married, that we got the best apartment in Brooklyn and just everything came together for me. If the concept of Numerology is truly real, then I am coming full circle in my numbers cycle.

Over the past few weeks, I've come face to face with many things that were left forgotten in my past. People, places and things that have put an impression on my personality and my life have stepped back into my life again. Even if the moment is a short one, I've come to terms and had closure with so many experiences in my life the past few weeks.

As a 20-something person, I felt so invincible and never thought about consequences, regrets, or how my choices would effect the world and the people in it.

Now, almost 40, I have no choice but to reevaluate how I live on this planet. How my actions have consequences and that no matter how much I don't want to believe it, I do make an impact on other people's lives. We all do. Each choice I consciously make has an effect on something or someone.

Last weekend, I spent some time working in the Berkshires. It was a joyous wonderful occasion, I got to work a Wedding. It was painstakingly planned out by the bride, every detail mastered before the big day. But of course, when an event is that perfectly planned...something must throw it's wrench in the cogs of the machine. It rained just as the ceremony was about to begin. At that moment, I went into high gear, rearranging everything from chairs, to plants, flowers, etc... I was on. In the end, it was a beautiful ceremony, under a tent, and everyone had a joyous time as they witnessed the happy couple getting married.

This is not so different than life as it is. Expectations can be planned and planned, but the outcome is always a mystery.

While in the Berkshires this past weekend, I spent a good amount of time in Great Barrington, picking up supplies, buying water and food, etc... Driving around, it brought me back to a happy time in my life. Four summers ago, we had a little house in Great B where we spent a week as a happy family. As I cruised through town, I found another and another place where we spent time enjoying ice cream, shopping for goodies, strolling through town....memories of a time when we were good. When things with us were great. I'm a big sap. My ability to dive deep into sentimentality is enormous. And that's exactly what I did, dove head first into feelings about my marriage, my little family and my past and mourned the loss of it all. It gave me insight, and a little more closure.

For whatever reason, I've had a bunch of encounters the past few weeks, bringing various aspects of my life Full Circle. Giving me closure, helping me to get a little closer to taking a bigger step into a new way of life and a new way of thinking. I've learned many lessons of late, discovered great things about my capabilities and my ability to be compassionate, loving, caring, attentive and present.

It's still a little difficult to grasp that I'm turning 39 in just a few days. It sounds like this giant number. But, if I look at it from the numerology point of view, if it's my 9th year in my cycle...I'm in for a great treat, and may this year completely surpass the year I turned 30. I have a funny feeling, it just might...but No Expectations, no expectations here...lol.

dipping my toes in the experience pool

The past few weeks have been a whirling unending episode of the Twilight Zone. Without making too much effort, I've been following the rabbit down the rabbit hole… into my own twisted experience.

To identify the beginning of this journey, I'd have to reflect back to 50+ days ago, the day before I stopped drinking. From this point on, it's been a whirlwind of psychic experiences and interpersonal moments that are filing themselves into a completely new set of memory files in my brain.

Moving upstate was a conscious effort to run away from many things. To try and create a new uncomplicated life that is as Drama Free as possible.

Despite my best efforts, my heart continues to dance to a beat of longing and confusion that just won't go away.

I make this concerted effort to isolate myself, be in my own skin and breathe my own air. I want to have the least complicated life, and live simply – eat, breathe, sleep, work, support my little family, be a mommy and function.

Despite my best efforts, I keep dipping my toe into the experience pool. What happens when I dive in head first?

Little Pinholes left for the One that Got Away

Last weekend, I had the inevitable ride that has shaken my insides out. I attended the Commitment Reception for my dear friend Chris F. and his new Life Partner V. It was a joyous occasion, as all gay marriages are. When two gay people chose marriage, it has to be for love and no other reasons. It's a love that stands against any odds or social responsibility. It is extra special.

At this particular gathering, the faces of my past all came together….my first true love, the one that got away and a plethora of faces and people who remain a part of my very indelible past. They were the people who attending the making of Elissa Jane. The people who watched me grow from little girl to the beginnings of womanhood.

Here I am, 20+ years later… and realizing we are all the same people. All of us still firmly gripped in the priorities and personalities we had back then. Sure we have grown up, married, had kids, followed grand career paths, got on planes and moved around the world…..all to find ourselves back in this reunion at the love union of an old friend.

It was a night of love and laughter, uneasiness I had to push deep down somewhere so I could be present in the experience. I hadn't seen most of these people in 15 years or longer. As much as I've done in my life, traveled the world, married, divorced, had a kid, grand career, big move to the country…. I'm the same person. We all are.

I handled the night sober, nothing to buffer the experience. There I was, engaging in the same skin, a little older, but the same skin.

Without a doubt, I was happy for all, and elated to have the chance to rekindle the friendships – if just for one more night, with the people with whom I felt closest to in my high school years.

I was surprised at the details and memories each person had of me. I couldn't believe that I had made an impression in so many ways to each of the people of my past. Just as much as they had such an impact on me.

As for my first true love…I couldn't have been happier for him and all that he had. A gorgeous, loving, committed wife, two cute kids and a life that from the outside in looked incredibly perfectly great. I don't think I got to truly express how happy for him I was. To think that he got such a great hand at the life game, he certainly deserves it.

Then there was him…it was the one face I was most afraid to see. But he was there… the one that got away… There are a few of those in my life, but my heart still seeps a little for the could have been of what might have happened if we had both just taken that leap. We got close to it a few times over the years.

They say… things happen for a reason. They say… things happen as they are meant to be.

When I got home from the party, feet sore from my high heels, heart sore from feeling so much in one night, I washed off all my make up, brushed my teeth, put on my PJs and a silk robe, and curled up on the couch….and uncontrollably, sobbed a little for what felt like hours.

While time heals all wounds, the scars remain. The once very big holes in my heart are now tiny pinholes, but they are still there. Little tiny dark holes, barely visible to the naked eye – but present enough to forcibly drive me to feel a little tiny bit of longing and nostalgia.

I love that I was there, and had the chance to be with this pod of people one more time.

We all made plans to see each other again soon, to drive/fly around the world and spend more time together. The reality is… I probably won't see any of them for a long long time.

As for the one that got away…. I'm sad that he still suffers from some of the same lack-of-love afflictions he had when I last saw him. The last time I saw him, I was married, holding hands with my husband and thinking …. What if….

But there is no turning back. We have all grown up, time racing by our sides. We had to move on. That's what was meant to be.

I'm Taking My Heart Back

Lately I've been acutely aware of how similar we all are. Faced with life on a day-to-day experience, we all innately have the same issues and problems.

No one is immune to the negatives, and all of us face the same demons on a day-to-day level. For some of us, each of these plights comes on stronger and louder. Everyone faces the same plights of loneliness, isolation, fear, insecurity and that deep-rooted pain. No one is impervious to these experiences.

I am discovering lately, that we are all very much alike in our struggles. No matter what your background, upbringing, and home life as a child or other circumstances that brought you to this place. In reality, we all have the same dark as we have light.

I've come to realize, no matter where we all started from we are all very similar. I've become more tolerant of others shortcomings, and I've become more accepting of my mistakes.

Today, I begin the journey to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've begun the journey to stop isolating myself, and begin forging new connections. Some of these are with new friends. And, I'm fixing the mistakes I've made with friends and family, whether or not I was right, I've decided to accept my part.

I have found myself recently in great inner pain, and justified in my attempt to remove myself from my feelings. I've put my foot down. I'm taking my heart back.

This inner darkness is now acknowledged. It is a dark force that lies in all of us. I see this inside of me and know that everyone has this plight.

I'm not afraid of my dark side anymore. I face each issue with a clear mind. I'm taking action on my mistakes, taking inventory of my issues and tackling them.

I am no different than anyone else. Well, I'm a fabulous fuckin' female, a tour de force….let's face it there is no one on this earth like me….. but I'm also realizing that I am shy, withdrawn, alone, and have many demons in my closet just like everyone else does.